Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone's Listening

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.

Wagner's report said the Commonwealth is "$12 kajillion in debt;" prostitution is "running rampant" in the Department of Public Welfare; drillers tapping into the state's Marcellus shale gas formation are hiring midgets "at alarming rates;" Pennsylvania "wasted a fortune turning the Capitol water fountain pink for breast cancer awareness;" and "autism is the new Herpes."

The document went on to recommend that the General Assembly be reduced from 253 to 12 lawmakers; that the name of "Wednesday" be changed to "Wagsday;" that all casinos be required to install stripper poles; and that Wynonna Judd be named the state dog.

Several individuals implicated in the report were contacted for this story, but said they had heard of neither the report nor Wagner.

"The name rings a bell," said acting DGS Secretary Michael Nardone. "Is he a professional golfer?"

State Attorney General Tom Corbett, a row officer like Wagner, said he is "not sure what the hell the auditor general's job is," but he pledged to find out before becoming governor.

Dingell-Baehre Wedding Planned

(HARRISBURG) - Former Harrisburg Area Community College President Edna Baehre has announced plans to wed Congressman John Dingell of Michigan.

Baehre, who recently accepted a job as president of Napa Valley Community College in California, said she will hyphenate her new last name, which will be Dingell-Baehre.

The couple met on a quail hunting expedition in Montana. "It was love at first gunshot," Dingell said. "That chick can really down some birds." He said her "cool, spiky hair" was also "a major draw."

Baehre said she has always had a crush on Norman Fell and that Dingell reminds her of him. "Much like Mrs. Roper, my sexual appetite is insatiable," she said.

Corbett Changes A.G. Moniker To "Office Of The Future Governor"

(HARRISBURG) - Just days after scoring a victory in the Republican primary, Attorney General Tom Corbett today changed the name of his office to "Office of the Future Governor of Pennsylvania."

Corbett said the change "better reflects what my main focus will be between now and November."

Corbett also unveiled a new website, announcing that www.attorneygeneral.gov has been replaced by www.onoratocansuckit.gov.

When asked by reporters about a possible conflict of interest posed by the changes, Corbett answered with a blank stare. "Why are you folks always out to get me? Can't you see I'm doing the people's business here?"

The general election will be held on November 2.

In unrelated business, Corbett announced that another round of indictments in the "Bonusgate" corruption probe will be made public on November 1.

Jesus Rises From The Dead, School Cancelled Monday

(Jerusalem) -- Jesus Christ again rose from the dead today, causing midstate school districts to cancel Monday classes and Biblical scholars to speculate as to why He chose this year to make a big return.

"It's probably the economy," said Josiah Dirk, a professor of resurrectional sciences at Messiah College. "My guess is He figures He can stir some shit up and get things back on track."

Christ spoke to reporters at a news conference later in the day, at which time He confirmed that He was troubled by high unemployment rates and continued market instability. However, He also cited other issues including ongoing tensions between Israelis and Palestinians, the ongoing earthquake relief effort in Haiti and Lindsay Lohan's "downright hellish instability."

Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said she was hoping to find some time for Christ to meet with her and what's left of her staff so that He could share some ideas for digging out of the city's multi-million-dollar debt. Christ told reporters He was familiar with Harrisburg's financial troubles, but added that selling off city assets "could come back to bite Harrisburg in the ass."