Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

• accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
• eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
• downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
• cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.

TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident's 30th Anniversary

(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant.

"We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the 28th, we'll arrange it so that a sleeping guard somehow hits a bunch of switches and causes at least one water pump -- and maybe several -- to malfunction. The result should be radioactive water that seeps into several areas of the plant and into the Susquehanna River."

Residents will be encouraged to line the banks of the river to watch the event. "They won't see much, but those standing downwind of the radiation cloud should feel a flash of uncomfortable heat when it passes over them," DeSantis said.

"In order to add to the effect," DeSantis said, "TMI workers will run around with glow-in-the-dark paint on their faces, screaming their heads off."

"It's sure to be an event for the whole family. But then, you're going to want to get the hell away," DeSantis said.

Beers & Spears

SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St. Patty's Day.)

BEERS to Sandi Vito. Because I hear she likes her beer. (Then again, everyone at L&I apparently does.)

SPEARS to Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed for luring all of us into buying those simply adorable bobblehead dolls bearing his likeness, only to later pull the plug on the Sports Hall of Fame idea. So now what's all of that money going to be used for? Wild West artifacts?

More BEERS to Sandi Vito...because even after the last ones, she's still walking upright. Dang, that chick can hold her booze.