Asshole Sets Off Fireworks For Memorial Day

(DUNCANNON) - While most central Pennsylvanians spent Memorial Day pausing to reflect on those who died serving the United States, Bill "Sparky" Aumiller observed the occasion with a fireworks show launched off the deck of his home in this Perry County community.

This evening's 25-minute display featured mostly skyrockets, Roman candles and bottlerockets accented by frequent M-80 explosions.

"When you set aside the tackiness and tastlessness of his timing, it sure was some beautiful shit," said Aumiller's neighbor, Rustin Simmons. "Even the Vietnam vet in me, though a bit shaken at first, came to enjoy the show."

Aumiller's mother, Melba, said she was not surprised when her son's picnic took a sudden turn toward pyrotechnics. "You've gotta remember -- this is the same guy who set off a similar display at his uncle's funeral last year."

Commander Dennis Rickfultz of Duncannon American Legion Post 340 said he was unimpressed. "Every community has one asshole who thinks Memorial Day is the same as July 4th. In this town, that man is Sparky Aumiller."

PennDOT Crew Lays 12 Miles Of Cones For No Reason

(YORK SPRINGS) - A crew of 22 PennDOT workers that spent three hours laying traffic cones along a portion of Route 15 southbound on Friday have admitted they did so for no good reason.

"We're not performing road work there nor do we plan to," conceded crew spokesman Paul Gleason.

The cones, which effectively closed off the passing lane on a 12-mile portion of the highway in York and Adams counties, caused traffic delays during the busy Friday afternoon rush hour and on several occasions during the holiday weekend.

"We're sorry about that," Gleason said.

Gleason said he was not sure when the cones would be lifted and the lane reopened. "We're hoping to make some progress by noon on Thursday," he added.

Letters To D. Editor

Is the story about Rick Wagner raising alpacas and modeling underwear true? Or is this just a joke?
P.D.
Oh...my...God.

Why isn't there anything on how Wrightsville has to wait 12 minutes for an advanced life support unit when there is [sic] a few less than 10 minutes away?
L.B.
Because I haven't the foggiest notion regarding a) what you're talking about, or b) how the hell to make it funny. But if you throw in a midget, a can of shaving cream and some Neil Diamond records, we just might have something.

Where can I get Hershey's non-cramping chewable, chocolate laxatives?
A.M.
The company tells us the laxatives are the new "freebie" handout at the end of the Hershey's Chocolate World ride. They replace the Hershey's Pink Slip Suppositories, which didn't go over as well as the company had hoped.

Who are you?
W.P.
I am Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll and I'm not wearing any panties. (P.D. -- That's not really true.)

Voters Condemn Paxtang Woman To Death For Leaving Up Holiday Decorations

(PAXTANG) - Voters here approved a referendum in Tuesday's primary election that calls for Ida Mae Gallagher, 84, to die by lethal injection for failing to take down her Christmas decorations.

"She's left them up year-round for the past five years, and we just got sick of it," said neighbor Harold Webster. He gathered the 500 signatures required for the question to appear on Tuesday's ballot. It was approved 623-277.

District Attorney Ed Marsico said the referendum is legally binding. But he noted that neighbors "rarely use it to impose the death penalty on one another." He added, "It's a true example of democracy in action -- I guess."

"In my defense, they don't really look that bad," Gallagher said of her decorations, which include blue icicle lights that hang from her gutters and a replica of Santa's sleigh being pulled by 24 reindeer.

Gallagher said she may appeal the results of the referendum in Dauphin County Court. "I'm going to try to scrape the money together to pay an attorney. But if I can't, I guess I'm screwed."

Harrisburg Finishes Removing Snow From Valentine's Day Storm

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today announced that city plow crews have finished clearing snow left behind by the storm that brought the midstate to a standstill in mid-February.

"My administration has made good on its promise to have that wintry mix removed from our fine hamlet's esteemed passageways within 90 days," Reed said. "It was an especially dastardly task, but our road-clearing engineers rose to the occasion."

Rosemary Watson, who lives on Third Street in Midtown, was able to free her car from a mound of snow and ice on Monday. "I worked at it, little by little, for the past three months," she said.

Meantime, Governor Ed Rendell's office announced that state workers, who have been off work for the past 13 weeks due to the snow, should report at their normal times tomorrow.

Poll: Candidate Apathy Rate High For Upcoming Primary

(UNDATED) - A new poll indicates nearly half of the candidates that will appear on the ballot in Tuesday's municipal primary election do not care whether they win.

The Keystone Poll, conducted by researchers at Franklin & Marshall College, suggests 46 percent of those running "don't have strong feelings either way" regarding the outcome of the contests of which they are a part. A small number -- 6 percent -- are secretly hoping they will lose.

"These apathy numbers are high, even for an off-year election," said F&M political analyst G. Terry Madonna. "But then again, I gotta tell you, I don't think I'll be voting."

While some county commissioner races, such as those in Lancaster and York counties, have drawn a good deal of attention, most appear likely to generate less voter interest.

"I'm only running because my wife made me," said Monte Kemmler, a Republican commissioner candidate in Mifflin County. Meantime, in Adams County, Democratic commissioner hopeful Neil Clifford is actually not very hopeful about his chances. "When it comes down to it, I'm probably going to vote for a couple of my opponents."

Even Secretary of the Commonwealth Pedro Cortes seems less than enthused by this year's primary. His department has replaced it's "Ready, Set, Vote" campaign with one entitled "Ready, Set, Aw Fuck It."

"If you only want to vote in one election this year, wait until November," said Cortes.

Camp Hill Lifts Travel Ban To Harrisburg

(CAMP HILL) - Camp Hill Mayor Lou Thieblemont today signed a resolution lifting the 1982 ban that had prevented borough residents from traveling to Harrisburg.

Concurrently, Thieblemont trimmed back the hours during which the guard towers at all entrance points to Camp Hill will be staffed.

"I feel we're ready for these bold steps," said Thieblemont at a press conference at Cornerstone Coffeehouse. "However, please note that a midnight curfew will go into effect, meaning all borough residents must clear out of Harrisburg by that time. Remember, we're talking baby steps here, people. Baby steps."

The White Shore Chamber of Commerce voiced support for the resolution. "It's almost like we're going to be able to start doing business with another country," said President and CEO Ed Messner.

Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed said he was "eager to welcome that snooty bunch of wine-sipping elitists" back into his city.

Letters To D. Editor

I've been told that Nazareth resident and retired race car driver Mario Andretti has been approached by the State Police to become [Governor] Rendell's new driver. Have you heard that?
T.B.
The Gazelle has indeed confirmed that Andretti auditioned for the role of Rendell's driver. However, he flunked on two accounts: he didn't drive fast enough for the governor's tastes and Rendell's beer twice slipped off the dashboard -- a major no-no.

[In response to "PennDOT Chief 'Flummoxed' At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test" of 4/11/07]
Gee, I wonder how many people are now looking up the word "flummoxed"?? Thanks for the "word of the day."
S.E.
Interestingly, I had more folks email wondering if a "Birkhead" was a form of acne.

I love your blog. Its funny as hell. I don't know if you accept submissions from hacks...
D.B.
Thanks for the kind words. The most helpful submissions from readers so far have come in the form of unusual photographs with a midstate flavor. Not all have been printable (for instance, the one featuring Hershey CEO Rick Lenny, a sheep and a bondage harness), but some have sparked story ideas. And in such cases, I do give photo credit when it's due (if people let me).

Thank you! Good writing - funny and current! First time I visited your site reminded me of MAD magazine! Keep up the great work!
Bill S.
I'll pass your kudos along to Alfred E. Neuman, an Editor-At-Large of the Gazelle.

Fudd, Sam Join In Second Amendment Rally At Capitol

(HARRISBURG) - Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam have added their voices to the chorus speaking out against bills that would toughen Pennsylvania's gun laws.

The famed cartoon characters took part in a demonstration today at the state Capitol and voiced opposition to legislation that would limit gun purchases to one per month.

"That would be vewy, vewy bad," said Fudd. "How else would all you wednecks be able to kill wascally wabbits?"

"Give 'em hell," Sam shouted from the podium in a voice that some passers-by initially mistook for that of Representative Camille "Bud" George (D-Clearfield). "Don't let these lily-livered varmints take away your rights to buy as many guns as you want!"

Fudd and Sam, who have been life partners since a 2005 ceremony in Massachusetts, travel the country together, appearing at events to advocate for gun owners' rights.