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Sunday, October 28, 2007

Jesus To Ride Along In All PennDOT Plows This Winter

(HARRISBURG) - In preparation for the winter months, the entire fleet of vehicles used to plow snow from Pennsylvania roads has been outfitted with plastic dashboard Jesuses, PennDOT officials announced today.

Transportation Secretary Allen Biehler said his department purchased a total of 2,787 figurines of Christ to outfit its fleet of 2,250 dump trucks, 520 front-end loaders and 16 snow blowers. That includes one for Biehler's personal vehicle.

"From this point forward, I don't care if it rains or freezes, now that we've got a Plastic Jesus riding shotgun on every plow," Biehler told reporters.

"If this doesn't prevent another I-78 shitstorm, then nothing will," Biehler said.

When asked about whether the dashboard Jesus purchase amounts to state-sanctioned religious expression, Biehler said he was "pretty sure" that applies to "all religions other than Christianity."

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Colonoscopy Reveals Small Village In Santorum's Rectum

(Washington, D.C.) - A doctor who recently performed a colonoscopy on former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Wherever He's Pretending To Live Now, says the politician has a small village of indigenous people living in his ass.

The individuals appear to be a group of die-hard supporters who are "staunchly in denial" that Santorum lost his Senate seat, the former lawmaker's physician, Dr. Clint Jackhammer, said.

"Otherwise, once I figured out which end was which, the procedure went quite seamlessly," Jackhammer said. "He [Santorum] had that trademark grimace on his face the whole time, but he didn't complain too much. In fact, at one point, he asked me to do one particular maneuver over and over again. That was a little awkward."

"There is also some damage left up there from the reaming he took from Bob Casey last November," Jackhammer said. "But it ought to heal -- unless he attempts to run for office again."

Friday, October 5, 2007

Dick Willey To Pull Out Early

(There's no article, we just couldn't resist that headline.)

Wednesday, October 3, 2007

Bush Stages Surprise Tent Revival Before Lancaster Chamber Crowd

(LANCASTER) - With arms flailing and a Bible in-hand, President Bush today turned a planned appearance before some 400 business representatives in Lancaster County into a full-blown tent revival.

“I believe in the Lord! I buh-LIEVE,” the president proclaimed, running around the stage frantically with sweat dripping from his brow. “He will deliver us into salvation!”

A host of spiritual selections played by the Hempfield Area High School band served as a musical backdrop.

The message came as a bit of a surprise to members of the Lancaster Chamber of Commerce and Industry and the others in attendance, who were expecting to hear a status report on issues related to the federal budget and the economy.

"I would have liked to hear about the children's health insurance bill he vetoed, but this was pretty cool, too," said Judy Shaver, an audience member.

"JEE-sus Christ will come and saaave your shitty little town," Mr. Bush blurted, "if you simply ask him to do so."

At one point, Mr. Bush invited attendees to come forward, at which time he delivered a firm tap to the head to Chamber President Tom Baldrige, who fell backwards into the arms of two Secret Service agents.