Bond Picks Up AM Drive Shift On KLINK 104

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail.

Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104.

Bond's co-hosts include his 20-year-old cellmate, who has the distinction of becoming the second young man upon whom Bond has bestowed the name "Stretch," and another male inmate who wears excessive makeup and answers to the name "Bubbles."

While Bond has reportedly been able to maintain a sizable audience, authorities said the suicide rate at the prison has quadrupled since he took to the airwaves. "If you've heard him on the air, you probably realize that's no coincidence," said John Theobald, the superintendent at the jail.

Bond chose to be incarcerated at Rikers Island due to its reputation for gratuitous strip-searches and senseless beatings, said his attorney, Patrick Michael Megaro.

Rising Gas Prices Affect Hummer Sales

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase.

"Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street.

For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is being seen in the type of hummer being purchased. "Some clients who had always bought the full-blown H1 types are now settling for H2- or H3-level hummers in an attempt to save money by accumulating less billable time," said call girl Sharisse Lovesponge, who is often seen working the streets of Midtown Harrisburg.

Letters To D. Editor

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes.
N.B.

Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside from cigarettes. Topping that list are carbon emissions, any of a number of invasive species, and Ann Coulter.

Do you think [Harrisburg Mayor] Stephen Reed will obey the state's new smoking ban?
S.A.

To some extent, yes. I fully expect Reed to stop smoking cigarettes in his office. However, I wouldn't be surprised to hear of him taking the occasional puff from that hookah -- you know, the one made from the hollowed-out skull of former mayoral spokesman Randy King.