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Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:
  • accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
  • eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
  • downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
  • cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.
We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.