Bond Picks Up AM Drive Shift On KLINK 104

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail.

Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104.

Bond's co-hosts include his 20-year-old cellmate, who has the distinction of becoming the second young man upon whom Bond has bestowed the name "Stretch," and another male inmate who wears excessive makeup and answers to the name "Bubbles."

While Bond has reportedly been able to maintain a sizable audience, authorities said the suicide rate at the prison has quadrupled since he took to the airwaves. "If you've heard him on the air, you probably realize that's no coincidence," said John Theobald, the superintendent at the jail.

Bond chose to be incarcerated at Rikers Island due to its reputation for gratuitous strip-searches and senseless beatings, said his attorney, Patrick Michael Megaro.

Rising Gas Prices Affect Hummer Sales

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase.

"Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street.

For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is being seen in the type of hummer being purchased. "Some clients who had always bought the full-blown H1 types are now settling for H2- or H3-level hummers in an attempt to save money by accumulating less billable time," said call girl Sharisse Lovesponge, who is often seen working the streets of Midtown Harrisburg.

Letters To D. Editor

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes.
N.B.

Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside from cigarettes. Topping that list are carbon emissions, any of a number of invasive species, and Ann Coulter.

Do you think [Harrisburg Mayor] Stephen Reed will obey the state's new smoking ban?
S.A.

To some extent, yes. I fully expect Reed to stop smoking cigarettes in his office. However, I wouldn't be surprised to hear of him taking the occasional puff from that hookah -- you know, the one made from the hollowed-out skull of former mayoral spokesman Randy King.

Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

"We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action before the budget," he added, including legislation that would prevent lesbians from buying liquor at state-run Wine and Spirit Shoppes on Tuesdays.

Governor Ed Rendell responded angrily to the news and chided lawmakers for "setting expectations even lower than I do." Rendell then proceeded to furlough Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll "until further notice."

A woman who answered the phone at Knoll's residence said the lieutenant governor was "making dandelion stew and frolicking with gypsies" and was therefore unavailable for comment.

Purchase Of Mini Cooper Turns Steelton Man Gay

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper.

Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of watching the Eastern Conference finals, Dan was watching 'Dancing With the Stars' and playing with his nipples."

Harry Shelton, the salesman at the Carlisle dealership that sold Maddox the car, said the Steelton man was presented with a written disclaimer that outlined studies regarding the model's tendency to cause shifts in sexual preferences. "It's standard. It's not like we didn't warn him."

Catholic Diocese Inks Deal With Cheez-Its Maker

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese.

Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration.

Among the deciding factors for Bishop Kevin Rhoades was said to be the opportunity to use jalapeno-flavored Cheez-Its as a penance for confession.

Rhoades was also said to be somewhat offended at one line in Nabisco's proposal that read, "Everything tastes better sitting on the body of Christ."

The deal comes less than a year after the Diocese entered into a contract with Sutter Home that made Cabernet Sauvignon "the official sacramental wine" of the region's parishes.

PA's Key Honkey Demographics Side With Clinton

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day.

Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies.

"We knew the sister-lovin' sheep-fuckin' crowd would break for Hillary," said G. Terry Madonna, professor of public affairs at Franklin & Marshall College. "It should also come as little surprise that anyone who's cracked a book at some point in their lives is all about Obama."

Oops, Poll Worker Just Crapped His Pants

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants.

Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler.

Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks to her husband. She was contacted by Judith Crabtree, the local precinct captain.

"This type of thing actually happens more often at polling places than you might think," said Crabtree.

Beers and Spears

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war in Iraq only go so far in influencing voting booth choices.

SPEARS...to all of the political candidates -- both Democrat and Republican -- who are choosing to clutter up the ballot by launching races for state House and state Senate. Each and every one of them risks detracting much-needed media-overattention from the presidential race. Apparently, you were out sick the day they taught political etiquette in school -- namely the part about quietly standing on the sidelines while Democracy runs its course in much bigger, more important races. I mean, does the General Assembly even do anything any more? I thought that vote to rescind their pay raises a couple years ago was essentially a vote to disband.

BEERS...to former Cumberland County Commissioner Bruce Barclay for his four years of public service. From the looks of the court papers, Mr. Barclay appears to be poised for a stellar career in the video production business -- even if those aspirations of being a Boy Scout troop leader have suddenly become a bit less attainable. If only commissioner posts were like the Catholic priesthood, Barclay would just be reassigned to another county.

Obama To Address Klan Rally In York County

(HANOVER) - Presidential candidate and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama will transform a Ku Klux Klan rally planned here for Monday into a "Rally For Change."

A campaign official said it is part of Obama's larger goal of winning over some of the county's high concentration of white supremacist voters. "If we're going to win over Central Pennsylvania, we're going to need a good chunk of the hate vote," said campaign spokesman Sean Smith.

Several racists said they are looking forward to the senator's visit. "While I never imagined I'd want to vote for a black man, I'm very intrigued by his promise to bring about change," said Glenn Herdall, president of York County's White United Party. Herdall said he and local Klan leaders plan to "roll out the white carpet" for Obama's appearance.

Recent polls show Hillary Clinton leading Barack Obama by 97 percentage points among self-identified white supremacists in the midstate.

Letters To D. Editor

I'm hoping there have been no posts to your site because you are vacationing somewhere warm. If not and your mind has been erased, well that's a bummer. I miss your biting humor!
S.S.

Are you terminally ill? If not, I need my monthly fix of outrageous Harrisburg satire. Otherwise, so sorry!
P.M.

I feel you deserve an explanation in the form of the truth, so here is what caused my hiatus:
One day, in much the same fashion as a lunar eclipse, a cacophony of shitty news and happenings simply got to me. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama were kissing unbelievable amounts of ass in our region, the General Assembly was holding caucuses every day just so they could play that little paper football game we all played in study hall, and I lost a lot of money betting on four 16-over-1 upsets that never formulated in the NCAA college basketball tournament. Consequently, I decided to do what any reasonable person would have done: I shoved a fork in my ear. Well, that sucker went in far enough to do some pretty serious damage. So now, my ear rings constantly, I have a heavy speech impediment, and I piss my pants every time the doorbell rings. But the part of my brain that lets me write this silly publication is still intact, so the show must and will go on. Thank you for your patience in my lengthy absence.

Sincerely,
D. Editor

Rendell Switches Presidential Endorsement To Kucinich

(HARRISBURG) - In a move rarely seen in the political arena, Governor Ed Rendell today announced he was withdrawing his endorsement of Senator Hillary Clinton and would instead throw his support behind Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, who dropped out of the presidential race last month.

"After I recently noted that Barack Obama's electability is limited in Pennsylvania because he's African-American, it was brought to my attention that Hillary [Clinton] is a woman," Rendell told reporters. "Until this point, I was not aware of this. Had I been privy to this information before, she would not have received my endorsement due to the obvious challenges she would face with the commonwealth's extremely sexist electorate."

Pundits instantly criticized Rendell for his abrupt change of course, with columnist John Baer of the Philadelphia Daily News chastising the governor for backing "just another white guy," noting "a Kucinich presidency would be boring in that it would offer no 'firsts.'"

Rendell later disputed that argument in an interview with the Gazelle. "Under President Kucinich, we would have the first hot First Lady," he said.

Winter Storm Turns Part Of I-81 Into Ice Rink

(HARRISBURG) - PennDOT shut down a stretch of Interstate 81 in Dauphin County this evening and transformed it into a paid-admission skating rink, much to the chagrin of motorists who were forced to find an alternate route.

"I heard about it on the TV [news], but I didn't realize it was for real," said Carlisle resident David Jarrens. "I just assumed the reporter was using the same old tired cliche again."

PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler noted the money would benefit "two good causes."

"While it may have inconvenienced some drivers, they should take solace in the fact that 75 percent of the proceeds will be put toward bridge and highway repairs," Biehler said. He said the remaining 25 percent would be used to pay the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency's legal bills.

"Don't drive tonight unless you have to," Biehler said. "Or unless you plan to go skating on I-81."

Knoll And Roethlisberger Acknowledge Steamy Affair

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's mainly physical," Roethlisberger explained.

"They don't call him 'Big Ben' for nothing," Knoll quipped. At least two reporters present at the press conference were seen vomiting slightly in their mouths following that statement.

"We might be 52 years apart in age, but we're both still teenagers in the bedroom," Roethlisberger said.

Letters To D. Editor

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece.
C.S.

First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "pointing out one of the downsides of the Internet." He goes on to say, "Anybody can put up tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material without having the guts to put one's name behind it." In response, Trout-meister, I would only assert that our article was a real spoof, not a fake one. Also, I commend you for having the guts to put your name behind your tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material. You're truly an inspiration to the next generation of cantankerous wordsmiths.

In a separate entry, The Trout bestows "cheers" upon Punxsutawney Phil for stopping by the newsroom. He expresses apparent disappointment at how Phil "was not allowing himself to be touched." What exactly did you have in mind, Mr. Troutman? Some quiet time with -- as you call him -- your "favorite Rodent-American?"

(Aside from Mr. Big Balls, thanks to the other folks at the Patriot who've given us a lot of nice press lately.)

Head Injury Causes Penbrook Man To Reverse Abortion Stance

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head.

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing."

Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a Harrisburg abortion clinic, causing him to fall to the ground, hit his head, and cry like -- ironically -- a baby. Doctors say the injury is likely the reason for his about-face on the abortion issue.

Upon arriving home from the hospital, Small took down the infamous pictures of aborted fetuses from his front yard and replaced them with signs with slogans including "Honk if you love abortion!" and "You've got abortion rights, so use 'em!"

"I feel girls and women of all ages need to be educated about abortion as a method of birth control," Small said.

Reed Declares State Of Emergency Due To Thompson Presidency

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president.

"This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said.

In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for you."

The mayor urged all residents to remain inside until the Thompson presidency passes, which is expected to take two years.

"If only they'd lure her onto 'Dancing With the Stars' again, we could get a much-needed reprieve from her for a few more months," Reed said.

Sheep-To-Shawl Replaced By Horse-To-Glue At PA Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest.

"Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff.

Each team's first task will be to slaughter their horse on the spot. "The key will really be to get to that bone and connective tissue, which are the main components of glue, as quickly as possible," Wolff said.

While the event promises to be considerably more messy than its predecessor, Wolff said he remained convinced "that it will be even better family fun, both for participants and for spectators." He said bystanders will be provided with parkas to protect them from flying horse guts.

"Horse-To-Glue will be a chance for us to better incorporate Pennsylvanians' love for killing animals into this exhibition for all ages," Wolff said.

Previous attempts to replace Sheep-To-Shawl proved unpopular. They included the Kitten-To-Mitten and Bull-Penis-To-Keychain contests.

(Photo credit: http://thenittanyline.blogspot.com.)

Gazelle Celebrates Most Successful Year To Date

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had.

The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person.

"It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other online entrepreneurs, I changed course."

"I'd personally like to thank all of the public officials who have done stupid shit over the past year and sparked story ideas," D. Editor said. "Please keep it up."

"Oh, we will," the public officials responded, in unison. "We will."

(Click here to read the first-ever lame-ass article published in The Central PA Gazelle.)

State Auditor General Appalled At Results Of Self-Audit

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts.

"I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

The auditor general said he had not realized until this audit that he was spending $165 per month for a gym membership. "I mean sure, I have this kick-ass body to show for it, but that's still too much money."

In a written report, Wagner urged himself to implement several corrective actions. They include developing and implementing standard operating procedures for reviewing purchases and enhancing vigilance over the use of his checkbook.

Wagner vowed to take his own recommendations, and to perform a follow-up audit of himself in six months.