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Tuesday, August 19, 2008

The Gazelle Not Above Shameless Promotion, D. Editor Says

What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.

Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water resistant. Thanks to our low-cost production techniques, the cost to you is totally FREE!

How do I get one?'re serious. You actually want one? Well, email us a request and include as an attachment a picture of yourself riding a sheep. (Picture optional.) Be sure to include your mailing address, and we'll snail-mail you one of these collector's items within days.

* Limit 2 stickers per request, please.
* Your mailing address will be discarded as soon as the sticker is mailed (unless we get a really good offer in the near future from junk mail distributors).
* Offer not valid for residents of Rhode Island or Puerto Rico.
* Offer expires once we run out of stickers and/or young Amish children to make them.

Friday, August 15, 2008

DeWeese Urges Self To Step Down

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign.

"In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the right thing and relinquish my House seat, or at the very least, my leadership post," DeWeese (D-Greene) said. "I mean really. Who the hell am I trying to fool?"

Standing at a lectern, DeWeese laid out a case against his own plans to seek re-election. "A true leader does not unnecessarily put his troops directly in harm's way for purely political gain," the lawmaker said. Occasionally, he would pause to take a swig from a large jug of Gatorade and scarf down a few pork rinds, only to continue lambasting himself for what ended up being a 47-minute tirade.

In an interview after his floor speech, DeWeese said he thought he had made several good points, but ultimately brushed aside his own calls for his resignation. "I can not let this type of gibberish keep me from doing my job," he said.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Crooks Plan To Sneak In Your Back Door On National Night Out

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well.

"While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar who calls himself 'Hellboy.' "It's even better when they go out to one of those community events at a park, because then we're pretty much guaranteed to have the whole place to ourselves. Dumbasses."

Police acknowledge their efforts on National Night Out are focused on community outreach and not on patrols. "It's a chance for us to take a break from chasing bad guys for a night and not actually have to do any hard work," said Susquehanna Township Police Chief Robert Martin. He said his department plans to hold an event that will feature, among other activities, a public demonstration on how tasers work, using homeless men rounded up from nearby Harrisburg earlier in the day as targets.

York Police Commissioner Mark Whitman said his department will have costume characters on-hand offering free samples of certain street drugs, including cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine. "That's mostly for adults, though, as we'll steer children toward samples of the less-addictive substances, like marijuana," Whitman said.

Meantime, Camp Hill Borough Police plan to offer free child fingerprinting kits and a demonstration entitled "How Racial Profiling Makes Our Community Better."