Zahorchak Achieves 'Adequate Yearly Progress' In The Sack

(HARRISBURG) - The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago.

"Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to start jumping up and down, singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy,'" said Betty Zahorchak. "But Gerald has shown a proper level of attentiveness to performance targets related to my sexual gratification."

Betty Zahorchak's review of her husband's sexual prowess was released to the media in the form of a 237-page document that includes extensive charts and graphs.

"I'm happy to announce today that Gerald is indeed making Adequate Yearly Progress as part of my effort to convert him into a true love stud by 2014," Betty Zahorchak said. "As of this year, he leaves me satisfied, on average, seven out of ten times."

"There are areas where my little Gerry can improve," she said. "But he knows where they are."

The education secretary was put on probation by his wife in 2004 -- a move that could have led to sanctions including limited television viewing time -- but he was able to pull his scores up the following year.

PHEAA Chief: Loans Cut From Budget

(HARRISBURG) - The head of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today conceded that PHEAA actually stopped awarding college loans three years ago.

"With regular retreats, bonuses and all to worry about, loaning money to students in need just became too much of a distraction," said President and Chief Executive Officer Dick Willey. "However, we haven't ruled out the possibility of starting to award loans again in the future."

Rep. Bill Adolph (R-Delaware), who chairs the agency's board, says retaining top executives is PHEAA's key focus right now. "We need to concentrate on paying their six-figure salaries for the time being," he said. "Otherwise, we might lose them to somewhere like Sallie Mae, and then where would we be? We need to stay true to our mission of allowing these upstanding white men to keep their jobs."

Adolph noted that PHEAA board retreats have become less lavish in recent months since coming under public scrutiny. "There's been some belt-tightening. For example, we go with the Asian whores over the Swedish whores because they work cheaper," he said.

Muggers Make Off With TV Meteorologist's Lips

(LANCASTER) - Perpetrators approached WGAL-TV Meteorologist Matt Ritter in a city alley over the weekend and robbed him of his lips, police said.

"It's one of the more unusual crimes we've seen lately," said Sgt. Bill Gleason. "It ranks right up there with the guy in a [commissioner] Dick Shellenberger mask who holds up pharmacies, stealing their entire supply of KY Jelly. At least we think it's a mask, anyway."

"Matt didn't really have very supple lips to begin with," said WGAL News Director Dan O'Donnell. "We hired him with the realization that most people would see past that, much like Dr. John Scala's hair."

Anyone who witnessed Saturday night's robbery or may know anything regarding the whereabouts of Ritter's lips is asked to call police.

'The Spot' To Remain Open, Add Marijuana To Menu

(HARRISBURG) - In a reversal of last week's stunning announcement that they would close up shop, the owners of The Spot said today they will keep the establishment open as The Pot Spot.

"The new name reflects the addition of marijuana to the menu," explained owner Billy Kaldes. "Now, folks can line up for some pot, then come back 30 to 60 minutes later when the munchies set in and get their fill of hot dogs, hamburgers and other good, greasy stoner food."

Kaldes said the rest of the menu will remain the same as in the past, except for the addition of Doritos.

"This is by far one of the most convoluted supply-demand models I've ever heard of," said Jack Gurkin, a professor of marketing at Penn State Harrisburg. "They're selling a product that, in turn, creates the need for more of their products. It's downright ingenious."

Will the pot be grilled, like everything else at The Pot Spot? "If people want it that way, sure, what the hell," Kaldes quipped.

(Many thanks to Jersey Mike for the photo!)

Murdoch Buys Central PA Gazelle

(UNDATED) - Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch has succeeded in his bid to take over the Central PA Gazelle.

Murdoch paid $15 for the publication, according to sources in the newsroom who asked not to be named due to shame and embarrassment resulting from their new-found relationship with Murdoch.

"On his first day, he came into the newsroom and made us put on lipstick and called us girly whores," one male staffer said. "That just shows how powerful he is."

Murdoch was asked why he targeted this particular publication. "It's clear that the Gazelle holds the same level of regard for truthful, accurate reporting as some of my other properties, such as Fox News," he replied.

"Our readers probably noticed a bit of a production slowdown in the last week or so," said D. Editor, managing editor of the Gazelle. "That was due largely to talks with Murdoch. Well, that and the fact we've all been looking for other jobs."