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Sunday, February 25, 2007

PA's Weather Threat Level Elevated; State Officials Ask People To Start Panicking

(HARRISBURG) - The Commonwealth's new Weather Threat Alert System, which grew out of the state's bungled response to the Valentine's Day snow and ice storm, has been activated and set at Level Orange -- or "Pretty Serious Shit."

That's because of the storm that threatens to wallop the midstate with an inch or so of snow, followed by a thin coating of ice.

"Obviously, this weather system has the ability to bring the entire state to its knees all over again," Pennsylvania Emergency Management Agency Director James Joseph said. He used the occasion to remind the public about what the different levels of the new alert system mean:

GREEN: NO PROBLEMO, AMIGO: No wintry weather expected. No need to run to the grocery store. But should you spot any flurries, remain vigilant.
BLUE: HUMPH, THIS COULD SUCK: There's a chance of wintry weather later this week, so pick up a loaf of bread and a gallon of milk when you get a chance. Engage in talk with neighbors about how much you're all looking forward to spring.
YELLOW: OH JESUS: A winter weather advisory or winter storm watch has been issued, so pick up at least two loafs of bread, two dozen eggs and one gallon of milk, and learn how to make french toast.
ORANGE: PRETTY SERIOUS SHIT: A winter storm warning has been issued, so it's of the utmost importance that you stock up on at least two weeks' worth of essential provisions, including food, cleaning products and pornographic magazines. If your neighbor has a snowblower, steal it.
RED: THE STATE WILL PROBABLY DROP THE BALL AGAIN: Buy everything that you possibly can at the grocery store. Build a Cold War-era-style bomb shelter in your basement. If you plan to travel on Interstate 78, carry at least four days worth of food, a portable heater and a makeshift toilet.