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Saturday, June 30, 2007

Hershey Med Holds Nip/Tuck Camp

(HERSHEY) - It's not pumpkins that students ages 9 through 12 are carving at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center this week. The center's plastic surgery department is hosting the teens as part of its annual Nip/Tuck Camp.

Modeled after the popular medical drama series on television, the camp is designed to give students "a look at what really happens on a daily basis in the plastic surgery field," said Dr. Donald Mackay, a surgeon.

For instance, a course entitled Necrophilia 101 will focus on how to remove body parts from women and reassemble them so as to create "the ideal woman." Another class provides tips on how plastic surgeons arrange their schedules so as to allow enough time to have sex with as many patients as possible.

"Ninety percent of what we deal with is boobs," Mackay said. "Boobs, boobs, boobs. So you can bet there will be plenty of that this week for the kids."

The week will culminate with an appearance by actor Bruno Campos who will host a seminar entitled "Why Every Practice Needs a Carver."

Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Senate Moves To Ban Smoking After Sex

(HARRISBURG) - The state Senate today passed a bill that would make smoking after sex illegal.

Sen. Jeff Piccola (R-Dauphin) introduced an amendment exempting from prosecution anyone who lights up after having sex with himself or herself. It passed 50-0.

Another modification came from Sen. Jake Corman (R-Bumblefuck), who put forth a successful amendment exempting those who smoke following intercourse with farm animals.

Gov. Ed Rendell promised to veto the measure and called a press conference to chastise lawmakers. "I'll be damned if Midge and I are going to break our tradition of lighting up after every time we have booty," he said.

Saturday, June 23, 2007

Eat'n Park Carries On Schoolgirl Night Tradition

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - Less than two weeks after the Hooters restaurant on the Carlisle Pike ditched 'Schoolgirl Thursday' amid public outrage, the Eat'n Park restaurant on Limekiln Road outside New Cumberland has picked up the baton.

Starting this Thursday, June 28, the eatery will give a free Smiley Cookie to any woman who shows up dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl on Thursday nights.

Restaurant Manager Ben Hobblesmith said the promotion is "considerably less racy" than the 'Show Us Your Tits Tuesdays' the chain held last year, which involved female customers baring their breasts in exchange for a free slice of pie.

Monday, June 18, 2007

Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll

(HARRISBURG) - Wildlife officials fear the midstate is in the throws of one of its worst-ever invasions of gypsy moth caterpillars, as evidenced by the way the insects have attacked Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

"She's looking more overwhelmed than in previous seasons, but she should pull through," said Eric Naguski, who coordinates Dauphin County's gypsy moth suppression program.

Experts recommend wrapping petroleum jelly-covered duct tape at the bottom of a tree trunk to prevent the insects from invading. A spokeswoman for the lieutenant governor said officials will likely take such action with Knoll should her condition not improve in the next day or so.

As for next year, the spokeswoman said Knoll will be sprayed down with a semi-diluted insecticide prior to the caterpillars' prime breeding season -- likely sometime in March or April.

Friday, June 8, 2007

Reed Unveils Initiative Initiative

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today unveiled a major initiative that calls for at least 25 major initiatives to be unveiled before the end of the year.

"We have no idea what they're going to be yet," Reed said in a press conference in front of the National Civil War Museum, where crickets could be heard chirping in the background. "But for starters, we're probably talking some groundbreakings on housing and commercial complexes mixed in with a buttload of ribbon-cuttings, along with another university or two."

The mayor said most of the initiatives will "likely target either downtown, midtown or uptown Harrisburg. I plan to keep with my tradition of staying the hell out of Allison Hill."

Two of Reed's most outspoken critics, city Councilwoman Linda Thompson and professional hobo Jason Smith, immediately called a press conference to dismiss all of Reed's yet-to-be-announced initiatives as "unrealistic and generally stupid."

Confronted by reporters later in the afternoon at the scene of a fire, Reed promised to file a lawsuit to keep all of his critics occupied while he's busy pushing through his initiatives.

Tuesday, June 5, 2007

Bill Would Put Slot Machines In Funeral Homes

(HARRISBURG) - In his latest attempt to expand gaming in Pennsylvania, House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese (D-Greene) announced he's drafting a bill that would allow slot machines to be installed in funeral homes.

"Slots parlors and funeral parlors are a natural pairing," DeWeese said. "What we have here is the opportunity to build tax relief from people's grief."

The Democrat was quick to add that his measure will contain important stipulations. "For example, one provision will make it clear that all gambling must take place at least 50 feet from the nearest corpse."

DeWeese said the bill will also provide for free alcoholic beverages at funeral homes with slot machines. "Only they won't be served by chicks in little frilly skirts," he added.

Governor Ed Rendell said he will fully support the proposal. "People at a funeral or memorial service are at a gray point in their lives. But you put them in front of a slot machine and they're happy. They have fun. They see the bright lights. They hear music. They forget about the dead guy in the box and are instead filled with brightness and cheer."