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Sunday, July 29, 2007

Man Attends PrideFest 'Just For The Food'

(HARRISBURG) - Jim Strayer of Lemoyne attended the Pride Festival of Central Pennsylvania this weekend, but only because he really likes the food, he said.

"It's all about the kabobs and the funnel cakes," Strayer said. "I really like the fresh-squeezed lemonade, too. But I'm not into dudes or anything, so I'm not really here for the gay stuff."

Strayer was among thousands who decended on Harrisburg's Riverfront Park for yesterday's festivities.

"My wife knows I'm here," Strayer said. "And before you ask, I'm simply wearing these pink shorts and stiletto heels on a dare."

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

Gray Checks Into Rehab For Goofy Bowtie Addiction

(LANCASTER) - Mayor Rick Gray checked himself into a rehabilitation center for what one aide called his "uncontrollable propensity to wear tacky bowties every blessed day."

"My wife and some other folks had an intervention with me the other day," Gray said as he exited City Hall this morning. "They showed me that I really need to get this bowtie thing under control. I mean, I don't even own any normal neckties at the present time."

Gray's decision comes just days after Lancaster City Councilman Nelson Polite publicly questioned the mayor's ability to both wear bowties and crack down on gun crimes. "It strikes me as an either-or proposition," Polite said.

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

Harrisburg Imposes Robbery Tax

(HARRISBURG) - Calling it the latest in a series of innovative revenue initiatives, Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today approved a new ordinance taxing all proceeds on robberies and muggings.

"From this point forward, all perpetrators are on the honor system to submit 4 percent of all funds they garner through illicit means to the city of Harrisburg," announced Reed. He noted half of the levy will be deposited into the city's general fund while the remainder will go toward the Harrisburg Authority which will use the money to fund repairs on what he described as the city's "totally fucked" incinerator.

"This is a prime time for those of you who've considered robbing a business or mugging some individuals to act on those aspirations," Reed said. "But please, stop short of violent crime. Remember, drawing blood brings no money into the city's coffers."

The mayor estimated that a 50 percent compliance rate among thieves would bring in "a six-figure sum" in the first year of the tax.

Reed also released copies of Harrisburg Police Department records showing crime patterns that he said revealed which portions of the city are most profitable for various types of heists.

Sunday, July 15, 2007

Man Taken Aback By Hot Coworker's Flatulence

(LEBANON) - Wal-Mart clerk Rodney Esbenshade said he had lost what at one time were feelings of "animal lust" for coworker Ashley Collins after hearing her fart today.

"She was stocking shelves when she bent down to grab a few more cans of Alpo Prime Slices in Gravy [dog food] and that's when she let one fly," said Esbenshade. "She must have thought no one was within earshot, but I just happened to be walking by the aisle at the time."

"She's a real knockout -- except for the flatulence thing," Esbenshade added.

When reached at home by the Gazelle, Collins had no comment other than to say she would never date Esbenshade anyways.

"Her gas issues really mess up the whole fantasy thing," Esbenshade added. "I have a feeling I'll be into her again someday, maybe even tomorrow. Just not today."

Thursday, July 12, 2007

Law Moves Up Pennsylvania's Presidential Primary To Tomorrow

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to increase Pennsylvania's relevance in the presidential race, the General Assembly today passed a measure that moves the commonwealth's primary up from next April to tomorrow.

Gov. Ed Rendell added his signature to the legislation moments after it was approved by lawmakers. "While we realize it's short notice, we shouldn't have trouble finding old people to work the polls," he said. "It's not like they have anything else to do, other than play the slots."

The new law means Pennsylvania's presidential primary will happen behind those of just 21 other states, all of which decided to hold their contests earlier this week after catching word of the commonwealth's plans.

Letters To D. Editor

[In response to "Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll" of 6/18/07]
That's got to be a sight! I imagine the security forces at the Gap can't wait for the swim season to begin. Knoll in her thong bikini at the pool -- covered with caterpillars.
I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

WonderCum was developed by a group of committed professionals focused entirely on the enhancement and improvement of sexual function and enjoyment for men. A large, volumous explosion and Intense orgasm is an experience like no other and it is very satisfying for both partners (especially for the man).
Thank you, E., for the tip which I assure you I will take under advisement the next time my woman expresses a desire for me to blow a hole out the other side of her.

What I like about your blog is that it's so educational. In taking the poll [on what should be included in the state budget], I had to look up the definition of "fluffer." You should be qualifying for federal grants and stuff. Your blog continues to rock.
Thanks for the kind words. Do they offer grants to pay for fluffers? If so, count me in.

Friday, July 6, 2007

State Hookers Among Employees Facing Furlough

(HARRISBURG) - Hookers on the commonwealth's payroll said they plan to work overtime and turn as many tricks as possible this weekend in anticipation of a partial government shutdown.

The Rendell administration has declared the prostitutes to be non-essential state personnel, meaning some 200 ladies of the night could be laid off come Monday morning if a budget agreement is not reached.

"But in the meantime, we're going to be some busy beavers," said Black Velvet, director of the Bureau of Pimps and Hookers within the Department of Genital Services. "As the clock continues ticking, our girls will be doing some serious dicking."

"Ironically, they'll be getting rid of us when we're needed most," Velvet said. "Lawmakers are our best customers. Especially that Philadelphia delegation. Man, are they ever a horny bunch."

However, some reform-minded activists said the prostitutes might be at least partially to blame for the budget impasse.

"Maybe the lawmakers will actually get some work done if the hookers take some time off," surmised Russ Diamond, a well-known Harrisburg-area curmudgeon.

Thursday, July 5, 2007

Hample Stepping Down To Spend More Time With Her Money

(HARRISBURG) - State System of Higher Education Chancellor Judy Hample said her recent decision to resign her post is rooted in a desire to spend more time spending money.

"Here I've been making approximately $3,466,101,012 a year, yet I haven't been taking the time to spend it," Hample said. "Well, that's about to change."

"I also wanted to give my underlings plenty of time to plan my going-away party," the outgoing chancellor said. "It will most likely take the form of a lavish gala at which I will make [system board president] Ken Jarin wear a bondage harness and allow me to ride him around the room."

In her spare time, Hample plans to maintain her contract work as Smiley, the Hatfield Quality Meats mascot.