Lawmakers Strive For New Budget By End Of New Budget Year

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year.

"We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action before the budget," he added, including legislation that would prevent lesbians from buying liquor at state-run Wine and Spirit Shoppes on Tuesdays.

Governor Ed Rendell responded angrily to the news and chided lawmakers for "setting expectations even lower than I do." Rendell then proceeded to furlough Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll "until further notice."

A woman who answered the phone at Knoll's residence said the lieutenant governor was "making dandelion stew and frolicking with gypsies" and was therefore unavailable for comment.

Purchase Of Mini Cooper Turns Steelton Man Gay

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper.

Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of watching the Eastern Conference finals, Dan was watching 'Dancing With the Stars' and playing with his nipples."

Harry Shelton, the salesman at the Carlisle dealership that sold Maddox the car, said the Steelton man was presented with a written disclaimer that outlined studies regarding the model's tendency to cause shifts in sexual preferences. "It's standard. It's not like we didn't warn him."