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Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Zahorchak Achieves 'Adequate Yearly Progress' In The Sack

(HARRISBURG) - The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to start jumping up and down, singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy,'" said Betty Zahorchak. "But Gerald has shown a proper level of attentiveness to performance targets related to my sexual gratification."

Betty Zahorchak's review of her husband's sexual prowess was released to the media in the form of a 237-page document that includes extensive charts and graphs.

"I'm happy to announce today that Gerald is indeed making Adequate Yearly Progress as part of my effort to convert him into a true love stud by 2014," Betty Zahorchak said. "As of this year, he leaves me satisfied, on average, seven out of ten times."

"There are areas where my little Gerry can improve," she said. "But he knows where they are."

The education secretary was put on probation by his wife in 2004 -- a move that could have led to sanctions including limited television viewing time -- but he was able to pull his scores up the following year.