Linda Thompson Dresses As Linda Thompson For Halloween

(HARRISBURG) - City Council President and Democratic mayoral candidate Linda Thompson dressed as herself this Halloween, instilling fright in young and old alike throughout the city of Harrisburg.

At first, many residents offered Thompson candy when she appeared on their doorstep, only to have the mayoral candidate explain that her visit was related to campaigning and not trick-or-treating.

Thompson was not the only Linda Thompson running around the streets of Harrisburg for the fright-filled holiday. Stores throughout the city reported running out of Thompson costumes earlier this week, with many offering a free broomstick with every such purchase.

"This was the first year that the [Linda] Thompson costumes even sold better than the 'Slutty Patty Kim' costumes," said Charlotte Beemyer, owner of All About Costumes on State Street. "We've still got plenty of Nevin Mindlin left, though."

"There was a time when Freddy Krueger scared the hell out of people," Beemyer said. "Nowadays, the thought of Linda Thompson as mayor does the trick."

Intercourse Lands 2016 Olympics

(INTERCOURSE) - The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2016 Olympics will take place in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Key to its decision, said the IOC, was the Lancaster County community's rural setting and the slogan submitted by Mayor Levi Stoltzfus: "Intercourse 2016: The World Is Coming."

In his passionate appeal to the IOC at its meeting in Denmark, Stoltzfus conceded that his mostly Amish village of roughly 1,000 people has no athletic facilities and that until last year, he had never heard of the Olympics. He followed up with a promise to hold a series of "stadium-raisings" in late 2015 to prepare, and that -- along with a detailed explanation of Amish workmanship -- seemed to satisfy the international panel.

The games will mark the first time that coed naked rakefighting will be sanctioned as an official Olympic sport.

A Message From D. Editor

Dear Readers:

After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in service, and be assured that ridiculousness shall indeed resume.

Humbly yours,
D. Editor

Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

• accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
• eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
• downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
• cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.

TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident's 30th Anniversary

(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant.

"We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the 28th, we'll arrange it so that a sleeping guard somehow hits a bunch of switches and causes at least one water pump -- and maybe several -- to malfunction. The result should be radioactive water that seeps into several areas of the plant and into the Susquehanna River."

Residents will be encouraged to line the banks of the river to watch the event. "They won't see much, but those standing downwind of the radiation cloud should feel a flash of uncomfortable heat when it passes over them," DeSantis said.

"In order to add to the effect," DeSantis said, "TMI workers will run around with glow-in-the-dark paint on their faces, screaming their heads off."

"It's sure to be an event for the whole family. But then, you're going to want to get the hell away," DeSantis said.

Beers & Spears

SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St. Patty's Day.)

BEERS to Sandi Vito. Because I hear she likes her beer. (Then again, everyone at L&I apparently does.)

SPEARS to Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed for luring all of us into buying those simply adorable bobblehead dolls bearing his likeness, only to later pull the plug on the Sports Hall of Fame idea. So now what's all of that money going to be used for? Wild West artifacts?

More BEERS to Sandi Vito...because even after the last ones, she's still walking upright. Dang, that chick can hold her booze.

Letters To D. Editor

Love the site. So, are you guys going to do something about the giveaway of Riverfront park and those hideous Capital Blue Cross signs?
C.D.

We were going to take on this story -- that is, until we were approached by Capital Blue Cross with $50,000 in hush money. That made us realize all of the tremendous things that this fabulous non-profit is doing in our community each and every day.

I'm worried that cutbacks in the newspaper industry are affecting the Gazelle. Are they? What can you say to put my mind at ease?
H.M.

I'm afraid that we did recently have to eliminate several positions on our editorial staff. They include Chief Hairstylist, Assistant Fluffer and Executive Vice President of Bullshit. We hope that these layoffs will be only temporary, since each of the positions -- especially the fluffer -- is important to our operation.

Is it just me, or does hearing the words "federal stimulus" make one thing of his penis?
G.P.

Yes, every goddamn time. And tragically, that's only going to make the economy worse.

Ag Secretary Tragically Euthanized At Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.

According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell.

"What veterinarians initially thought was a hairline crack in the Secretary's femur in fact proved to be much more serious and beyond repair," the statement said. Wolff was euthanized at 6:52 p.m. via a poison dart delivered to his left buttock.

Wolff was 92.

Reed Deputizes Bobblehead Version Of Self

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.

Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also appointed the bobblehead to serve as the on-scene spokesman at all major crime and fire calls in the city.

The mayor emphasized that taxpayer money was not used to purchase the $75 doll, but rather funds from the Harrisburg Authority. Reed spoke of a little-known clause in authority bylaw 7(a)(c) part 5, which allows for "expenditures on bobblehead dolls, either for use as city officials or for mass purchase so as to prepare for an eventual National Bobblehead Museum."

City Council President Linda Thompson said she intended to introduce herself to the new deputy mayor and invite him to lunch in the near future. "I have a feeling he's going to give me a lot less grief than his boss," Thompson said.