Reason For Blue Cross CEO's Departure: Torrid Affair With Blue Man

(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.

Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads.

"Several people on the set reported that Smith and Blue [Man] had a lot of trouble keeping their hands off of each other between takes. Then after the shoot, the two were seen making out passionately on the hood of Ms. Smith's Mercedes right there in the parking lot," Lehr said. "We found that to be conduct unbecoming of a CEO."

Some coworkers who declined to give their names said Smith often found herself struggling to explain bright blue marks which seemed to surface out of nowhere on her neck, face and hands.

One woman who called herself a member of Smith's "inner circle" said the top executive often spoke of being sexually attracted to Gumby and other plasma-like figures throughout her life. "But," the woman quoted Smith as saying, "once you go Blue, you never go back."

Capital Blue Cross spokesman Tim Reeves would not confirm nor deny the allegations. "But I think it goes without saying that when you spend that much time together taping commercials, that breeds a high-stress environment that could easily bring sexual tension to the surface," he said.

Reeves said the Blue Man was unavailable for comment, noting his lack of a mouth.

Stuffed Likeness Of McCain Visits Lancaster

(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said.

"There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to Lancaster," one Palin aide told the Gazelle on condition of anonymity. As the aide secretly talked with our reporter, he removed his shirt and began whipping himself on the back with a cat o' nine tails. It was "out of penance to Jesus Christ and his direct disciple, Sarah Palin," the aide said.

"So we decided -- OWWW! -- that no one would notice it was actually -- AAARGH! -- a stuffed likeness of the senator because of their sheer -- OHHH OWW! -- excitement for Gov. Palin," the aide said.

Terry Madonna, a political science professor at F&M, was shocked to learn of the switch. "You're shitting me," he said. "I thought his stump speech was a little more wooden than usual. But other than that, he had me fooled."

A McCain staffer -- who also spoke anonymously -- confirmed that the campaign considered the appearance to be such a great success that it would double-book the Arizona senator on a frequent basis between now and the election.

"Thinking long-term, the taxidermied [version of] McCain would also be ready to step into the presidency on a moment's notice should something happen to the real president," the staffer said. "That's more than we can say for Sarah Palin."

Bristol Palin To Serve As PLCB Spokes-teen

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.

The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."

Stapleton said he hoped a series of television commercials and print advertisements could be produced "before Bristol starts showing." He said the mother-to-be would not be expected to drink a substantial amount of alcohol, but rather "a few shots here and there to make sure it looks real."

The outreach effort targeting teens comes as the PLCB undergoes a "renaissance" in its retail operations, part of which Stapleton said involves "doubled-up efforts to better tap into the under-21 crowd."

"At a time when the economy appears to be slowing, the best way for us to build our business is to bolster underage and binge drinking," Stapleton said. "After all, some of our most loyal customers are dying off, and we need to replace them as quickly as possible."

The Gazelle Not Above Shameless Promotion, D. Editor Says

What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.

Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water resistant. Thanks to our low-cost production techniques, the cost to you is totally FREE!

How do I get one? Wow...you're serious. You actually want one? Well, email us a request and include as an attachment a picture of yourself riding a sheep. (Picture optional.) Be sure to include your mailing address, and we'll snail-mail you one of these collector's items within days.

Disclaimers:
* Limit 2 stickers per request, please.
* Your mailing address will be discarded as soon as the sticker is mailed (unless we get a really good offer in the near future from junk mail distributors).
* Offer not valid for residents of Rhode Island or Puerto Rico.
* Offer expires once we run out of stickers and/or young Amish children to make them.

DeWeese Urges Self To Step Down

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign.

"In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the right thing and relinquish my House seat, or at the very least, my leadership post," DeWeese (D-Greene) said. "I mean really. Who the hell am I trying to fool?"

Standing at a lectern, DeWeese laid out a case against his own plans to seek re-election. "A true leader does not unnecessarily put his troops directly in harm's way for purely political gain," the lawmaker said. Occasionally, he would pause to take a swig from a large jug of Gatorade and scarf down a few pork rinds, only to continue lambasting himself for what ended up being a 47-minute tirade.

In an interview after his floor speech, DeWeese said he thought he had made several good points, but ultimately brushed aside his own calls for his resignation. "I can not let this type of gibberish keep me from doing my job," he said.

Crooks Plan To Sneak In Your Back Door On National Night Out

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well.

"While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar who calls himself 'Hellboy.' "It's even better when they go out to one of those community events at a park, because then we're pretty much guaranteed to have the whole place to ourselves. Dumbasses."

Police acknowledge their efforts on National Night Out are focused on community outreach and not on patrols. "It's a chance for us to take a break from chasing bad guys for a night and not actually have to do any hard work," said Susquehanna Township Police Chief Robert Martin. He said his department plans to hold an event that will feature, among other activities, a public demonstration on how tasers work, using homeless men rounded up from nearby Harrisburg earlier in the day as targets.

York Police Commissioner Mark Whitman said his department will have costume characters on-hand offering free samples of certain street drugs, including cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine. "That's mostly for adults, though, as we'll steer children toward samples of the less-addictive substances, like marijuana," Whitman said.

Meantime, Camp Hill Borough Police plan to offer free child fingerprinting kits and a demonstration entitled "How Racial Profiling Makes Our Community Better."

Boscov's Forced To Lay Off That Old Lady With A Beehive Hairdo

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo.

The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such woman employed by Boscov's.

Chief Executive Officer Ken Lakin declined to comment on the rumors of multiple old women with beehive hairdos working for the company and on the firing, other than to say it was a "difficult personnel matter."

Deceased Man Remembered As Total Prick

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole.

"He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor.

"He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted around me all the time," reflects Esther Ruthbaum, Ralph's widow. "He also left the toilet seat up a lot."

"I hated him because he gave out grocery store coupons each year for Halloween," said 10-year-old neighbor Justin Pratt. "What a dick."

Others recalled Ruthbaum as someone who would regularly borrow tools and other items without giving them back and as a neighbor who would call the police on even the most civilized of neighborhood parties.

There are no memorial or burial services planned, his wife said. "I doubt anyone would show up."

Indicted Former Rep. Veon Really Digs Powder Blue

(HARRISBURG) - Former state Rep. Mike Veon (D-Totally Screwed) showed up for his arraignment on Thursday wearing an ensemble in which powder blue was the predominant color.

His powder blue tie perfectly matched the stripes in his shirt, and although his pants had a slightly gray-ish blue hue, they served to round out his ensemble nicely.

Through his attorney Robert Del Greco Jr., Veon expressed that his clothing choice was a reflection of his "affinity for the entire blue family of color, but especially powder blue." When asked why his client wore such dark shoes with such a light-colored ensemble, Veon's lawyer responded with a terse "No comment."

"I think he made the right decision," said Stacy London, host of What Not To Wear on TLC. "If you're going to be handcuffed, it's a good idea to keep the tie simple. Without your hands free, there's no chance of obscuring the tie in any way whatsoever, so it's just kind of out there, meaning that any design can easily come across as overpowering."

"His only mistake was that striped shirt," said Clinton Kelly, London's cohost. "Thin stripes can create an undesirable effect with TV cameras. But who knows? Maybe that's what he was after."

Bond Picks Up AM Drive Shift On KLINK 104

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail.

Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104.

Bond's co-hosts include his 20-year-old cellmate, who has the distinction of becoming the second young man upon whom Bond has bestowed the name "Stretch," and another male inmate who wears excessive makeup and answers to the name "Bubbles."

While Bond has reportedly been able to maintain a sizable audience, authorities said the suicide rate at the prison has quadrupled since he took to the airwaves. "If you've heard him on the air, you probably realize that's no coincidence," said John Theobald, the superintendent at the jail.

Bond chose to be incarcerated at Rikers Island due to its reputation for gratuitous strip-searches and senseless beatings, said his attorney, Patrick Michael Megaro.

Rising Gas Prices Affect Hummer Sales

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase.

"Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street.

For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is being seen in the type of hummer being purchased. "Some clients who had always bought the full-blown H1 types are now settling for H2- or H3-level hummers in an attempt to save money by accumulating less billable time," said call girl Sharisse Lovesponge, who is often seen working the streets of Midtown Harrisburg.

Letters To D. Editor

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes.
N.B.

Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside from cigarettes. Topping that list are carbon emissions, any of a number of invasive species, and Ann Coulter.

Do you think [Harrisburg Mayor] Stephen Reed will obey the state's new smoking ban?
S.A.

To some extent, yes. I fully expect Reed to stop smoking cigarettes in his office. However, I wouldn't be surprised to hear of him taking the occasional puff from that hookah -- you know, the one made from the hollowed-out skull of former mayoral spokesman Randy King.

Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

"We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action before the budget," he added, including legislation that would prevent lesbians from buying liquor at state-run Wine and Spirit Shoppes on Tuesdays.

Governor Ed Rendell responded angrily to the news and chided lawmakers for "setting expectations even lower than I do." Rendell then proceeded to furlough Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll "until further notice."

A woman who answered the phone at Knoll's residence said the lieutenant governor was "making dandelion stew and frolicking with gypsies" and was therefore unavailable for comment.

Purchase Of Mini Cooper Turns Steelton Man Gay

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper.

Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of watching the Eastern Conference finals, Dan was watching 'Dancing With the Stars' and playing with his nipples."

Harry Shelton, the salesman at the Carlisle dealership that sold Maddox the car, said the Steelton man was presented with a written disclaimer that outlined studies regarding the model's tendency to cause shifts in sexual preferences. "It's standard. It's not like we didn't warn him."

Catholic Diocese Inks Deal With Cheez-Its Maker

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese.

Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration.

Among the deciding factors for Bishop Kevin Rhoades was said to be the opportunity to use jalapeno-flavored Cheez-Its as a penance for confession.

Rhoades was also said to be somewhat offended at one line in Nabisco's proposal that read, "Everything tastes better sitting on the body of Christ."

The deal comes less than a year after the Diocese entered into a contract with Sutter Home that made Cabernet Sauvignon "the official sacramental wine" of the region's parishes.

PA's Key Honkey Demographics Side With Clinton

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day.

Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies.

"We knew the sister-lovin' sheep-fuckin' crowd would break for Hillary," said G. Terry Madonna, professor of public affairs at Franklin & Marshall College. "It should also come as little surprise that anyone who's cracked a book at some point in their lives is all about Obama."

Oops, Poll Worker Just Crapped His Pants

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants.

Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler.

Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks to her husband. She was contacted by Judith Crabtree, the local precinct captain.

"This type of thing actually happens more often at polling places than you might think," said Crabtree.

Beers and Spears

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war in Iraq only go so far in influencing voting booth choices.

SPEARS...to all of the political candidates -- both Democrat and Republican -- who are choosing to clutter up the ballot by launching races for state House and state Senate. Each and every one of them risks detracting much-needed media-overattention from the presidential race. Apparently, you were out sick the day they taught political etiquette in school -- namely the part about quietly standing on the sidelines while Democracy runs its course in much bigger, more important races. I mean, does the General Assembly even do anything any more? I thought that vote to rescind their pay raises a couple years ago was essentially a vote to disband.

BEERS...to former Cumberland County Commissioner Bruce Barclay for his four years of public service. From the looks of the court papers, Mr. Barclay appears to be poised for a stellar career in the video production business -- even if those aspirations of being a Boy Scout troop leader have suddenly become a bit less attainable. If only commissioner posts were like the Catholic priesthood, Barclay would just be reassigned to another county.

Obama To Address Klan Rally In York County

(HANOVER) - Presidential candidate and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama will transform a Ku Klux Klan rally planned here for Monday into a "Rally For Change."

A campaign official said it is part of Obama's larger goal of winning over some of the county's high concentration of white supremacist voters. "If we're going to win over Central Pennsylvania, we're going to need a good chunk of the hate vote," said campaign spokesman Sean Smith.

Several racists said they are looking forward to the senator's visit. "While I never imagined I'd want to vote for a black man, I'm very intrigued by his promise to bring about change," said Glenn Herdall, president of York County's White United Party. Herdall said he and local Klan leaders plan to "roll out the white carpet" for Obama's appearance.

Recent polls show Hillary Clinton leading Barack Obama by 97 percentage points among self-identified white supremacists in the midstate.

Letters To D. Editor

I'm hoping there have been no posts to your site because you are vacationing somewhere warm. If not and your mind has been erased, well that's a bummer. I miss your biting humor!
S.S.

Are you terminally ill? If not, I need my monthly fix of outrageous Harrisburg satire. Otherwise, so sorry!
P.M.

I feel you deserve an explanation in the form of the truth, so here is what caused my hiatus:
One day, in much the same fashion as a lunar eclipse, a cacophony of shitty news and happenings simply got to me. Hillary Rodham Clinton and Barack Obama were kissing unbelievable amounts of ass in our region, the General Assembly was holding caucuses every day just so they could play that little paper football game we all played in study hall, and I lost a lot of money betting on four 16-over-1 upsets that never formulated in the NCAA college basketball tournament. Consequently, I decided to do what any reasonable person would have done: I shoved a fork in my ear. Well, that sucker went in far enough to do some pretty serious damage. So now, my ear rings constantly, I have a heavy speech impediment, and I piss my pants every time the doorbell rings. But the part of my brain that lets me write this silly publication is still intact, so the show must and will go on. Thank you for your patience in my lengthy absence.

Sincerely,
D. Editor