Catholic Diocese Inks Deal With Cheez-Its Maker

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese.

Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration.

Among the deciding factors for Bishop Kevin Rhoades was said to be the opportunity to use jalapeno-flavored Cheez-Its as a penance for confession.

Rhoades was also said to be somewhat offended at one line in Nabisco's proposal that read, "Everything tastes better sitting on the body of Christ."

The deal comes less than a year after the Diocese entered into a contract with Sutter Home that made Cabernet Sauvignon "the official sacramental wine" of the region's parishes.

PA's Key Honkey Demographics Side With Clinton

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day.

Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies.

"We knew the sister-lovin' sheep-fuckin' crowd would break for Hillary," said G. Terry Madonna, professor of public affairs at Franklin & Marshall College. "It should also come as little surprise that anyone who's cracked a book at some point in their lives is all about Obama."

Oops, Poll Worker Just Crapped His Pants

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants.

Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler.

Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks to her husband. She was contacted by Judith Crabtree, the local precinct captain.

"This type of thing actually happens more often at polling places than you might think," said Crabtree.

Beers and Spears

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war in Iraq only go so far in influencing voting booth choices.

SPEARS...to all of the political candidates -- both Democrat and Republican -- who are choosing to clutter up the ballot by launching races for state House and state Senate. Each and every one of them risks detracting much-needed media-overattention from the presidential race. Apparently, you were out sick the day they taught political etiquette in school -- namely the part about quietly standing on the sidelines while Democracy runs its course in much bigger, more important races. I mean, does the General Assembly even do anything any more? I thought that vote to rescind their pay raises a couple years ago was essentially a vote to disband.

BEERS...to former Cumberland County Commissioner Bruce Barclay for his four years of public service. From the looks of the court papers, Mr. Barclay appears to be poised for a stellar career in the video production business -- even if those aspirations of being a Boy Scout troop leader have suddenly become a bit less attainable. If only commissioner posts were like the Catholic priesthood, Barclay would just be reassigned to another county.