Knoll And Roethlisberger Acknowledge Steamy Affair

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's mainly physical," Roethlisberger explained.

"They don't call him 'Big Ben' for nothing," Knoll quipped. At least two reporters present at the press conference were seen vomiting slightly in their mouths following that statement.

"We might be 52 years apart in age, but we're both still teenagers in the bedroom," Roethlisberger said.

Letters To D. Editor

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece.
C.S.

First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "pointing out one of the downsides of the Internet." He goes on to say, "Anybody can put up tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material without having the guts to put one's name behind it." In response, Trout-meister, I would only assert that our article was a real spoof, not a fake one. Also, I commend you for having the guts to put your name behind your tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material. You're truly an inspiration to the next generation of cantankerous wordsmiths.

In a separate entry, The Trout bestows "cheers" upon Punxsutawney Phil for stopping by the newsroom. He expresses apparent disappointment at how Phil "was not allowing himself to be touched." What exactly did you have in mind, Mr. Troutman? Some quiet time with -- as you call him -- your "favorite Rodent-American?"

(Aside from Mr. Big Balls, thanks to the other folks at the Patriot who've given us a lot of nice press lately.)

Head Injury Causes Penbrook Man To Reverse Abortion Stance

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head.

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing."

Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a Harrisburg abortion clinic, causing him to fall to the ground, hit his head, and cry like -- ironically -- a baby. Doctors say the injury is likely the reason for his about-face on the abortion issue.

Upon arriving home from the hospital, Small took down the infamous pictures of aborted fetuses from his front yard and replaced them with signs with slogans including "Honk if you love abortion!" and "You've got abortion rights, so use 'em!"

"I feel girls and women of all ages need to be educated about abortion as a method of birth control," Small said.

Reed Declares State Of Emergency Due To Thompson Presidency

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president.

"This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said.

In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for you."

The mayor urged all residents to remain inside until the Thompson presidency passes, which is expected to take two years.

"If only they'd lure her onto 'Dancing With the Stars' again, we could get a much-needed reprieve from her for a few more months," Reed said.

Sheep-To-Shawl Replaced By Horse-To-Glue At PA Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest.

"Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff.

Each team's first task will be to slaughter their horse on the spot. "The key will really be to get to that bone and connective tissue, which are the main components of glue, as quickly as possible," Wolff said.

While the event promises to be considerably more messy than its predecessor, Wolff said he remained convinced "that it will be even better family fun, both for participants and for spectators." He said bystanders will be provided with parkas to protect them from flying horse guts.

"Horse-To-Glue will be a chance for us to better incorporate Pennsylvanians' love for killing animals into this exhibition for all ages," Wolff said.

Previous attempts to replace Sheep-To-Shawl proved unpopular. They included the Kitten-To-Mitten and Bull-Penis-To-Keychain contests.

(Photo credit: http://thenittanyline.blogspot.com.)

Gazelle Celebrates Most Successful Year To Date

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had.

The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person.

"It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other online entrepreneurs, I changed course."

"I'd personally like to thank all of the public officials who have done stupid shit over the past year and sparked story ideas," D. Editor said. "Please keep it up."

"Oh, we will," the public officials responded, in unison. "We will."

(Click here to read the first-ever lame-ass article published in The Central PA Gazelle.)

State Auditor General Appalled At Results Of Self-Audit

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts.

"I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

The auditor general said he had not realized until this audit that he was spending $165 per month for a gym membership. "I mean sure, I have this kick-ass body to show for it, but that's still too much money."

In a written report, Wagner urged himself to implement several corrective actions. They include developing and implementing standard operating procedures for reviewing purchases and enhancing vigilance over the use of his checkbook.

Wagner vowed to take his own recommendations, and to perform a follow-up audit of himself in six months.

Records Show Paterno Paid In Student Blood

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement.

According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints of blood -- or roughly three servings a day.

System records on the salaries of Paterno and other Penn State administrators were released after The Patriot-News sued, persevering with the tenacity of a lap dog who stubbornly refuses to stop humping your leg.

"We knew they were trying to keep this information secret for a reason," said Patriot Executive Editor David Newhouse. "But even so, this shit is pretty whacked."

It is not clear whether his life as a vampire will affect Paterno's recent induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.

Ex-lawmaker Arraigned For Shoddy Grooming

(HARRISBURG) - A former 10-term Democratic state lawmaker was arraigned this week on charges that he failed to shave before having his official photograph taken for the state House of Representatives website.

"Frank LaGrotta desecrated the American flag by posing in front of it with a blatant 5 o'clock shadow," said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett, flanked by a four-foot-by-five-foot poster-size version of the stubble-ridden photograph.

The former lawmaker, who was defeated in the May 2006 primary, was charged with a felony count of shoddy grooming.

Reached by phone following the announcement, LaGrotta told The Gazelle that he has since taken to shaving twice a day. "It's a hormonal thing," the Democrat said. "My facial hair has grown super-fast ever since puberty."

Reed Auctions Off Idea Of Building Wild West Museum

(DALLAS, TX) - Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today auctioned off his concept of building a museum full of western artifacts to a man from Cheyenne, Wyoming, who purchased the idea for $1.75 million.

"I'm a huge history buff and I love the Wild West," said John Steil, who cast the winning bid. "It just never occurred to me to build a museum about the West. In fact, I don't think it occurred to anyone!"

"While it would have obviously been a better fit for Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, I'm eager to give it a go in our neck of the woods," Steil said.

Charity Run Raises Money For Charity Runs

(LANCASTER) - Dozens of people took to the streets here today to run for a good cause: other people who run for a good cause.

The First Annual Lancaster Charity Run Walk/Run is designed to raise money for individuals who take part in walking or running events for various charities.

"I'm out here in memory of my dad," said Brent Houlihan of Gap. "He was taking part in an American Cancer Society Run for the Cure event in 2005, when he took a wrong turn and was hit by a train." Houlihan also recently participated in a walking event in York to raise money for families of people who are killed by trains in the course of walking or running for charity.

Others said they wanted to send a message of support to individuals who use walking and running events to send messages of support.

Such was the case for Shelly Harburger of Lititz. "My mom wants to take part in a walk for Multiple Sclerosis, but participants have to raise $300," she said. "I'm running today to raise that money so she can afford to sign up for the walk."

Declaration Of Add A Caption Winner Sparks Riots In Islamabad

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle "Add A Caption" Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack.

And the winner is..."Man, Woman, Dog Donate Organs to Keep Knoll Running." It was submitted by J.K. Nice going, J.K.! You have won the right to tell all of your friends that your caption was deemed most clever by Central Pennsylvania's premiere fake online newspaper. If that doesn't get you laid, I don't know what will.

Here is a sampling of some other submissions:

"Who farted?"

--submitted separately by 2 readers: Tracy H. in Carlisle and Anonymous

"'That's *how* old in dog years? Quit yanking my chain,' said fluffy."

--The Ghost of News Directors Past [D.Ed. note: Could it be Rick Wagner coming back from the dead?]

"Lt. Gov. Knoll appears at a rally for taxpayer-funded eye care for canines."

--Bovation of Linglestown

“See the Lt. Gov’s hair, that’s the look we will go for next time; Smile for the camera puppy….”

--G.P.

"Which twin has the Tony?"

--R.K. [D.Ed. note: I don't get this one, but I'm including it in case someone else does and it happens to be really damn funny.]

If you think any of those suck, you should see some of the ones left on the cutting room floor. Just kidding, as they were all at least mediocre. Another photo is on the way soon -- accompanied by your chance to submit captions and win absolutely nothing!

Jesus To Ride Along In All PennDOT Plows This Winter

(HARRISBURG) - In preparation for the winter months, the entire fleet of vehicles used to plow snow from Pennsylvania roads has been outfitted with plastic dashboard Jesuses, PennDOT officials announced today.

Transportation Secretary Allen Biehler said his department purchased a total of 2,787 figurines of Christ to outfit its fleet of 2,250 dump trucks, 520 front-end loaders and 16 snow blowers. That includes one for Biehler's personal vehicle.

"From this point forward, I don't care if it rains or freezes, now that we've got a Plastic Jesus riding shotgun on every plow," Biehler told reporters.

"If this doesn't prevent another I-78 shitstorm, then nothing will," Biehler said.

When asked about whether the dashboard Jesus purchase amounts to state-sanctioned religious expression, Biehler said he was "pretty sure" that applies to "all religions other than Christianity."

Colonoscopy Reveals Small Village In Santorum's Rectum

(Washington, D.C.) - A doctor who recently performed a colonoscopy on former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Wherever He's Pretending To Live Now, says the politician has a small village of indigenous people living in his ass.

The individuals appear to be a group of die-hard supporters who are "staunchly in denial" that Santorum lost his Senate seat, the former lawmaker's physician, Dr. Clint Jackhammer, said.

"Otherwise, once I figured out which end was which, the procedure went quite seamlessly," Jackhammer said. "He [Santorum] had that trademark grimace on his face the whole time, but he didn't complain too much. In fact, at one point, he asked me to do one particular maneuver over and over again. That was a little awkward."

"There is also some damage left up there from the reaming he took from Bob Casey last November," Jackhammer said. "But it ought to heal -- unless he attempts to run for office again."

Dick Willey To Pull Out Early

(There's no article, we just couldn't resist that headline.)

Bush Stages Surprise Tent Revival Before Lancaster Chamber Crowd

(LANCASTER) - With arms flailing and a Bible in-hand, President Bush today turned a planned appearance before some 400 business representatives in Lancaster County into a full-blown tent revival.

“I believe in the Lord! I buh-LIEVE,” the president proclaimed, running around the stage frantically with sweat dripping from his brow. “He will deliver us into salvation!”

A host of spiritual selections played by the Hempfield Area High School band served as a musical backdrop.

The message came as a bit of a surprise to members of the Lancaster Chamber of Commerce and Industry and the others in attendance, who were expecting to hear a status report on issues related to the federal budget and the economy.

"I would have liked to hear about the children's health insurance bill he vetoed, but this was pretty cool, too," said Judy Shaver, an audience member.

"JEE-sus Christ will come and saaave your shitty little town," Mr. Bush blurted, "if you simply ask him to do so."

At one point, Mr. Bush invited attendees to come forward, at which time he delivered a firm tap to the head to Chamber President Tom Baldrige, who fell backwards into the arms of two Secret Service agents.

Ahmadinejad To Succeed Willey As PHEAA Chief

(HARRISBURG) - The board of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today tapped Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to succeed Dick Willey as president and CEO.

PHEAA Board Chairman Rep. William Adolph, R-Delaware, conceded the pool of applicants has been "thin so far." But, he added, "anything's bound to be an improvement."

Gov. Ed Rendell applauded the selection of Ahmadinejad, saying he was just glad to see that "petty and cruel dictator [Dick] Willey exit the scene."

Letters To D. Editor

Dude, I grew up in Selinsgrove and went to college at F&M in Lancaster. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! You had me laughing so hard today I could barely breathe. Especially like the Katherine Baker Knoll and Rendell digs, he was my commencement speaker and I'll never forgive him for that.
Thanks again, N.L.
You're a good man, N.L., for staying for the speech. Many college students who have been subjected to Rendell commencement speeches have dropped out minutes into them, opting to forego their diplomas rather than sit through the whole thing.

• no idea who you are, but keep up the good work
• my friends and I refer to you as the "Harrisburg Onion"....
• which is intended as a supreme compliment
excellent satirical/comedy writing...which we really enjoy

C.H.
Placement of the bullet points in the email above may seem random and innocent enough at first glance, but I'm convinced they constitute one thing: Secret code from the terrorists. Run, everyone, run. Grab the Cheez Whiz and satellite phone and head to your special hiding places.

Brilliant. Seriously. I'm completely disappointed that I wasn't aware of this site until today. By far the funniest joint in the series of tubes carrying York Springs and Paxtang datelines.
B.D.
I'm disappointed that you weren't aware of this site, either. I don't follow your last sentence, but given the fact it includes the words "joint" and "tubes," I'll just assume you're high.

How can I go about getting a guide to state park sex spots?
J.B.
Meet me at sundown tonight at the men's restrooms near Fuller Lake in Pine Grove Furnace State Park. I'll be the fat guy in the second stall from the right with no pants on and a Scott Paterno mask. Yodel the Penn State fight song while shirtless, and I'll slide a copy of the guide out to you. Just tap my foot with yours if you have any questions.

New Guide Outlines Hot State Park Sex Spots

(HARRISBURG) - Citing growing interest in the subject since the airport bathroom arrest of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, the Pennsylvania Department of Conservation and Natural Resources today unveiled the "State Park Guide For Anonymous Sex Encounters."

The pocket-sized book features glossy pages to prevent sticking and contains suggested rendezvous locations as well as tips on gestures and signals to use to initiate a sexual act.

"There are many state park spots where we want to maintain a family-friendly atmosphere," said DCNR Secretary Michael DiBerardinis. "This guide is about all those other places where our park rangers look the other way."

"Whether it's for hiking, camping, swimming or anonymous sex, we want Pennsylvanians to know that our state parks are open for business," DiBerardinis said.

Zahorchak Achieves 'Adequate Yearly Progress' In The Sack

(HARRISBURG) - The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to start jumping up and down, singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy,'" said Betty Zahorchak. "But Gerald has shown a proper level of attentiveness to performance targets related to my sexual gratification."

Betty Zahorchak's review of her husband's sexual prowess was released to the media in the form of a 237-page document that includes extensive charts and graphs.

"I'm happy to announce today that Gerald is indeed making Adequate Yearly Progress as part of my effort to convert him into a true love stud by 2014," Betty Zahorchak said. "As of this year, he leaves me satisfied, on average, seven out of ten times."

"There are areas where my little Gerry can improve," she said. "But he knows where they are."

The education secretary was put on probation by his wife in 2004 -- a move that could have led to sanctions including limited television viewing time -- but he was able to pull his scores up the following year.