(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today unveiled a major initiative that calls for at least 25 major initiatives to be unveiled before the end of the year.
"We have no idea what they're going to be yet," Reed said in a press conference in front of the National Civil War Museum, where crickets could be heard chirping in the background. "But for starters, we're probably talking some groundbreakings on housing and commercial complexes mixed in with a buttload of ribbon-cuttings, along with another university or two."
The mayor said most of the initiatives will "likely target either downtown, midtown or uptown Harrisburg. I plan to keep with my tradition of staying the hell out of Allison Hill."
Two of Reed's most outspoken critics, city Councilwoman Linda Thompson and professional hobo Jason Smith, immediately called a press conference to dismiss all of Reed's yet-to-be-announced initiatives as "unrealistic and generally stupid."
Confronted by reporters later in the afternoon at the scene of a fire, Reed promised to file a lawsuit to keep all of his critics occupied while he's busy pushing through his initiatives.
