Midstate Cities To Apply For "Collectively Screwed" Status

(UNDATED) - Faced with mounting financial problems that no one's really sure how to deal with, the mayors of four cities across central and eastern Pennsylvania have collectively decided to file an application with the Commonwealth for Act 94 status, also known as "Collectively Screwed" status.

If granted, the designation would allow mayors and city council members from Harrisburg, Lancaster, Reading and York to collectively bitch in public about the plights of their cities.

"We'll be able to call news conferences where we'll all gather at the podium and just shake our heads," said York Mayor John Brenner.

"Hell, we might all go out to the Pep Grill every now and then and grovel about how much things really suck," said Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed. "I'll be sure to walk the other three mayors to their cars afterward, though, to make sure they don't get mugged."

Amish Community Tries To Mend After Rake Fight

(BIRD-IN-HAND) - Amish residents here are consoling each other and looking for common ground after a rake fight broke out at a recent barnraising, sparking the Plain community's equivalent to a bench-clearing brawl.

"One second we was nailing down two-by-fours," said Amos Stoltzfus, "and then, before you knew it, these two young fellas started takin' at each other with their steel-toothed rakes."

"It was scary," said Amos Stoltzfus (no relation to the above). "I mean, you expect this kind of thing to happen elsewhere, but not in our small, quiet village."

Accounts vary as to what sparked the rake fight, though two separate accounts say it started when Amos Stoltzfus (no relation to either of the above) made a disparaging remark about the shoo-fly pie recently made by the mother of fellow builder Amos Stoltzfus (no relation to any of the three men mentioned above).

There were no serious injuries, wunst.