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Saturday, November 17, 2007

Ex-lawmaker Arraigned For Shoddy Grooming

(HARRISBURG) - A former 10-term Democratic state lawmaker was arraigned this week on charges that he failed to shave before having his official photograph taken for the state House of Representatives website.

"Frank LaGrotta desecrated the American flag by posing in front of it with a blatant 5 o'clock shadow," said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett, flanked by a four-foot-by-five-foot poster-size version of the stubble-ridden photograph.

The former lawmaker, who was defeated in the May 2006 primary, was charged with a felony count of shoddy grooming.

Reached by phone following the announcement, LaGrotta told The Gazelle that he has since taken to shaving twice a day. "It's a hormonal thing," the Democrat said. "My facial hair has grown super-fast ever since puberty."

Reed Auctions Off Idea Of Building Wild West Museum

(DALLAS, TX) - Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today auctioned off his concept of building a museum full of western artifacts to a man from Cheyenne, Wyoming, who purchased the idea for $1.75 million.

"I'm a huge history buff and I love the Wild West," said John Steil, who cast the winning bid. "It just never occurred to me to build a museum about the West. In fact, I don't think it occurred to anyone!"

"While it would have obviously been a better fit for Harrisburg, Pennsylvania, I'm eager to give it a go in our neck of the woods," Steil said.

Monday, November 5, 2007

Charity Run Raises Money For Charity Runs

(LANCASTER) - Dozens of people took to the streets here today to run for a good cause: other people who run for a good cause.

The First Annual Lancaster Charity Run Walk/Run is designed to raise money for individuals who take part in walking or running events for various charities.

"I'm out here in memory of my dad," said Brent Houlihan of Gap. "He was taking part in an American Cancer Society Run for the Cure event in 2005, when he took a wrong turn and was hit by a train." Houlihan also recently participated in a walking event in York to raise money for families of people who are killed by trains in the course of walking or running for charity.

Others said they wanted to send a message of support to individuals who use walking and running events to send messages of support.

Such was the case for Shelly Harburger of Lititz. "My mom wants to take part in a walk for Multiple Sclerosis, but participants have to raise $300," she said. "I'm running today to raise that money so she can afford to sign up for the walk."

Sunday, November 4, 2007

Declaration Of Add A Caption Winner Sparks Riots In Islamabad

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle "Add A Caption" Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack.

And the winner is..."Man, Woman, Dog Donate Organs to Keep Knoll Running." It was submitted by J.K. Nice going, J.K.! You have won the right to tell all of your friends that your caption was deemed most clever by Central Pennsylvania's premiere fake online newspaper. If that doesn't get you laid, I don't know what will.

Here is a sampling of some other submissions:

"Who farted?"
--submitted separately by 2 readers: Tracy H. in Carlisle and Anonymous

"'That's *how* old in dog years? Quit yanking my chain,' said fluffy."
--The Ghost of News Directors Past [D.Ed. note: Could it be Rick Wagner coming back from the dead?]

"Lt. Gov. Knoll appears at a rally for taxpayer-funded eye care for canines."
--Bovation of Linglestown

“See the Lt. Gov’s hair, that’s the look we will go for next time; Smile for the camera puppy….”

"Which twin has the Tony?"
--R.K. [D.Ed. note: I don't get this one, but I'm including it in case someone else does and it happens to be really damn funny.]

If you think any of those suck, you should see some of the ones left on the cutting room floor. Just kidding, as they were all at least mediocre. Another photo is on the way soon -- accompanied by your chance to submit captions and win absolutely nothing!