Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

• accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
• eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
• downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
• cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.