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Tuesday, March 6, 2007

Gus The Groundhog Takes Punxsutawney Phil Hostage, Releases List Of Demands

(PUNXSUTAWNEY) - Indicating he was "sick and tired of playing second fiddle," the spokes-animal for the Pennsylvania Lottery's instant games removed his slumbering, prognosticating peer Punxsutawney Phil from his burrow at gunpoint today and took him hostage.

"Enough of this second-most famous groundhog in Pennsylvania shit," Gus the Groundhog told State Police negotiators by cell phone. "Effective immediately, I want top billing. Let this old, dried-out weasel wear the number-two hat for a while and see how he feels."

The incident was highly unexpected, having occurred at a time when both groundhogs were thought to have been hibernating.

Lottery Executive Director Ed Mahlman said police were keeping him abreast of developments. He added, "I'd like to extend my sympathies to Phil's family and assure them that we're doing everything within our powers to talk Gus down. I'd also like to remind folks that Wednesday's Powerball jackpot is up to $120 million, and Friday's Match 6 is well over the $6 million mark."