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Wednesday, January 30, 2008

Knoll And Roethlisberger Acknowledge Steamy Affair

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's mainly physical," Roethlisberger explained.

"They don't call him 'Big Ben' for nothing," Knoll quipped. At least two reporters present at the press conference were seen vomiting slightly in their mouths following that statement.

"We might be 52 years apart in age, but we're both still teenagers in the bedroom," Roethlisberger said.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Letters To D. Editor

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece.

First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "pointing out one of the downsides of the Internet." He goes on to say, "Anybody can put up tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material without having the guts to put one's name behind it." In response, Trout-meister, I would only assert that our article was a real spoof, not a fake one. Also, I commend you for having the guts to put your name behind your tacky, crude, classless and often inaccurate material. You're truly an inspiration to the next generation of cantankerous wordsmiths.

In a separate entry, The Trout bestows "cheers" upon Punxsutawney Phil for stopping by the newsroom. He expresses apparent disappointment at how Phil "was not allowing himself to be touched." What exactly did you have in mind, Mr. Troutman? Some quiet time with -- as you call him -- your "favorite Rodent-American?"

(Aside from Mr. Big Balls, thanks to the other folks at the Patriot who've given us a lot of nice press lately.)

Monday, January 14, 2008

Head Injury Causes Penbrook Man To Reverse Abortion Stance

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head.

"I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing."

Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a Harrisburg abortion clinic, causing him to fall to the ground, hit his head, and cry like -- ironically -- a baby. Doctors say the injury is likely the reason for his about-face on the abortion issue.

Upon arriving home from the hospital, Small took down the infamous pictures of aborted fetuses from his front yard and replaced them with signs with slogans including "Honk if you love abortion!" and "You've got abortion rights, so use 'em!"

"I feel girls and women of all ages need to be educated about abortion as a method of birth control," Small said.

Reed Declares State Of Emergency Due To Thompson Presidency

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president.

"This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said.

In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for you."

The mayor urged all residents to remain inside until the Thompson presidency passes, which is expected to take two years.

"If only they'd lure her onto 'Dancing With the Stars' again, we could get a much-needed reprieve from her for a few more months," Reed said.

Sunday, January 6, 2008

Sheep-To-Shawl Replaced By Horse-To-Glue At PA Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest.

"Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff.

Each team's first task will be to slaughter their horse on the spot. "The key will really be to get to that bone and connective tissue, which are the main components of glue, as quickly as possible," Wolff said.

While the event promises to be considerably more messy than its predecessor, Wolff said he remained convinced "that it will be even better family fun, both for participants and for spectators." He said bystanders will be provided with parkas to protect them from flying horse guts.

"Horse-To-Glue will be a chance for us to better incorporate Pennsylvanians' love for killing animals into this exhibition for all ages," Wolff said.

Previous attempts to replace Sheep-To-Shawl proved unpopular. They included the Kitten-To-Mitten and Bull-Penis-To-Keychain contests.