(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said.
"There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to Lancaster," one Palin aide told the Gazelle on condition of anonymity. As the aide secretly talked with our reporter, he removed his shirt and began whipping himself on the back with a cat o' nine tails. It was "out of penance to Jesus Christ and his direct disciple, Sarah Palin," the aide said.
"So we decided -- OWWW! -- that no one would notice it was actually -- AAARGH! -- a stuffed likeness of the senator because of their sheer -- OHHH OWW! -- excitement for Gov. Palin," the aide said.
Terry Madonna, a political science professor at F&M, was shocked to learn of the switch. "You're shitting me," he said. "I thought his stump speech was a little more wooden than usual. But other than that, he had me fooled."
A McCain staffer -- who also spoke anonymously -- confirmed that the campaign considered the appearance to be such a great success that it would double-book the Arizona senator on a frequent basis between now and the election.
"Thinking long-term, the taxidermied [version of] McCain would also be ready to step into the presidency on a moment's notice should something happen to the real president," the staffer said. "That's more than we can say for Sarah Palin."
