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Friday, April 27, 2007

Rendell: I've Broken 140 Separate Laws In My Time As Governor

(HARRISBURG) - In response to a Freedom of Information Act request from the Gazelle, Governor Ed Rendell today released a list of local, state and federal laws he has broken during his time in office. The 317-page document seemed to indicate that the governor's recent admissions about speeding were just the tip of the iceberg.

Included in the list are several traffic violations Rendell has committed through orders to his state trooper escort, including failure to yield to pedestrians, tailgating and a litany of aggressive driving-related offenses.

In addition, Rendell said he once urinated from the top of the reserved section bleachers at a Harrisburg Senators game. "I should note that I was high as a kite at the time, so I guess that's another one," he wrote.

The governor said he has only committed one capital offense to date. "I murdered a hobo with my bare hands. But I assure you that he had it coming."

Among the lesser offenses Rendell has committed: wiping boogers under the rear passenger seat in several state-issued vehicles, stealing numerous beer mugs from Zembie's and ripping the tags off of various articles of furniture in the Governor's Mansion.

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Perzel Promoted To Master Milker

(MOUNT JOY) - Three months after starting a job as a cow-milker on a farm in rural Lancaster County, state Representative John Perzel (R-Philadelphia) has landed a key promotion.

Placid Meadows Farm outside Mount Joy has named Perzel a "master milker," a move that will result in a raise from his starting farm union pay of $55,000.

"The amount of milk he's able to glean from each cow is simply amazing," said farmer Eli Stoltzfus, Perzel's boss. "And his teat technique is exemplary. When it comes to that motion, he's a real natural, for some reason."

The former House speaker decided to moonlight as a cow-milker in order to supplement what he calls the "meager" salary he receives as a lawmaker. Compensation for his farm job is expected to reach a salary of just over $61,500 this year, along with per diems worth another $5,750.

As Perzel pointed out during the legislative pay raise debate of 2005, cow-milkers are paid generously in Lancaster County, coming in behind only taxi drivers and sewage sludge technicians. Doctors and lawyers round out the top five.

Monday, April 23, 2007

Neighbors Recall Parking Ticket Scofflaw As Quiet Loner

(ETTERS) - Neighbors of Randy Geller, who was arrested over the weekend on warrants for 723 outstanding parking tickets across five municipalities, said the Etters man has always been shy and reserved.

"He wasn't a troublemaker if that's what you're asking," said Howard Ralston, who lives next door to Geller. "He just isn't the kind of guy you'd expect to do this sort of thing."

"Randy didn't go around bitching about parking meters or anything," said Judith Riviera, who owns the house across the street. She added Geller mostly kept to himself and "was very much a loner."

"It just goes to show that if someone like this was living here, his type could be living anywhere," said Ralston.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

PHEAA Unveils New Name And Logo

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to rebuild its image, the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency, or PHEAA, has adopted the new name of Pennsylvania Helping University-bound and College-bound Kids, or PHUCK.

"We feel the new moniker better reflects what we do on a daily basis," said PHUCK Chief Dick Willey.

He added the switch also reflects a transition toward a more accountable and transparent spending process, vowing to "keep tight reins on all PHUCK money."

"Bottom line," Willey said, "is that we want students to know they have options. That's why we're here to remind them that if they can't afford it, they can always PHUCK it."

As the agency launched its new image, officials also used the occasion to unveil a new website or "information network,"

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Neighborhood Curmudgeon Wishes Rain Was Snow

(HALIFAX) - Mabel Higgenbottom, known to her neighbors on South Union Street in Halifax as a generally cantankerous woman, said today she wishes the rain that has been pummeling the midstate since Saturday night was snow.

The 86-year-old lifelong borough resident said she was "pleased as punch" when original predictions pegged this weekend's storm as a Nor'easter that could dump as much as a foot of snow. "But when it was downgraded, it was a real pisser," she added.

"It's more fun when it snows," Higgenbottom said. "For instance, during the big Valentine's Day storm, I was watching out my window as my neighbor fell and broke his ankle," she chuckled. "It made my day -- hell, my week."

"Then there was that time someone's car got stuck outside my house and the poor bastard was left twisting in the wind for at least an hour before help came. Good times, indeed," she said.

Higgenbottom said her therapist recently put her on medication to curb a condition he diagnosed as "chronic schadenfreude."

Wednesday, April 11, 2007

PennDOT Chief "Flummoxed" At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test

(HARRISBURG) - After bragging to friends and coworkers for more than two months that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith's baby, PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler is expressing disappointment upon hearing that he apparently did not.

It was announced this week that the late model's now-seven-month-old daughter was fathered by photographer Larry Birkhead.

"Wow, color me flummoxed," said Biehler, who announced at a state Senate hearing in February that he had sexual relations with the model in early 2005. "We crossed paths at a hotel in Las Vegas during a trade convention. She said she dug dudes in transportation," he explained.

Biehler said the tryst didn't last long. "It was her drug habit that eventually drove us apart. Anything beyond a little weed, count me out."

Biehler said he left a message for Birkhead to ask if he could visit with the baby, but the biological father has yet to return his call.

The secretary said he does not plan to challenge the findings of the paternity test. "Submitting a sample was fun, though," he said. "I wouldn't mind doing it again sometime."

Sunday, April 8, 2007

Easter Bunny Latest Casualty Of Hershey Restructuring

(CAMP HILL) - Hershey Company Chairman and CEO Rick Lenny personally fired the Easter Bunny last night, immediately following the rabbit's final shift of the season at the Capital City Mall.

"We made the tough decision to cut Mr. Bunny as we hop forward with our comprehensive strategic agenda focused on increasing our marketplace leadership and developing a global footprint for our iconic brands," Lenny said in a prepared statement.

"I feel blindsided," said the Bunny. "It's already hard enough to make ends meet when you only work one month out of the year."

Lenny's statement also said the Bunny would receive "a generous severance package," consisting of one bag of carrots for each month of service.

The Bunny seemed less than impressed with the deal. "Needless to say, there will be no eggs for that douchebag this year," the rabbit said.

A Hershey Company spokesman declined to comment on rumors that a Mexican Easter Bunny would be brought in as a replacement.

Several business analysts said they expect the Easter Bunny will find gainful employment soon with another candymaker, with much speculation focusing on Cadbury Schweppes.

Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Letters To D. Editor

Every now and then, I like to pause to answer a few reader inquiries. Okay, so this is the first time, but if you keep emailing, we'll turn this into a regular feature.

[In response to "Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate" 4/1/07]
Perry County Lady
Ma'am, you have no idea how hard I struggled to keep Perry County out of that article. But in the end, it all came down to four words: Fish In A Barrel.

[Also in response to "Redneck Cluster" article of 4/1/07]
I'm glad you chose April 1st to post the most realistic entry on your blog. But, frankly, you should have left the town's name as a fill-in-the-blank that would accept any town in Central PA (except Camp Hill, of course)!

Of course. After all, when I think "hotbed of diversity," I think Camp Hill.

Thank you for this outstanding public service you're providing. You don't have any idea how badly I, and all of us, need a good laugh, and you're providing it.
That's very kind of you. I appreciate your remark, as well as others like it. The midstate's blog community and its readers are awesome and encouraging, and are making this venture a ton of fun.
Okay, enough of my soft underbelly. Back to being a sarcastic asshole.

This is seriously good writing. And seriously funny writing. I live in the same area, and I thought I knew all the good local writers. Who are you? Do I know you? Oh, PLEEEAAZE (please, please, please) tell me.
Fair enough. I'm PHEAA President and CEO Dick Willey, and this is what I do in my spare time. Okay, not really. If I was Dick Willey, I'd be too busy giggling at my own name (or booking my next student-funded vacation) to write a blog.

Good God you’re funny. Damn. Will you marry me? My husband won't mind.

I like a woman who isn't afraid to swear. And now that Anna Nicole is dead, you're next on my list.

Have I told you lately that I love you? Enable comments, and I will stop stalking you. :-)
J.P. (again)

The thought of allowing comments scares me, and you've helped to demonstrate why. But if you send me a dirty picture of yourself, I might reconsider.

Sunday, April 1, 2007

Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate

(JONESTOWN) - Three state agencies have agreed to look into reports of a potential redneck cluster in Union Township, Lebanon County.

The action comes after an eight-month investigation by the Central PA Gazelle. It involved interviews with rednecks and non-rednecks alike, demographic observations at local bingo halls and an independent review of dental records, which showed the average township resident has 7.66 teeth.

PennDOT officials plan to examine vehicle registration records to see if the township's pickup truck ownership rate is disproportional. Also, the department's inspectors will go door to door, logging any red flags such as curtains in vans and vehicles placed up on blocks in front yards.

For its part, the PLCB will audit sales records from beer distributors in Union Township and compare the rate of Budweiser purchases with state and national benchmarks.

State Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff said his department will dispatch workers to the township to "try to get a handle on how many sheep there walk funny."

Union Township officials are downplaying the investigation. Supervisor Clint Carmichael said, "They're trying to make us out to be Perry County or sumthin'. My wife -- who's also my aunt -- and I resent that."