Gazelle Celebrates Most Successful Year To Date

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had.

The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person.

"It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other online entrepreneurs, I changed course."

"I'd personally like to thank all of the public officials who have done stupid shit over the past year and sparked story ideas," D. Editor said. "Please keep it up."

"Oh, we will," the public officials responded, in unison. "We will."

(Click here to read the first-ever lame-ass article published in The Central PA Gazelle.)

State Auditor General Appalled At Results Of Self-Audit

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts.

"I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

The auditor general said he had not realized until this audit that he was spending $165 per month for a gym membership. "I mean sure, I have this kick-ass body to show for it, but that's still too much money."

In a written report, Wagner urged himself to implement several corrective actions. They include developing and implementing standard operating procedures for reviewing purchases and enhancing vigilance over the use of his checkbook.

Wagner vowed to take his own recommendations, and to perform a follow-up audit of himself in six months.

Records Show Paterno Paid In Student Blood

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement.

According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints of blood -- or roughly three servings a day.

System records on the salaries of Paterno and other Penn State administrators were released after The Patriot-News sued, persevering with the tenacity of a lap dog who stubbornly refuses to stop humping your leg.

"We knew they were trying to keep this information secret for a reason," said Patriot Executive Editor David Newhouse. "But even so, this shit is pretty whacked."

It is not clear whether his life as a vampire will affect Paterno's recent induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.

Ex-lawmaker Arraigned For Shoddy Grooming

(HARRISBURG) - A former 10-term Democratic state lawmaker was arraigned this week on charges that he failed to shave before having his official photograph taken for the state House of Representatives website.

"Frank LaGrotta desecrated the American flag by posing in front of it with a blatant 5 o'clock shadow," said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett, flanked by a four-foot-by-five-foot poster-size version of the stubble-ridden photograph.

The former lawmaker, who was defeated in the May 2006 primary, was charged with a felony count of shoddy grooming.

Reached by phone following the announcement, LaGrotta told The Gazelle that he has since taken to shaving twice a day. "It's a hormonal thing," the Democrat said. "My facial hair has grown super-fast ever since puberty."

Reed Auctions Off Idea Of Building Wild West Museum

(DALLAS, TX) - Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today auctioned off his concept of building a museum full of western artifacts to a man from Cheyenne, Wyoming, who purchased the idea for $1.75 million.

"I'm a huge history buff and I love the Wild West," said John Steil, who cast the winning bid. "It just never occurred to me to build a museum about the West. In fact, I don't think it occurred to anyone!"

"While it would have obviously been a better fit for Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, I'm eager to give it a go in our neck of the woods," Steil said.

Charity Run Raises Money For Charity Runs

(LANCASTER) - Dozens of people took to the streets here today to run for a good cause: other people who run for a good cause.

The First Annual Lancaster Charity Run Walk/Run is designed to raise money for individuals who take part in walking or running events for various charities.

"I'm out here in memory of my dad," said Brent Houlihan of Gap. "He was taking part in an American Cancer Society Run for the Cure event in 2005, when he took a wrong turn and was hit by a train." Houlihan also recently participated in a walking event in York to raise money for families of people who are killed by trains in the course of walking or running for charity.

Others said they wanted to send a message of support to individuals who use walking and running events to send messages of support.

Such was the case for Shelly Harburger of Lititz. "My mom wants to take part in a walk for Multiple Sclerosis, but participants have to raise $300," she said. "I'm running today to raise that money so she can afford to sign up for the walk."

Declaration Of Add A Caption Winner Sparks Riots In Islamabad

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle "Add A Caption" Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack.

And the winner is..."Man, Woman, Dog Donate Organs to Keep Knoll Running." It was submitted by J.K. Nice going, J.K.! You have won the right to tell all of your friends that your caption was deemed most clever by Central Pennsylvania's premiere fake online newspaper. If that doesn't get you laid, I don't know what will.

Here is a sampling of some other submissions:

"Who farted?"

--submitted separately by 2 readers: Tracy H. in Carlisle and Anonymous

"'That's *how* old in dog years? Quit yanking my chain,' said fluffy."

--The Ghost of News Directors Past [D.Ed. note: Could it be Rick Wagner coming back from the dead?]

"Lt. Gov. Knoll appears at a rally for taxpayer-funded eye care for canines."

--Bovation of Linglestown

“See the Lt. Gov’s hair, that’s the look we will go for next time; Smile for the camera puppy….”

--G.P.

"Which twin has the Tony?"

--R.K. [D.Ed. note: I don't get this one, but I'm including it in case someone else does and it happens to be really damn funny.]

If you think any of those suck, you should see some of the ones left on the cutting room floor. Just kidding, as they were all at least mediocre. Another photo is on the way soon -- accompanied by your chance to submit captions and win absolutely nothing!

Jesus To Ride Along In All PennDOT Plows This Winter

(HARRISBURG) - In preparation for the winter months, the entire fleet of vehicles used to plow snow from Pennsylvania roads has been outfitted with plastic dashboard Jesuses, PennDOT officials announced today.

Transportation Secretary Allen Biehler said his department purchased a total of 2,787 figurines of Christ to outfit its fleet of 2,250 dump trucks, 520 front-end loaders and 16 snow blowers. That includes one for Biehler's personal vehicle.

"From this point forward, I don't care if it rains or freezes, now that we've got a Plastic Jesus riding shotgun on every plow," Biehler told reporters.

"If this doesn't prevent another I-78 shitstorm, then nothing will," Biehler said.

When asked about whether the dashboard Jesus purchase amounts to state-sanctioned religious expression, Biehler said he was "pretty sure" that applies to "all religions other than Christianity."

Colonoscopy Reveals Small Village In Santorum's Rectum

(Washington, D.C.) - A doctor who recently performed a colonoscopy on former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Wherever He's Pretending To Live Now, says the politician has a small village of indigenous people living in his ass.

The individuals appear to be a group of die-hard supporters who are "staunchly in denial" that Santorum lost his Senate seat, the former lawmaker's physician, Dr. Clint Jackhammer, said.

"Otherwise, once I figured out which end was which, the procedure went quite seamlessly," Jackhammer said. "He [Santorum] had that trademark grimace on his face the whole time, but he didn't complain too much. In fact, at one point, he asked me to do one particular maneuver over and over again. That was a little awkward."

"There is also some damage left up there from the reaming he took from Bob Casey last November," Jackhammer said. "But it ought to heal -- unless he attempts to run for office again."

Dick Willey To Pull Out Early

(There's no article, we just couldn't resist that headline.)

Bush Stages Surprise Tent Revival Before Lancaster Chamber Crowd

(LANCASTER) - With arms flailing and a Bible in-hand, President Bush today turned a planned appearance before some 400 business representatives in Lancaster County into a full-blown tent revival.

“I believe in the Lord! I buh-LIEVE,” the president proclaimed, running around the stage frantically with sweat dripping from his brow. “He will deliver us into salvation!”

A host of spiritual selections played by the Hempfield Area High School band served as a musical backdrop.

The message came as a bit of a surprise to members of the Lancaster Chamber of Commerce and Industry and the others in attendance, who were expecting to hear a status report on issues related to the federal budget and the economy.

"I would have liked to hear about the children's health insurance bill he vetoed, but this was pretty cool, too," said Judy Shaver, an audience member.

"JEE-sus Christ will come and saaave your shitty little town," Mr. Bush blurted, "if you simply ask him to do so."

At one point, Mr. Bush invited attendees to come forward, at which time he delivered a firm tap to the head to Chamber President Tom Baldrige, who fell backwards into the arms of two Secret Service agents.

Ahmadinejad To Succeed Willey As PHEAA Chief

(HARRISBURG) - The board of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today tapped Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to succeed Dick Willey as president and CEO.

PHEAA Board Chairman Rep. William Adolph, R-Delaware, conceded the pool of applicants has been "thin so far." But, he added, "anything's bound to be an improvement."

Gov. Ed Rendell applauded the selection of Ahmadinejad, saying he was just glad to see that "petty and cruel dictator [Dick] Willey exit the scene."

Letters To D. Editor

Dude, I grew up in Selinsgrove and went to college at F&M in Lancaster. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! You had me laughing so hard today I could barely breathe. Especially like the Katherine Baker Knoll and Rendell digs, he was my commencement speaker and I'll never forgive him for that.
Thanks again, N.L.
You're a good man, N.L., for staying for the speech. Many college students who have been subjected to Rendell commencement speeches have dropped out minutes into them, opting to forego their diplomas rather than sit through the whole thing.

• no idea who you are, but keep up the good work
• my friends and I refer to you as the "Harrisburg Onion"....
• which is intended as a supreme compliment
excellent satirical/comedy writing...which we really enjoy

C.H.
Placement of the bullet points in the email above may seem random and innocent enough at first glance, but I'm convinced they constitute one thing: Secret code from the terrorists. Run, everyone, run. Grab the Cheez Whiz and satellite phone and head to your special hiding places.

Brilliant. Seriously. I'm completely disappointed that I wasn't aware of this site until today. By far the funniest joint in the series of tubes carrying York Springs and Paxtang datelines.
B.D.
I'm disappointed that you weren't aware of this site, either. I don't follow your last sentence, but given the fact it includes the words "joint" and "tubes," I'll just assume you're high.

How can I go about getting a guide to state park sex spots?
J.B.
Meet me at sundown tonight at the men's restrooms near Fuller Lake in Pine Grove Furnace State Park. I'll be the fat guy in the second stall from the right with no pants on and a Scott Paterno mask. Yodel the Penn State fight song while shirtless, and I'll slide a copy of the guide out to you. Just tap my foot with yours if you have any questions.

New Guide Outlines Hot State Park Sex Spots

(HARRISBURG) - Citing growing interest in the subject since the airport bathroom arrest of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, the Pennsylvania Department of Conservation and Natural Resources today unveiled the "State Park Guide For Anonymous Sex Encounters."

The pocket-sized book features glossy pages to prevent sticking and contains suggested rendezvous locations as well as tips on gestures and signals to use to initiate a sexual act.

"There are many state park spots where we want to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere," said DCNR Secretary Michael DiBerardinis. "This guide is about all those other places where our park rangers look the other way."

"Whether it's for hiking, camping, swimming or anonymous sex, we want Pennsylvanians to know that our state parks are open for business," DiBerardinis said.

Zahorchak Achieves 'Adequate Yearly Progress' In The Sack

(HARRISBURG) - The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to start jumping up and down, singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy,'" said Betty Zahorchak. "But Gerald has shown a proper level of attentiveness to performance targets related to my sexual gratification."

Betty Zahorchak's review of her husband's sexual prowess was released to the media in the form of a 237-page document that includes extensive charts and graphs.

"I'm happy to announce today that Gerald is indeed making Adequate Yearly Progress as part of my effort to convert him into a true love stud by 2014," Betty Zahorchak said. "As of this year, he leaves me satisfied, on average, seven out of ten times."

"There are areas where my little Gerry can improve," she said. "But he knows where they are."

The education secretary was put on probation by his wife in 2004 -- a move that could have led to sanctions including limited television viewing time -- but he was able to pull his scores up the following year.

PHEAA Chief: Loans Cut From Budget

(HARRISBURG) - The head of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today conceded that PHEAA actually stopped awarding college loans three years ago.

"With regular retreats, bonuses and all to worry about, loaning money to students in need just became too much of a distraction," said President and Chief Executive Officer Dick Willey. "However, we haven't ruled out the possibility of starting to award loans again in the future."

Rep. Bill Adolph (R-Delaware), who chairs the agency's board, says retaining top executives is PHEAA's key focus right now. "We need to concentrate on paying their six-figure salaries for the time being," he said. "Otherwise, we might lose them to somewhere like Sallie Mae, and then where would we be? We need to stay true to our mission of allowing these upstanding white men to keep their jobs."

Adolph noted that PHEAA board retreats have become less lavish in recent months since coming under public scrutiny. "There's been some belt-tightening. For example, we go with the Asian whores over the Swedish whores because they work cheaper," he said.

Muggers Make Off With TV Meteorologist's Lips

(LANCASTER) - Perpetrators approached WGAL-TV Meteorologist Matt Ritter in a city alley over the weekend and robbed him of his lips, police said.

"It's one of the more unusual crimes we've seen lately," said Sgt. Bill Gleason. "It ranks right up there with the guy in a [commissioner] Dick Shellenberger mask who holds up pharmacies, stealing their entire supply of KY Jelly. At least we think it's a mask, anyway."

"Matt didn't really have very supple lips to begin with," said WGAL News Director Dan O'Donnell. "We hired him with the realization that most people would see past that, much like Dr. John Scala's hair."

Anyone who witnessed Saturday night's robbery or may know anything regarding the whereabouts of Ritter's lips is asked to call police.

'The Spot' To Remain Open, Add Marijuana To Menu

(HARRISBURG) - In a reversal of last week's stunning announcement that they would close up shop, the owners of The Spot said today they will keep the establishment open as The Pot Spot.

"The new name reflects the addition of marijuana to the menu," explained owner Billy Kaldes. "Now, folks can line up for some pot, then come back 30 to 60 minutes later when the munchies set in and get their fill of hot dogs, hamburgers and other good, greasy stoner food."

Kaldes said the rest of the menu will remain the same as in the past, except for the addition of Doritos.

"This is by far one of the most convoluted supply-demand models I've ever heard of," said Jack Gurkin, a professor of marketing at Penn State Harrisburg. "They're selling a product that, in turn, creates the need for more of their products. It's downright ingenious."

Will the pot be grilled, like everything else at The Pot Spot? "If people want it that way, sure, what the hell," Kaldes quipped.

(Many thanks to Jersey Mike for the photo!)

Murdoch Buys Central PA Gazelle

(UNDATED) - Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch has succeeded in his bid to take over the Central PA Gazelle.

Murdoch paid $15 for the publication, according to sources in the newsroom who asked not to be named due to shame and embarrassment resulting from their new-found relationship with Murdoch.

"On his first day, he came into the newsroom and made us put on lipstick and called us girly whores," one male staffer said. "That just shows how powerful he is."

Murdoch was asked why he targeted this particular publication. "It's clear that the Gazelle holds the same level of regard for truthful, accurate reporting as some of my other properties, such as Fox News," he replied.

"Our readers probably noticed a bit of a production slowdown in the last week or so," said D. Editor, managing editor of the Gazelle. "That was due largely to talks with Murdoch. Well, that and the fact we've all been looking for other jobs."

Man Attends PrideFest 'Just For The Food'

(HARRISBURG) - Jim Strayer of Lemoyne attended the Pride Festival of Central Pennsylvania this weekend, but only because he really likes the food, he said.

"It's all about the kabobs and the funnel cakes," Strayer said. "I really like the fresh-squeezed lemonade, too. But I'm not into dudes or anything, so I'm not really here for the gay stuff."

Strayer was among thousands who decended on Harrisburg's Riverfront Park for yesterday's festivities.

"My wife knows I'm here," Strayer said. "And before you ask, I'm simply wearing these pink shorts and stiletto heels on a dare."

Gray Checks Into Rehab For Goofy Bowtie Addiction

(LANCASTER) - Mayor Rick Gray checked himself into a rehabilitation center for what one aide called his "uncontrollable propensity to wear tacky bowties every blessed day."

"My wife and some other folks had an intervention with me the other day," Gray said as he exited City Hall this morning. "They showed me that I really need to get this bowtie thing under control. I mean, I don't even own any normal neckties at the present time."

Gray's decision comes just days after Lancaster City Councilman Nelson Polite publicly questioned the mayor's ability to both wear bowties and crack down on gun crimes. "It strikes me as an either-or proposition," Polite said.

Harrisburg Imposes Robbery Tax

(HARRISBURG) - Calling it the latest in a series of innovative revenue initiatives, Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today approved a new ordinance taxing all proceeds on robberies and muggings.

"From this point forward, all perpetrators are on the honor system to submit 4 percent of all funds they garner through illicit means to the city of Harrisburg," announced Reed. He noted half of the levy will be deposited into the city's general fund while the remainder will go toward the Harrisburg Authority which will use the money to fund repairs on what he described as the city's "totally fucked" incinerator.

"This is a prime time for those of you who've considered robbing a business or mugging some individuals to act on those aspirations," Reed said. "But please, stop short of violent crime. Remember, drawing blood brings no money into the city's coffers."

The mayor estimated that a 50 percent compliance rate among thieves would bring in "a six-figure sum" in the first year of the tax.

Reed also released copies of Harrisburg Police Department records showing crime patterns that he said revealed which portions of the city are most profitable for various types of heists.

Man Taken Aback By Hot Coworker's Flatulence

(LEBANON) - Wal-Mart clerk Rodney Esbenshade said he had lost what at one time were feelings of "animal lust" for coworker Ashley Collins after hearing her fart today.

"She was stocking shelves when she bent down to grab a few more cans of Alpo Prime Slices in Gravy [dog food] and that's when she let one fly," said Esbenshade. "She must have thought no one was within earshot, but I just happened to be walking by the aisle at the time."

"She's a real knockout -- except for the flatulence thing," Esbenshade added.

When reached at home by the Gazelle, Collins had no comment other than to say she would never date Esbenshade anyways.

"Her gas issues really mess up the whole fantasy thing," Esbenshade added. "I have a feeling I'll be into her again someday, maybe even tomorrow. Just not today."

Law Moves Up Pennsylvania's Presidential Primary To Tomorrow

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to increase Pennsylvania's relevance in the presidential race, the General Assembly today passed a measure that moves the commonwealth's primary up from next April to tomorrow.

Gov. Ed Rendell added his signature to the legislation moments after it was approved by lawmakers. "While we realize it's short notice, we shouldn't have trouble finding old people to work the polls," he said. "It's not like they have anything else to do, other than play the slots."

The new law means Pennsylvania's presidential primary will happen behind those of just 21 other states, all of which decided to hold their contests earlier this week after catching word of the commonwealth's plans.

Letters To D. Editor

[In response to "Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll" of 6/18/07]
That's got to be a sight! I imagine the security forces at the Gap can't wait for the swim season to begin. Knoll in her thong bikini at the pool -- covered with caterpillars.
B.S.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

WonderCum was developed by a group of committed professionals focused entirely on the enhancement and improvement of sexual function and enjoyment for men. A large, volumous explosion and Intense orgasm is an experience like no other and it is very satisfying for both partners (especially for the man).
E.L.
Thank you, E., for the tip which I assure you I will take under advisement the next time my woman expresses a desire for me to blow a hole out the other side of her.

What I like about your blog is that it's so educational. In taking the poll [on what should be included in the state budget], I had to look up the definition of "fluffer." You should be qualifying for federal grants and stuff. Your blog continues to rock.
J.K.
Thanks for the kind words. Do they offer grants to pay for fluffers? If so, count me in.

State Hookers Among Employees Facing Furlough

(HARRISBURG) - Hookers on the commonwealth's payroll said they plan to work overtime and turn as many tricks as possible this weekend in anticipation of a partial government shutdown.

The Rendell administration has declared the prostitutes to be non-essential state personnel, meaning some 200 ladies of the night could be laid off come Monday morning if a budget agreement is not reached.

"But in the meantime, we're going to be some busy beavers," said Black Velvet, director of the Bureau of Pimps and Hookers within the Department of Genital Services. "As the clock continues ticking, our girls will be doing some serious dicking."

"Ironically, they'll be getting rid of us when we're needed most," Velvet said. "Lawmakers are our best customers. Especially that Philadelphia delegation. Man, are they ever a horny bunch."

However, some reform-minded activists said the prostitutes might be at least partially to blame for the budget impasse.

"Maybe the lawmakers will actually get some work done if the hookers take some time off," surmised Russ Diamond, a well-known Harrisburg-area curmudgeon.

Hample Stepping Down To Spend More Time With Her Money

(HARRISBURG) - State System of Higher Education Chancellor Judy Hample said her recent decision to resign her post is rooted in a desire to spend more time spending money.

"Here I've been making approximately $3,466,101,012 a year, yet I haven't been taking the time to spend it," Hample said. "Well, that's about to change."

"I also wanted to give my underlings plenty of time to plan my going-away party," the outgoing chancellor said. "It will most likely take the form of a lavish gala at which I will make [system board president] Ken Jarin wear a bondage harness and allow me to ride him around the room."

In her spare time, Hample plans to maintain her contract work as Smiley, the Hatfield Quality Meats mascot.

Hershey Med Holds Nip/Tuck Camp

(HERSHEY) - It's not pumpkins that students ages 9 through 12 are carving at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center this week. The center's plastic surgery department is hosting the teens as part of its annual Nip/Tuck Camp.

Modeled after the popular medical drama series on television, the camp is designed to give students "a look at what really happens on a daily basis in the plastic surgery field," said Dr. Donald Mackay, a surgeon.

For instance, a course entitled Necrophilia 101 will focus on how to remove body parts from women and reassemble them so as to create "the ideal woman." Another class provides tips on how plastic surgeons arrange their schedules so as to allow enough time to have sex with as many patients as possible.

"Ninety percent of what we deal with is boobs," Mackay said. "Boobs, boobs, boobs. So you can bet there will be plenty of that this week for the kids."

The week will culminate with an appearance by actor Bruno Campos who will host a seminar entitled "Why Every Practice Needs a Carver."

Senate Moves To Ban Smoking After Sex

(HARRISBURG) - The state Senate today passed a bill that would make smoking after sex illegal.

Sen. Jeff Piccola (R-Dauphin) introduced an amendment exempting from prosecution anyone who lights up after having sex with himself or herself. It passed 50-0.

Another modification came from Sen. Jake Corman (R-Bumblefuck), who put forth a successful amendment exempting those who smoke following intercourse with farm animals.

Gov. Ed Rendell promised to veto the measure and called a press conference to chastise lawmakers. "I'll be damned if Midge and I are going to break our tradition of lighting up after every time we have booty," he said.

Eat'n Park Carries On Schoolgirl Night Tradition

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - Less than two weeks after the Hooters restaurant on the Carlisle Pike ditched 'Schoolgirl Thursday' amid public outrage, the Eat'n Park restaurant on Limekiln Road outside New Cumberland has picked up the baton.

Starting this Thursday, June 28, the eatery will give a free Smiley Cookie to any woman who shows up dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl on Thursday nights.

Restaurant Manager Ben Hobblesmith said the promotion is "considerably less racy" than the 'Show Us Your Tits Tuesdays' the chain held last year, which involved female customers baring their breasts in exchange for a free slice of pie.

Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll

(HARRISBURG) - Wildlife officials fear the midstate is in the throws of one of its worst-ever invasions of gypsy moth caterpillars, as evidenced by the way the insects have attacked Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

"She's looking more overwhelmed than in previous seasons, but she should pull through," said Eric Naguski, who coordinates Dauphin County's gypsy moth suppression program.

Experts recommend wrapping petroleum jelly-covered duct tape at the bottom of a tree trunk to prevent the insects from invading. A spokeswoman for the lieutenant governor said officials will likely take such action with Knoll should her condition not improve in the next day or so.

As for next year, the spokeswoman said Knoll will be sprayed down with a semi-diluted insecticide prior to the caterpillars' prime breeding season -- likely sometime in March or April.

Reed Unveils Initiative Initiative

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today unveiled a major initiative that calls for at least 25 major initiatives to be unveiled before the end of the year.

"We have no idea what they're going to be yet," Reed said in a press conference in front of the National Civil War Museum, where crickets could be heard chirping in the background. "But for starters, we're probably talking some groundbreakings on housing and commercial complexes mixed in with a buttload of ribbon-cuttings, along with another university or two."

The mayor said most of the initiatives will "likely target either downtown, midtown or uptown Harrisburg. I plan to keep with my tradition of staying the hell out of Allison Hill."

Two of Reed's most outspoken critics, city Councilwoman Linda Thompson and professional hobo Jason Smith, immediately called a press conference to dismiss all of Reed's yet-to-be-announced initiatives as "unrealistic and generally stupid."

Confronted by reporters later in the afternoon at the scene of a fire, Reed promised to file a lawsuit to keep all of his critics occupied while he's busy pushing through his initiatives.

Bill Would Put Slot Machines In Funeral Homes

(HARRISBURG) - In his latest attempt to expand gaming in Pennsylvania, House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese (D-Greene) announced he's drafting a bill that would allow slot machines to be installed in funeral homes.

"Slots parlors and funeral parlors are a natural pairing," DeWeese said. "What we have here is the opportunity to build tax relief from people's grief."

The Democrat was quick to add that his measure will contain important stipulations. "For example, one provision will make it clear that all gambling must take place at least 50 feet from the nearest corpse."

DeWeese said the bill will also provide for free alcoholic beverages at funeral homes with slot machines. "Only they won't be served by chicks in little frilly skirts," he added.

Governor Ed Rendell said he will fully support the proposal. "People at a funeral or memorial service are at a gray point in their lives. But you put them in front of a slot machine and they're happy. They have fun. They see the bright lights. They hear music. They forget about the dead guy in the box and are instead filled with brightness and cheer."

Asshole Sets Off Fireworks For Memorial Day

(DUNCANNON) - While most central Pennsylvanians spent Memorial Day pausing to reflect on those who died serving the United States, Bill "Sparky" Aumiller observed the occasion with a fireworks show launched off the deck of his home in this Perry County community.

This evening's 25-minute display featured mostly skyrockets, Roman candles and bottlerockets accented by frequent M-80 explosions.

"When you set aside the tackiness and tastlessness of his timing, it sure was some beautiful shit," said Aumiller's neighbor, Rustin Simmons. "Even the Vietnam vet in me, though a bit shaken at first, came to enjoy the show."

Aumiller's mother, Melba, said she was not surprised when her son's picnic took a sudden turn toward pyrotechnics. "You've gotta remember -- this is the same guy who set off a similar display at his uncle's funeral last year."

Commander Dennis Rickfultz of Duncannon American Legion Post 340 said he was unimpressed. "Every community has one asshole who thinks Memorial Day is the same as July 4th. In this town, that man is Sparky Aumiller."

PennDOT Crew Lays 12 Miles Of Cones For No Reason

(YORK SPRINGS) - A crew of 22 PennDOT workers that spent three hours laying traffic cones along a portion of Route 15 southbound on Friday have admitted they did so for no good reason.

"We're not performing road work there nor do we plan to," conceded crew spokesman Paul Gleason.

The cones, which effectively closed off the passing lane on a 12-mile portion of the highway in York and Adams counties, caused traffic delays during the busy Friday afternoon rush hour and on several occasions during the holiday weekend.

"We're sorry about that," Gleason said.

Gleason said he was not sure when the cones would be lifted and the lane reopened. "We're hoping to make some progress by noon on Thursday," he added.

Letters To D. Editor

Is the story about Rick Wagner raising alpacas and modeling underwear true? Or is this just a joke?
P.D.
Oh...my...God.

Why isn't there anything on how Wrightsville has to wait 12 minutes for an advanced life support unit when there is [sic] a few less than 10 minutes away?
L.B.
Because I haven't the foggiest notion regarding a) what you're talking about, or b) how the hell to make it funny. But if you throw in a midget, a can of shaving cream and some Neil Diamond records, we just might have something.

Where can I get Hershey's non-cramping chewable, chocolate laxatives?
A.M.
The company tells us the laxatives are the new "freebie" handout at the end of the Hershey's Chocolate World ride. They replace the Hershey's Pink Slip Suppositories, which didn't go over as well as the company had hoped.

Who are you?
W.P.
I am Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll and I'm not wearing any panties. (P.D. -- That's not really true.)

Voters Condemn Paxtang Woman To Death For Leaving Up Holiday Decorations

(PAXTANG) - Voters here approved a referendum in Tuesday's primary election that calls for Ida Mae Gallagher, 84, to die by lethal injection for failing to take down her Christmas decorations.

"She's left them up year-round for the past five years, and we just got sick of it," said neighbor Harold Webster. He gathered the 500 signatures required for the question to appear on Tuesday's ballot. It was approved 623-277.

District Attorney Ed Marsico said the referendum is legally binding. But he noted that neighbors "rarely use it to impose the death penalty on one another." He added, "It's a true example of democracy in action -- I guess."

"In my defense, they don't really look that bad," Gallagher said of her decorations, which include blue icicle lights that hang from her gutters and a replica of Santa's sleigh being pulled by 24 reindeer.

Gallagher said she may appeal the results of the referendum in Dauphin County Court. "I'm going to try to scrape the money together to pay an attorney. But if I can't, I guess I'm screwed."

Harrisburg Finishes Removing Snow From Valentine's Day Storm

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today announced that city plow crews have finished clearing snow left behind by the storm that brought the midstate to a standstill in mid-February.

"My administration has made good on its promise to have that wintry mix removed from our fine hamlet's esteemed passageways within 90 days," Reed said. "It was an especially dastardly task, but our road-clearing engineers rose to the occasion."

Rosemary Watson, who lives on Third Street in Midtown, was able to free her car from a mound of snow and ice on Monday. "I worked at it, little by little, for the past three months," she said.

Meantime, Governor Ed Rendell's office announced that state workers, who have been off work for the past 13 weeks due to the snow, should report at their normal times tomorrow.

Poll: Candidate Apathy Rate High For Upcoming Primary

(UNDATED) - A new poll indicates nearly half of the candidates that will appear on the ballot in Tuesday's municipal primary election do not care whether they win.

The Keystone Poll, conducted by researchers at Franklin & Marshall College, suggests 46 percent of those running "don't have strong feelings either way" regarding the outcome of the contests of which they are a part. A small number -- 6 percent -- are secretly hoping they will lose.

"These apathy numbers are high, even for an off-year election," said F&M political analyst G. Terry Madonna. "But then again, I gotta tell you, I don't think I'll be voting."

While some county commissioner races, such as those in Lancaster and York counties, have drawn a good deal of attention, most appear likely to generate less voter interest.

"I'm only running because my wife made me," said Monte Kemmler, a Republican commissioner candidate in Mifflin County. Meantime, in Adams County, Democratic commissioner hopeful Neil Clifford is actually not very hopeful about his chances. "When it comes down to it, I'm probably going to vote for a couple of my opponents."

Even Secretary of the Commonwealth Pedro Cortes seems less than enthused by this year's primary. His department has replaced it's "Ready, Set, Vote" campaign with one entitled "Ready, Set, Aw Fuck It."

"If you only want to vote in one election this year, wait until November," said Cortes.

Camp Hill Lifts Travel Ban To Harrisburg

(CAMP HILL) - Camp Hill Mayor Lou Thieblemont today signed a resolution lifting the 1982 ban that had prevented borough residents from traveling to Harrisburg.

Concurrently, Thieblemont trimmed back the hours during which the guard towers at all entrance points to Camp Hill will be staffed.

"I feel we're ready for these bold steps," said Thieblemont at a press conference at Cornerstone Coffeehouse. "However, please note that a midnight curfew will go into effect, meaning all borough residents must clear out of Harrisburg by that time. Remember, we're talking baby steps here, people. Baby steps."

The White Shore Chamber of Commerce voiced support for the resolution. "It's almost like we're going to be able to start doing business with another country," said President and CEO Ed Messner.

Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed said he was "eager to welcome that snooty bunch of wine-sipping elitists" back into his city.

Letters To D. Editor

I've been told that Nazareth resident and retired race car driver Mario Andretti has been approached by the State Police to become [Governor] Rendell's new driver. Have you heard that?
T.B.
The Gazelle has indeed confirmed that Andretti auditioned for the role of Rendell's driver. However, he flunked on two accounts: he didn't drive fast enough for the governor's tastes and Rendell's beer twice slipped off the dashboard -- a major no-no.

[In response to "PennDOT Chief 'Flummoxed' At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test" of 4/11/07]
Gee, I wonder how many people are now looking up the word "flummoxed"?? Thanks for the "word of the day."
S.E.
Interestingly, I had more folks email wondering if a "Birkhead" was a form of acne.

I love your blog. Its funny as hell. I don't know if you accept submissions from hacks...
D.B.
Thanks for the kind words. The most helpful submissions from readers so far have come in the form of unusual photographs with a midstate flavor. Not all have been printable (for instance, the one featuring Hershey CEO Rick Lenny, a sheep and a bondage harness), but some have sparked story ideas. And in such cases, I do give photo credit when it's due (if people let me).

Thank you! Good writing - funny and current! First time I visited your site reminded me of MAD magazine! Keep up the great work!
Bill S.
I'll pass your kudos along to Alfred E. Neuman, an Editor-At-Large of the Gazelle.

Fudd, Sam Join In Second Amendment Rally At Capitol

(HARRISBURG) - Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam have added their voices to the chorus speaking out against bills that would toughen Pennsylvania's gun laws.

The famed cartoon characters took part in a demonstration today at the state Capitol and voiced opposition to legislation that would limit gun purchases to one per month.

"That would be vewy, vewy bad," said Fudd. "How else would all you wednecks be able to kill wascally wabbits?"

"Give 'em hell," Sam shouted from the podium in a voice that some passers-by initially mistook for that of Representative Camille "Bud" George (D-Clearfield). "Don't let these lily-livered varmints take away your rights to buy as many guns as you want!"

Fudd and Sam, who have been life partners since a 2005 ceremony in Massachusetts, travel the country together, appearing at events to advocate for gun owners' rights.

Rendell: I've Broken 140 Separate Laws In My Time As Governor

(HARRISBURG) - In response to a Freedom of Information Act request from the Gazelle, Governor Ed Rendell today released a list of local, state and federal laws he has broken during his time in office. The 317-page document seemed to indicate that the governor's recent admissions about speeding were just the tip of the iceberg.

Included in the list are several traffic violations Rendell has committed through orders to his state trooper escort, including failure to yield to pedestrians, tailgating and a litany of aggressive driving-related offenses.

In addition, Rendell said he once urinated from the top of the reserved section bleachers at a Harrisburg Senators game. "I should note that I was high as a kite at the time, so I guess that's another one," he wrote.

The governor said he has only committed one capital offense to date. "I murdered a hobo with my bare hands. But I assure you that he had it coming."

Among the lesser offenses Rendell has committed: wiping boogers under the rear passenger seat in several state-issued vehicles, stealing numerous beer mugs from Zembie's and ripping the tags off of various articles of furniture in the Governor's Mansion.

Perzel Promoted To Master Milker

(MOUNT JOY) - Three months after starting a job as a cow-milker on a farm in rural Lancaster County, state Representative John Perzel (R-Philadelphia) has landed a key promotion.

Placid Meadows Farm outside Mount Joy has named Perzel a "master milker," a move that will result in a raise from his starting farm union pay of $55,000.

"The amount of milk he's able to glean from each cow is simply amazing," said farmer Eli Stoltzfus, Perzel's boss. "And his teat technique is exemplary. When it comes to that motion, he's a real natural, for some reason."

The former House speaker decided to moonlight as a cow-milker in order to supplement what he calls the "meager" salary he receives as a lawmaker. Compensation for his farm job is expected to reach a salary of just over $61,500 this year, along with per diems worth another $5,750.

As Perzel pointed out during the legislative pay raise debate of 2005, cow-milkers are paid generously in Lancaster County, coming in behind only taxi drivers and sewage sludge technicians. Doctors and lawyers round out the top five.

Neighbors Recall Parking Ticket Scofflaw As Quiet Loner

(ETTERS) - Neighbors of Randy Geller, who was arrested over the weekend on warrants for 723 outstanding parking tickets across five municipalities, said the Etters man has always been shy and reserved.

"He wasn't a troublemaker if that's what you're asking," said Howard Ralston, who lives next door to Geller. "He just isn't the kind of guy you'd expect to do this sort of thing."

"Randy didn't go around bitching about parking meters or anything," said Judith Riviera, who owns the house across the street. She added Geller mostly kept to himself and "was very much a loner."

"It just goes to show that if someone like this was living here, his type could be living anywhere," said Ralston.

PHEAA Unveils New Name And Logo

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to rebuild its image, the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency, or PHEAA, has adopted the new name of Pennsylvania Helping University-bound and College-bound Kids, or PHUCK.

"We feel the new moniker better reflects what we do on a daily basis," said PHUCK Chief Dick Willey.

He added the switch also reflects a transition toward a more accountable and transparent spending process, vowing to "keep tight reins on all PHUCK money."

"Bottom line," Willey said, "is that we want students to know they have options. That's why we're here to remind them that if they can't afford it, they can always PHUCK it."

As the agency launched its new image, officials also used the occasion to unveil a new website or "information network," PHUCKin.org.

Neighborhood Curmudgeon Wishes Rain Was Snow

(HALIFAX) - Mabel Higgenbottom, known to her neighbors on South Union Street in Halifax as a generally cantankerous woman, said today she wishes the rain that has been pummeling the midstate since Saturday night was snow.

The 86-year-old lifelong borough resident said she was "pleased as punch" when original predictions pegged this weekend's storm as a Nor'easter that could dump as much as a foot of snow. "But when it was downgraded, it was a real pisser," she added.

"It's more fun when it snows," Higgenbottom said. "For instance, during the big Valentine's Day storm, I was watching out my window as my neighbor fell and broke his ankle," she chuckled. "It made my day -- hell, my week."

"Then there was that time someone's car got stuck outside my house and the poor bastard was left twisting in the wind for at least an hour before help came. Good times, indeed," she said.

Higgenbottom said her therapist recently put her on medication to curb a condition he diagnosed as "chronic schadenfreude."

PennDOT Chief "Flummoxed" At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test

(HARRISBURG) - After bragging to friends and coworkers for more than two months that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith's baby, PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler is expressing disappointment upon hearing that he apparently did not.

It was announced this week that the late model's now-seven-month-old daughter was fathered by photographer Larry Birkhead.

"Wow, color me flummoxed," said Biehler, who announced at a state Senate hearing in February that he had sexual relations with the model in early 2005. "We crossed paths at a hotel in Las Vegas during a trade convention. She said she dug dudes in transportation," he explained.

Biehler said the tryst didn't last long. "It was her drug habit that eventually drove us apart. Anything beyond a little weed, count me out."

Biehler said he left a message for Birkhead to ask if he could visit with the baby, but the biological father has yet to return his call.

The secretary said he does not plan to challenge the findings of the paternity test. "Submitting a sample was fun, though," he said. "I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime."

Easter Bunny Latest Casualty Of Hershey Restructuring

(CAMP HILL) - Hershey Company Chairman and CEO Rick Lenny personally fired the Easter Bunny last night, immediately following the rabbit's final shift of the season at the Capital City Mall.

"We made the tough decision to cut Mr. Bunny as we hop forward with our comprehensive strategic agenda focused on increasing our marketplace leadership and developing a global footprint for our iconic brands," Lenny said in a prepared statement.

"I feel blindsided," said the Bunny. "It's already hard enough to make ends meet when you only work one month out of the year."

Lenny's statement also said the Bunny would receive "a generous severance package," consisting of one bag of carrots for each month of service.

The Bunny seemed less than impressed with the deal. "Needless to say, there will be no eggs for that douchebag this year," the rabbit said.

A Hershey Company spokesman declined to comment on rumors that a Mexican Easter Bunny would be brought in as a replacement.

Several business analysts said they expect the Easter Bunny will find gainful employment soon with another candymaker, with much speculation focusing on Cadbury Schweppes.

Letters To D. Editor

Every now and then, I like to pause to answer a few reader inquiries. Okay, so this is the first time, but if you keep emailing, we'll turn this into a regular feature.

[In response to "Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate" 4/1/07]
Wonderful!!
Signed,
Perry County Lady
Ma'am, you have no idea how hard I struggled to keep Perry County out of that article. But in the end, it all came down to four words: Fish In A Barrel.

[Also in response to "Redneck Cluster" article of 4/1/07]
I'm glad you chose April 1st to post the most realistic entry on your blog. But, frankly, you should have left the town's name as a fill-in-the-blank that would accept any town in Central PA (except Camp Hill, of course)!
C.S.
Of course. After all, when I think "hotbed of diversity," I think Camp Hill.

Thank you for this outstanding public service you're providing. You don't have any idea how badly I, and all of us, need a good laugh, and you're providing it.
J.K.
That's very kind of you. I appreciate your remark, as well as others like it. The midstate's blog community and its readers are awesome and encouraging, and are making this venture a ton of fun.
Okay, enough of my soft underbelly. Back to being a sarcastic asshole.

This is seriously good writing. And seriously funny writing. I live in the same area, and I thought I knew all the good local writers. Who are you? Do I know you? Oh, PLEEEAAZE (please, please, please) tell me.
A.H.
Fair enough. I'm PHEAA President and CEO Dick Willey, and this is what I do in my spare time. Okay, not really. If I was Dick Willey, I'd be too busy giggling at my own name (or booking my next student-funded vacation) to write a blog.

Good God you’re funny. Damn. Will you marry me? My husband won't mind.
J.P.
I like a woman who isn't afraid to swear. And now that Anna Nicole is dead, you're next on my list.

Have I told you lately that I love you? Enable comments, and I will stop stalking you. :-)
J.P. (again)
The thought of allowing comments scares me, and you've helped to demonstrate why. But if you send me a dirty picture of yourself, I might reconsider.

Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate

(JONESTOWN) - Three state agencies have agreed to look into reports of a potential redneck cluster in Union Township, Lebanon County.

The action comes after an eight-month investigation by the Central PA Gazelle. It involved interviews with rednecks and non-rednecks alike, demographic observations at local bingo halls and an independent review of dental records, which showed the average township resident has 7.66 teeth.

PennDOT officials plan to examine vehicle registration records to see if the township's pickup truck ownership rate is disproportional. Also, the department's inspectors will go door to door, logging any red flags such as curtains in vans and vehicles placed up on blocks in front yards.

For its part, the PLCB will audit sales records from beer distributors in Union Township and compare the rate of Budweiser purchases with state and national benchmarks.

State Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff said his department will dispatch workers to the township to "try to get a handle on how many sheep there walk funny."

Union Township officials are downplaying the investigation. Supervisor Clint Carmichael said, "They're trying to make us out to be Perry County or sumthin'. My wife -- who's also my aunt -- and I resent that."

Councilwoman Thompson Voted Off Of 'Dancing With The Stars'

(LOS ANGELES) - Harrisburg City Councilwoman Linda Thompson has been eliminated from ABC's "Dancing With the Stars."

Thompson and her professional dancing partner were kicked off during this week's results show, after a foxtrot that met with mixed reviews and a mambo that was panned by judges and viewers alike.

Judge Bruno Tonioli told Thompson she danced as though she "had a broomstick lodged somewhere painful."

The councilwoman and rooky ballroom dancer snapped back, "Well, maybe I do, asshole!"

After the competition, Thompson seemed to have cooled down somewhat. "As someone who was a major [Beverly Hills] 90210 junkie, I'm just thrilled that I got to meet Ian Ziering," she said.

Landis Hands Out Urine Samples In Quest To Prove Innocence

(EPHRATA) - In what some are calling a bold attempt to proclaim his innocence, cyclist Floyd Landis distributed free urine samples to attendees at a fundraiser at the Ephrata Performing Arts Center over the weekend.

"I implore you to examine these specimens yourselves," said the defamed Tour de France winner, "and tell me if they look like the urine of someone who uses performance enhancing drugs."

"I knew he was innocent all along," said Bart Longmeadow of Lititz, as he held the sample he received up to the light. "And this confirms it. It's sparkling and translucent, and I don't see no drugs!"

The event also served as the official product launch for Gatorade's newest flavor, Floyd's Power Punch. According to the label, the beverage "contains enough testosterone to make a grown man vibrate for three solid days."

Lady Fairchilde Lands Lead Role In "Knoll: A Life Story"

(NEIGHBORHOOD OF MAKE-BELIEVE) - Lady Elaine Fairchilde, best known as the curator of the Museum-Go-Round in Mister Rogers' Neighborhood, has been cast as Catherine Baker Knoll in the upcoming movie chronicling the life of the lieutenant governor.

"Knoll: A Life Story" is expected to hit theaters in December, according to director Ron Howard, who called casting Fairchilde as the lead a "no-brainer."

"Fortunately, she was available," Howard said. "Granted, she has been out of work for some time." The director said he chose Fairchilde because of what he called "striking similarities" between the woman and the rosy-cheeked puppet. "For example, both of them are natives of western Pennsylvania, so Fairchilde's accent and dialect are already where we need them." Howard would not confirm rumors that he's pursuing King Friday for the role of Governor Ed Rendell.

Fairchilde, a distant cousin of State Rep. Russ Fairchild (R-Snyder/Union), said she was flattered to be invited to play the Knoll role, even though some of her ideologies differ from those of the individual she'll portray.

"There are things I would do differently as lieutenant governor," said Fairchilde. "For example, I would see to it that the columns on all state government buildings are painted different colors."

When reached by phone for this story, Knoll said, "Who the hell is Lady Fairchilde?"

Developer To Pave Paradise, Put Up Parking Lot

(PARADISE) - A developer today announced plans to purchase the entire Lancaster County community of Paradise, pave over it and put up a parking lot.

"Eventually, we might consider building a pink hotel, a boutique and maybe even a swinging hot spot," said John Mitchell, president and chief executive officer of Johnny Mitchell Enterprises, LLP of Blue Ball. "But for now, we're just going with a parking lot."

Many of the apple trees belonging to farmer David Haarbusch will be uprooted as a result of the plan. "I guess I can put away my DDT now," he said.

Several trees located on the property will need to be uprooted, but they apparently will not be destroyed. Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed plans to take all the trees and put them in a tree museum. "I expect that we'll charge a dollar and a half for people who may want to see them."

The parking lot plan has generated a good deal of opposition in this rural town. "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone," lamented longtime resident Joanne Stoltzfus.

Buxton Switches Nail Polish Colors At PHEAA Retreat

(FARMINGTON) - After years of using Maybelline's Peach Glimmer nail polish, State Representative Ron Buxton recently switched to Avon's Sunrise Sorbet during a recent Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency board retreat.

"It's a subtle change," said Buxton, who credits a manicurist at Nemacolin Woodlands Resort in Fayette County with helping him find his "true color."

"When she first suggested the shade change," the lawmaker and long-time PHEAA board member said, "I wasn't so sure. But after thinking about it over a spa treatment, a hot stone and mineral bath, a reach-around and a good deal of booze from our hotel room's mini-bar, I realized it was the right choice."

Buxton said the added confidence provided by his "flashy new nails" will help ensure he makes "the best decisions for all of PHEAA's student beneficiaries, as well as my constituents in the 103rd Legislative District."

(Photo credit is due to a Gazelle reader named John...thanks!)

Midstate Gangs Report For Spring Training

(LANCASTER) - With the official summer crime season just six weeks away, street gangs in cities including Harrisburg, Lancaster and York dusted off their brass knuckles and reported for Spring Training today.

"It's great seeing these guys again," said Hector 'Blood Nuts' Gutierrez, as he mingled at an ice cream social hosted by a Lancaster gang. "We've all got a lot of catching up to do."

Fellow gang member Howard 'No Pop Star' Jones said he "stayed loose" by knocking over a liquor store over the winter. "I still feel out of shape, though," Jones said.

Starting Monday, the socializing will dwindle and the gatherings will take on a much more serious tone. Members will attend weeks of workshops, such as "Bustin' Ass 101," "Tattoos 'n You," and "Balancing Gang and Family Life."

Spring Training for so called "minor league" gangs, such as those in Gettysburg and Lebanon, convenes next month.

St. Patty's Day Reveler Realizes Lifelong Dream Of Peeing Green

(HARRISBURG) - After visiting several bars along Restaurant Row with his friends this evening, Justin Binghaur of Lebanon made good on a bet that he could "urinate green before the night is over."

"I started pounding green beers around five o'clock, but as part of my strategy, I didn't break the seal until 11:15 p.m.," the 22-year-old Binghaur said. "Then, when I did, it came out as emerald green as when it went in."

Binghaur's friend, Nate Curcillo, accompanied Binghaur to the restroom at the Hardware Bar to serve as official historian of the event.

"I photographed the pee stream with my cell phone," Curcillo said, "and I stand ready to show it to any skeptics."

Both revelers said they plan to print out photographs of the feat and send them in to Guinness World Records, though it remained unclear at press time as to whether Guiness would accept them.

Harrisburg Markets Incinerator For Special Events

(HARRISBURG) - In an effort to overcome a mountain of financial debt incurred by the city's troubled incinerator, the Harrisburg Authority has begun renting out the facility for special events.

"We're thinking this place could be a hit for weddings, office parties and the like," said authority Executive Director Bob Ambrose. "Anything to stem the flow of $1 million out the door each month."

Howie Rosenstein of Enola, who rented the incinerator building for his son Roger's bar mitzvah this past weekend, said he was satisfied with the experience. "After the first hour, you don't even smell the smoldering trash. And clean-up was a snap, as we just threw all of our garbage onto one of the burners."

The board of directors at the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency has already booked the facility for several parties in the coming year.