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Monday, May 28, 2007

Asshole Sets Off Fireworks For Memorial Day

(DUNCANNON) - While most central Pennsylvanians spent Memorial Day pausing to reflect on those who died serving the United States, Bill "Sparky" Aumiller observed the occasion with a fireworks show launched off the deck of his home in this Perry County community.

This evening's 25-minute display featured mostly skyrockets, Roman candles and bottlerockets accented by frequent M-80 explosions.

"When you set aside the tackiness and tastlessness of his timing, it sure was some beautiful shit," said Aumiller's neighbor, Rustin Simmons. "Even the Vietnam vet in me, though a bit shaken at first, came to enjoy the show."

Aumiller's mother, Melba, said she was not surprised when her son's picnic took a sudden turn toward pyrotechnics. "You've gotta remember -- this is the same guy who set off a similar display at his uncle's funeral last year."

Commander Dennis Rickfultz of Duncannon American Legion Post 340 said he was unimpressed. "Every community has one asshole who thinks Memorial Day is the same as July 4th. In this town, that man is Sparky Aumiller."