Popular "Chia Pot" Recalled From Store Shelves

(UNDATED) - With just days left in the holiday shopping season, retailers across central Pennsylvania have pulled the marijuana-on-ceramic Chia Pot due to a voluntary recall by the manufacturer.

California-based Joseph Enterprises Inc. says the recall came after several consumers complained that the product attracted their loser friends who would bring over all of their bootlegged Phish CDs and camp out on the living room sofa while devouring all salty snack foods to be found in the house. The product has been especially popular on and around college campuses.

Individuals who already bought a Chia Pot can return it for a full $300 refund, according to company spokesman Herb Gittlemore.

Santa Claus Arrested For DUI At Midstate Airport

(MIDDLETOWN) - Santa Claus was arrested for DUI Saturday night while practicing various maneuvers in the skies over south central Pennsylvania.

State Police said they received numerous complaints from residents about Claus flying "erratically" and dangerously close to several homes in the Middletown area.

Joanne Delancey, who lives in Highspire, reported hearing such a clatter that she sprang from her bed to see what was the matter. “What to my wondering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Back and forth in the sky they thrashed, I knew in a moment that Santa was trashed.”

Police took Claus into custody shortly after he landed on the airport's runway.

"He was very visibly intoxicated,” said Trooper Charles Mugglebeam. “His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. In fact, his behavior was so erratic that I laughed when I saw him – in spite of myself."

Claus was charged with DUI, public drunkenness and possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. “He had a one-pound brick of pot in his suit and a four-foot water bong riding shotgun in his sleigh,” said Mugglebeam.

A spokesman for Claus said the elf-in-chief regularly practices takeoffs and landings at HIA because the facility is used by "few, if any, airplanes."

As for the arrest, the spokesman sounded a skeptical tone. "This is just another example of police targeting someone because he's black."

Knoll's Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA

(HARRISBURG) - The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.

The late lieutenant governor's body was the grand marshall in last weekend's Holiday Parade in downtown Harrisburg, then lied in repose for several days at the state Capitol building. Today, in a rare trip across state lines, she participated in the coin toss at the beginning of the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots in Massachusetts.

On Monday, Knoll will be present for the ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new electronics store in Pike County. Her body will lie in repose for a few hours each at several Catholic churches on Tuesday and Wednesday, but will be busy again on Thursday as she introduces the band Nada Surf for their evening appearance at the Trocadero club in Philadelphia.

"She's always been a busy, dedicated woman," said Gov. Ed Rendell. "I guess it should come as no surprise that she's been this busy in the first couple weeks following her death."

Letters To D. Editor

It's been a while since your last post. Are you still there? What happened?
E.W.

What gives? Did you go the way of the beehive lady, D. Editor?
C.K.

It's good to be back. As is my practice every four years, I went into hibernation about a month before the presidential election. I achieve this by hauling out a contraption made of a clock radio and an old I.V. machine loaded with a big ol' bag of Jack Daniels and valium. Let's just say it worked a little too well, as I conked out on October 8 and just woke up yesterday. But damn, do I feel refreshed! Now, if only I could get this fork out of my ear...

If you're really serious, and you actually have Central PA Gazelle stickers, I would proudly display one on my lovely working mom/football mom/can't afford to pay for oldest's college tuition mom van.
M.D.

I think they're around here somewhere. Let me get some clothes on and I'll see if I can scrape one up for you.

Financial Experts: 'Okay, Go Ahead And Panic'

(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.

Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries.

"Obviously, that non-panicking psycho-babble we were preaching for a while didn't do a hell of a lot of good," said George DeLauria, with the Edward Jones investment firm in York Township, York County. "So now, I'm advising those who seek my counsel to sell all of their stock, cut up their credit cards, stop making mortgage payments and board up all doors and windows to keep banking representatives and the sheriff's office out."

"As for retirees, they're totally fucked," said Gwendolyn Hennypeck, president of Wachovia Securities in East Pennsboro Township, Cumberland County. "If I were old, I'd probably rob a bank. That way, you'll either emerge with a lot of money or rent-free housing courtesy of your local prison for the rest of your dwindling life."

Most advisers were quick to note that, because the economy is cyclical, anyone who has been waiting for an opportunity to panic should do so now -- before the markets recover in a few months.

Campaign Urges Strangers To 'Fondle My Funbags'

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - A non-profit group today launched a breast cancer awareness effort designed to rival the "Feel Your Boobies" campaign.

Participants in "Fondle My Funbags" wear t-shirts emblazoned with the title slogan, encouraging other people to give them spontaneous breast exams.

"This all started when I was at the Eclipse nightclub in Harrisburg a couple weeks back," said founder Suzie Ralston, 24, of New Cumberland. "This drunk guy grabbed my left tit, only to pause and say, 'Uh oh, I think I feel a lump.' Sure enough, it turned out I had a tumor. But it was caught early, thanks to that creep's classless and sex-starved act."

"The best part is that this removes the stigma from grabbing a total stranger's tits," said Schuyler Ralston, Suzie's husband, who is believed to be the most vocal backer of the campaign. He has also taken preliminary steps toward starting a similar testicular cancer awareness effort for men, entitled "Jostle My Junk."

Reason For Blue Cross CEO's Departure: Torrid Affair With Blue Man

(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.

Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads.

"Several people on the set reported that Smith and Blue [Man] had a lot of trouble keeping their hands off of each other between takes. Then after the shoot, the two were seen making out passionately on the hood of Ms. Smith's Mercedes right there in the parking lot," Lehr said. "We found that to be conduct unbecoming of a CEO."

Some coworkers who declined to give their names said Smith often found herself struggling to explain bright blue marks which seemed to surface out of nowhere on her neck, face and hands.

One woman who called herself a member of Smith's "inner circle" said the top executive often spoke of being sexually attracted to Gumby and other plasma-like figures throughout her life. "But," the woman quoted Smith as saying, "once you go Blue, you never go back."

Capital Blue Cross spokesman Tim Reeves would not confirm nor deny the allegations. "But I think it goes without saying that when you spend that much time together taping commercials, that breeds a high-stress environment that could easily bring sexual tension to the surface," he said.

Reeves said the Blue Man was unavailable for comment, noting his lack of a mouth.

Stuffed Likeness Of McCain Visits Lancaster

(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said.

"There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to Lancaster," one Palin aide told the Gazelle on condition of anonymity. As the aide secretly talked with our reporter, he removed his shirt and began whipping himself on the back with a cat o' nine tails. It was "out of penance to Jesus Christ and his direct disciple, Sarah Palin," the aide said.

"So we decided -- OWWW! -- that no one would notice it was actually -- AAARGH! -- a stuffed likeness of the senator because of their sheer -- OHHH OWW! -- excitement for Gov. Palin," the aide said.

Terry Madonna, a political science professor at F&M, was shocked to learn of the switch. "You're shitting me," he said. "I thought his stump speech was a little more wooden than usual. But other than that, he had me fooled."

A McCain staffer -- who also spoke anonymously -- confirmed that the campaign considered the appearance to be such a great success that it would double-book the Arizona senator on a frequent basis between now and the election.

"Thinking long-term, the taxidermied [version of] McCain would also be ready to step into the presidency on a moment's notice should something happen to the real president," the staffer said. "That's more than we can say for Sarah Palin."

Bristol Palin To Serve As PLCB Spokes-teen

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.

The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."

Stapleton said he hoped a series of television commercials and print advertisements could be produced "before Bristol starts showing." He said the mother-to-be would not be expected to drink a substantial amount of alcohol, but rather "a few shots here and there to make sure it looks real."

The outreach effort targeting teens comes as the PLCB undergoes a "renaissance" in its retail operations, part of which Stapleton said involves "doubled-up efforts to better tap into the under-21 crowd."

"At a time when the economy appears to be slowing, the best way for us to build our business is to bolster underage and binge drinking," Stapleton said. "After all, some of our most loyal customers are dying off, and we need to replace them as quickly as possible."

The Gazelle Not Above Shameless Promotion, D. Editor Says

What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.

Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water resistant. Thanks to our low-cost production techniques, the cost to you is totally FREE!

How do I get one? Wow...you're serious. You actually want one? Well, email us a request and include as an attachment a picture of yourself riding a sheep. (Picture optional.) Be sure to include your mailing address, and we'll snail-mail you one of these collector's items within days.

Disclaimers:
* Limit 2 stickers per request, please.
* Your mailing address will be discarded as soon as the sticker is mailed (unless we get a really good offer in the near future from junk mail distributors).
* Offer not valid for residents of Rhode Island or Puerto Rico.
* Offer expires once we run out of stickers and/or young Amish children to make them.

DeWeese Urges Self To Step Down

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign.

"In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the right thing and relinquish my House seat, or at the very least, my leadership post," DeWeese (D-Greene) said. "I mean really. Who the hell am I trying to fool?"

Standing at a lectern, DeWeese laid out a case against his own plans to seek re-election. "A true leader does not unnecessarily put his troops directly in harm's way for purely political gain," the lawmaker said. Occasionally, he would pause to take a swig from a large jug of Gatorade and scarf down a few pork rinds, only to continue lambasting himself for what ended up being a 47-minute tirade.

In an interview after his floor speech, DeWeese said he thought he had made several good points, but ultimately brushed aside his own calls for his resignation. "I can not let this type of gibberish keep me from doing my job," he said.

Crooks Plan To Sneak In Your Back Door On National Night Out

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well.

"While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar who calls himself 'Hellboy.' "It's even better when they go out to one of those community events at a park, because then we're pretty much guaranteed to have the whole place to ourselves. Dumbasses."

Police acknowledge their efforts on National Night Out are focused on community outreach and not on patrols. "It's a chance for us to take a break from chasing bad guys for a night and not actually have to do any hard work," said Susquehanna Township Police Chief Robert Martin. He said his department plans to hold an event that will feature, among other activities, a public demonstration on how tasers work, using homeless men rounded up from nearby Harrisburg earlier in the day as targets.

York Police Commissioner Mark Whitman said his department will have costume characters on-hand offering free samples of certain street drugs, including cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine. "That's mostly for adults, though, as we'll steer children toward samples of the less-addictive substances, like marijuana," Whitman said.

Meantime, Camp Hill Borough Police plan to offer free child fingerprinting kits and a demonstration entitled "How Racial Profiling Makes Our Community Better."

Boscov's Forced To Lay Off That Old Lady With A Beehive Hairdo

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo.

The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such woman employed by Boscov's.

Chief Executive Officer Ken Lakin declined to comment on the rumors of multiple old women with beehive hairdos working for the company and on the firing, other than to say it was a "difficult personnel matter."

Deceased Man Remembered As Total Prick

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole.

"He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor.

"He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted around me all the time," reflects Esther Ruthbaum, Ralph's widow. "He also left the toilet seat up a lot."

"I hated him because he gave out grocery store coupons each year for Halloween," said 10-year-old neighbor Justin Pratt. "What a dick."

Others recalled Ruthbaum as someone who would regularly borrow tools and other items without giving them back and as a neighbor who would call the police on even the most civilized of neighborhood parties.

There are no memorial or burial services planned, his wife said. "I doubt anyone would show up."

Indicted Former Rep. Veon Really Digs Powder Blue

(HARRISBURG) - Former state Rep. Mike Veon (D-Totally Screwed) showed up for his arraignment on Thursday wearing an ensemble in which powder blue was the predominant color.

His powder blue tie perfectly matched the stripes in his shirt, and although his pants had a slightly gray-ish blue hue, they served to round out his ensemble nicely.

Through his attorney Robert Del Greco Jr., Veon expressed that his clothing choice was a reflection of his "affinity for the entire blue family of color, but especially powder blue." When asked why his client wore such dark shoes with such a light-colored ensemble, Veon's lawyer responded with a terse "No comment."

"I think he made the right decision," said Stacy London, host of What Not To Wear on TLC. "If you're going to be handcuffed, it's a good idea to keep the tie simple. Without your hands free, there's no chance of obscuring the tie in any way whatsoever, so it's just kind of out there, meaning that any design can easily come across as overpowering."

"His only mistake was that striped shirt," said Clinton Kelly, London's cohost. "Thin stripes can create an undesirable effect with TV cameras. But who knows? Maybe that's what he was after."

Bond Picks Up AM Drive Shift On KLINK 104

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail.

Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104.

Bond's co-hosts include his 20-year-old cellmate, who has the distinction of becoming the second young man upon whom Bond has bestowed the name "Stretch," and another male inmate who wears excessive makeup and answers to the name "Bubbles."

While Bond has reportedly been able to maintain a sizable audience, authorities said the suicide rate at the prison has quadrupled since he took to the airwaves. "If you've heard him on the air, you probably realize that's no coincidence," said John Theobald, the superintendent at the jail.

Bond chose to be incarcerated at Rikers Island due to its reputation for gratuitous strip-searches and senseless beatings, said his attorney, Patrick Michael Megaro.

Rising Gas Prices Affect Hummer Sales

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase.

"Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street.

For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is being seen in the type of hummer being purchased. "Some clients who had always bought the full-blown H1 types are now settling for H2- or H3-level hummers in an attempt to save money by accumulating less billable time," said call girl Sharisse Lovesponge, who is often seen working the streets of Midtown Harrisburg.

Letters To D. Editor

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes.
N.B.

Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside from cigarettes. Topping that list are carbon emissions, any of a number of invasive species, and Ann Coulter.

Do you think [Harrisburg Mayor] Stephen Reed will obey the state's new smoking ban?
S.A.

To some extent, yes. I fully expect Reed to stop smoking cigarettes in his office. However, I wouldn't be surprised to hear of him taking the occasional puff from that hookah -- you know, the one made from the hollowed-out skull of former mayoral spokesman Randy King.

Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

"We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action before the budget," he added, including legislation that would prevent lesbians from buying liquor at state-run Wine and Spirit Shoppes on Tuesdays.

Governor Ed Rendell responded angrily to the news and chided lawmakers for "setting expectations even lower than I do." Rendell then proceeded to furlough Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll "until further notice."

A woman who answered the phone at Knoll's residence said the lieutenant governor was "making dandelion stew and frolicking with gypsies" and was therefore unavailable for comment.

Purchase Of Mini Cooper Turns Steelton Man Gay

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper.

Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of watching the Eastern Conference finals, Dan was watching 'Dancing With the Stars' and playing with his nipples."

Harry Shelton, the salesman at the Carlisle dealership that sold Maddox the car, said the Steelton man was presented with a written disclaimer that outlined studies regarding the model's tendency to cause shifts in sexual preferences. "It's standard. It's not like we didn't warn him."

Catholic Diocese Inks Deal With Cheez-Its Maker

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese.

Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration.

Among the deciding factors for Bishop Kevin Rhoades was said to be the opportunity to use jalapeno-flavored Cheez-Its as a penance for confession.

Rhoades was also said to be somewhat offended at one line in Nabisco's proposal that read, "Everything tastes better sitting on the body of Christ."

The deal comes less than a year after the Diocese entered into a contract with Sutter Home that made Cabernet Sauvignon "the official sacramental wine" of the region's parishes.

PA's Key Honkey Demographics Side With Clinton

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day.

Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies.

"We knew the sister-lovin' sheep-fuckin' crowd would break for Hillary," said G. Terry Madonna, professor of public affairs at Franklin & Marshall College. "It should also come as little surprise that anyone who's cracked a book at some point in their lives is all about Obama."

Oops, Poll Worker Just Crapped His Pants

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants.

Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler.

Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks to her husband. She was contacted by Judith Crabtree, the local precinct captain.

"This type of thing actually happens more often at polling places than you might think," said Crabtree.

Beers and Spears

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war in Iraq only go so far in influencing voting booth choices.

SPEARS...to all of the political candidates -- both Democrat and Republican -- who are choosing to clutter up the ballot by launching races for state House and state Senate. Each and every one of them risks detracting much-needed media-overattention from the presidential race. Apparently, you were out sick the day they taught political etiquette in school -- namely the part about quietly standing on the sidelines while Democracy runs its course in much bigger, more important races. I mean, does the General Assembly even do anything any more? I thought that vote to rescind their pay raises a couple years ago was essentially a vote to disband.

BEERS...to former Cumberland County Commissioner Bruce Barclay for his four years of public service. From the looks of the court papers, Mr. Barclay appears to be poised for a stellar career in the video production business -- even if those aspirations of being a Boy Scout troop leader have suddenly become a bit less attainable. If only commissioner posts were like the Catholic priesthood, Barclay would just be reassigned to another county.

Obama To Address Klan Rally In York County

(HANOVER) - Presidential candidate and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama will transform a Ku Klux Klan rally planned here for Monday into a "Rally For Change."

A campaign official said it is part of Obama's larger goal of winning over some of the county's high concentration of white supremacist voters. "If we're going to win over Central Pennsylvania, we're going to need a good chunk of the hate vote," said campaign spokesman Sean Smith.

Several racists said they are looking forward to the senator's visit. "While I never imagined I'd want to vote for a black man, I'm very intrigued by his promise to bring about change," said Glenn Herdall, president of York County's White United Party. Herdall said he and local Klan leaders plan to "roll out the white carpet" for Obama's appearance.

Recent polls show Hillary Clinton leading Barack Obama by 97 percentage points among self-identified white supremacists in the midstate.

Letters To D. Editor

I'm hoping there have been no posts to your site because you are vacationing somewhere warm. If not and your mind has been erased, well that's a bummer. I miss your biting humor!
S.S.

Are you terminally ill? If not, I need my monthly fix of outrageous Harrisburg satire. Otherwise, so sorry!
P.M.

I feel you deserve an explanation in the form of the truth, so here is what caused my hiatus:
One day, in much the same fashion as a lunar eclipse, a cacophony of shitty news and happenings simply got to me. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama were kissing unbelievable amounts of ass in our region, the General Assembly was holding caucuses every day just so they could play that little paper football game we all played in study hall, and I lost a lot of money betting on four 16-over-1 upsets that never formulated in the NCAA college basketball tournament. Consequently, I decided to do what any reasonable person would have done: I shoved a fork in my ear. Well, that sucker went in far enough to do some pretty serious damage. So now, my ear rings constantly, I have a heavy speech impediment, and I piss my pants every time the doorbell rings. But the part of my brain that lets me write this silly publication is still intact, so the show must and will go on. Thank you for your patience in my lengthy absence.

Sincerely,
D. Editor

Rendell Switches Presidential Endorsement To Kucinich

(HARRISBURG) - In a move rarely seen in the political arena, Governor Ed Rendell today announced he was withdrawing his endorsement of Senator Hillary Clinton and would instead throw his support behind Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, who dropped out of the presidential race last month.

"After I recently noted that Barack Obama's electability is limited in Pennsylvania because he's African-American, it was brought to my attention that Hillary [Clinton] is a woman," Rendell told reporters. "Until this point, I was not aware of this. Had I been privy to this information before, she would not have received my endorsement due to the obvious challenges she would face with the commonwealth's extremely sexist electorate."

Pundits instantly criticized Rendell for his abrupt change of course, with columnist John Baer of the Philadelphia Daily News chastising the governor for backing "just another white guy," noting "a Kucinich presidency would be boring in that it would offer no 'firsts.'"

Rendell later disputed that argument in an interview with the Gazelle. "Under President Kucinich, we would have the first hot First Lady," he said.

Winter Storm Turns Part Of I-81 Into Ice Rink

(HARRISBURG) - PennDOT shut down a stretch of Interstate 81 in Dauphin County this evening and transformed it into a paid-admission skating rink, much to the chagrin of motorists who were forced to find an alternate route.

"I heard about it on the TV [news], but I didn't realize it was for real," said Carlisle resident David Jarrens. "I just assumed the reporter was using the same old tired cliche again."

PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler noted the money would benefit "two good causes."

"While it may have inconvenienced some drivers, they should take solace in the fact that 75 percent of the proceeds will be put toward bridge and highway repairs," Biehler said. He said the remaining 25 percent would be used to pay the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency's legal bills.

"Don't drive tonight unless you have to," Biehler said. "Or unless you plan to go skating on I-81."

Knoll And Roethlisberger Acknowledge Steamy Affair

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's mainly physical," Roethlisberger explained.

"They don't call him 'Big Ben' for nothing," Knoll quipped. At least two reporters present at the press conference were seen vomiting slightly in their mouths following that statement.

"We might be 52 years apart in age, but we're both still teenagers in the bedroom," Roethlisberger said.

Letters To D. Editor

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece.
C.S.

First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "pointing out one of the downsides of the Internet." He goes on to say, "Anybody can put up tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material without having the guts to put one's name behind it." In response, Trout-meister, I would only assert that our article was a real spoof, not a fake one. Also, I commend you for having the guts to put your name behind your tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material. You're truly an inspiration to the next generation of cantankerous wordsmiths.

In a separate entry, The Trout bestows "cheers" upon Punxsutawney Phil for stopping by the newsroom. He expresses apparent disappointment at how Phil "was not allowing himself to be touched." What exactly did you have in mind, Mr. Troutman? Some quiet time with -- as you call him -- your "favorite Rodent-American?"

(Aside from Mr. Big Balls, thanks to the other folks at the Patriot who've given us a lot of nice press lately.)

Head Injury Causes Penbrook Man To Reverse Abortion Stance

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head.

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing."

Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a Harrisburg abortion clinic, causing him to fall to the ground, hit his head, and cry like -- ironically -- a baby. Doctors say the injury is likely the reason for his about-face on the abortion issue.

Upon arriving home from the hospital, Small took down the infamous pictures of aborted fetuses from his front yard and replaced them with signs with slogans including "Honk if you love abortion!" and "You've got abortion rights, so use 'em!"

"I feel girls and women of all ages need to be educated about abortion as a method of birth control," Small said.

Reed Declares State Of Emergency Due To Thompson Presidency

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president.

"This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said.

In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for you."

The mayor urged all residents to remain inside until the Thompson presidency passes, which is expected to take two years.

"If only they'd lure her onto 'Dancing With the Stars' again, we could get a much-needed reprieve from her for a few more months," Reed said.

Sheep-To-Shawl Replaced By Horse-To-Glue At PA Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest.

"Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff.

Each team's first task will be to slaughter their horse on the spot. "The key will really be to get to that bone and connective tissue, which are the main components of glue, as quickly as possible," Wolff said.

While the event promises to be considerably more messy than its predecessor, Wolff said he remained convinced "that it will be even better family fun, both for participants and for spectators." He said bystanders will be provided with parkas to protect them from flying horse guts.

"Horse-To-Glue will be a chance for us to better incorporate Pennsylvanians' love for killing animals into this exhibition for all ages," Wolff said.

Previous attempts to replace Sheep-To-Shawl proved unpopular. They included the Kitten-To-Mitten and Bull-Penis-To-Keychain contests.

(Photo credit: http://thenittanyline.blogspot.com.)