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Sunday, December 9, 2007

Records Show Paterno Paid In Student Blood

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement.

According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints of blood -- or roughly three servings a day.

System records on the salaries of Paterno and other Penn State administrators were released after The Patriot-News sued, persevering with the tenacity of a lap dog who stubbornly refuses to stop humping your leg.

"We knew they were trying to keep this information secret for a reason," said Patriot Executive Editor David Newhouse. "But even so, this shit is pretty whacked."

It is not clear whether his life as a vampire will affect Paterno's recent induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.