Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

• accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
• eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
• downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
• cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.

TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident's 30th Anniversary

(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant.

"We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the 28th, we'll arrange it so that a sleeping guard somehow hits a bunch of switches and causes at least one water pump -- and maybe several -- to malfunction. The result should be radioactive water that seeps into several areas of the plant and into the Susquehanna River."

Residents will be encouraged to line the banks of the river to watch the event. "They won't see much, but those standing downwind of the radiation cloud should feel a flash of uncomfortable heat when it passes over them," DeSantis said.

"In order to add to the effect," DeSantis said, "TMI workers will run around with glow-in-the-dark paint on their faces, screaming their heads off."

"It's sure to be an event for the whole family. But then, you're going to want to get the hell away," DeSantis said.

Beers & Spears

SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St. Patty's Day.)

BEERS to Sandi Vito. Because I hear she likes her beer. (Then again, everyone at L&I apparently does.)

SPEARS to Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed for luring all of us into buying those simply adorable bobblehead dolls bearing his likeness, only to later pull the plug on the Sports Hall of Fame idea. So now what's all of that money going to be used for? Wild West artifacts?

More BEERS to Sandi Vito...because even after the last ones, she's still walking upright. Dang, that chick can hold her booze.

Letters To D. Editor

Love the site. So, are you guys going to do something about the giveaway of Riverfront park and those hideous Capital Blue Cross signs?
C.D.

We were going to take on this story -- that is, until we were approached by Capital Blue Cross with $50,000 in hush money. That made us realize all of the tremendous things that this fabulous non-profit is doing in our community each and every day.

I'm worried that cutbacks in the newspaper industry are affecting the Gazelle. Are they? What can you say to put my mind at ease?
H.M.

I'm afraid that we did recently have to eliminate several positions on our editorial staff. They include Chief Hairstylist, Assistant Fluffer and Executive Vice President of Bullshit. We hope that these layoffs will be only temporary, since each of the positions -- especially the fluffer -- is important to our operation.

Is it just me, or does hearing the words "federal stimulus" make one thing of his penis?
G.P.

Yes, every goddamn time. And tragically, that's only going to make the economy worse.

Ag Secretary Tragically Euthanized At Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.

According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell.

"What veterinarians initially thought was a hairline crack in the Secretary's femur in fact proved to be much more serious and beyond repair," the statement said. Wolff was euthanized at 6:52 p.m. via a poison dart delivered to his left buttock.

Wolff was 92.

Reed Deputizes Bobblehead Version Of Self

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.

Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also appointed the bobblehead to serve as the on-scene spokesman at all major crime and fire calls in the city.

The mayor emphasized that taxpayer money was not used to purchase the $75 doll, but rather funds from the Harrisburg Authority. Reed spoke of a little-known clause in authority bylaw 7(a)(c) part 5, which allows for "expenditures on bobblehead dolls, either for use as city officials or for mass purchase so as to prepare for an eventual National Bobblehead Museum."

City Council President Linda Thompson said she intended to introduce herself to the new deputy mayor and invite him to lunch in the near future. "I have a feeling he's going to give me a lot less grief than his boss," Thompson said.

Popular "Chia Pot" Recalled From Store Shelves

(UNDATED) - With just days left in the holiday shopping season, retailers across central Pennsylvania have pulled the marijuana-on-ceramic Chia Pot due to a voluntary recall by the manufacturer.

California-based Joseph Enterprises Inc. says the recall came after several consumers complained that the product attracted their loser friends who would bring over all of their bootlegged Phish CDs and camp out on the living room sofa while devouring all salty snack foods to be found in the house. The product has been especially popular on and around college campuses.

Individuals who already bought a Chia Pot can return it for a full $300 refund, according to company spokesman Herb Gittlemore.

Santa Claus Arrested For DUI At Midstate Airport

(MIDDLETOWN) - Santa Claus was arrested for DUI Saturday night while practicing various maneuvers in the skies over south central Pennsylvania.

State Police said they received numerous complaints from residents about Claus flying "erratically" and dangerously close to several homes in the Middletown area.

Joanne Delancey, who lives in Highspire, reported hearing such a clatter that she sprang from her bed to see what was the matter. “What to my wondering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Back and forth in the sky they thrashed, I knew in a moment that Santa was trashed.”

Police took Claus into custody shortly after he landed on the airport's runway.

"He was very visibly intoxicated,” said Trooper Charles Mugglebeam. “His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. In fact, his behavior was so erratic that I laughed when I saw him – in spite of myself."

Claus was charged with DUI, public drunkenness and possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. “He had a one-pound brick of pot in his suit and a four-foot water bong riding shotgun in his sleigh,” said Mugglebeam.

A spokesman for Claus said the elf-in-chief regularly practices takeoffs and landings at HIA because the facility is used by "few, if any, airplanes."

As for the arrest, the spokesman sounded a skeptical tone. "This is just another example of police targeting someone because he's black."

Knoll's Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA

(HARRISBURG) - The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.

The late lieutenant governor's body was the grand marshall in last weekend's Holiday Parade in downtown Harrisburg, then lied in repose for several days at the state Capitol building. Today, in a rare trip across state lines, she participated in the coin toss at the beginning of the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots in Massachusetts.

On Monday, Knoll will be present for the ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new electronics store in Pike County. Her body will lie in repose for a few hours each at several Catholic churches on Tuesday and Wednesday, but will be busy again on Thursday as she introduces the band Nada Surf for their evening appearance at the Trocadero club in Philadelphia.

"She's always been a busy, dedicated woman," said Gov. Ed Rendell. "I guess it should come as no surprise that she's been this busy in the first couple weeks following her death."

Letters To D. Editor

It's been a while since your last post. Are you still there? What happened?
E.W.

What gives? Did you go the way of the beehive lady, D. Editor?
C.K.

It's good to be back. As is my practice every four years, I went into hibernation about a month before the presidential election. I achieve this by hauling out a contraption made of a clock radio and an old I.V. machine loaded with a big ol' bag of Jack Daniels and valium. Let's just say it worked a little too well, as I conked out on October 8 and just woke up yesterday. But damn, do I feel refreshed! Now, if only I could get this fork out of my ear...

If you're really serious, and you actually have Central PA Gazelle stickers, I would proudly display one on my lovely working mom/football mom/can't afford to pay for oldest's college tuition mom van.
M.D.

I think they're around here somewhere. Let me get some clothes on and I'll see if I can scrape one up for you.

Financial Experts: 'Okay, Go Ahead And Panic'

(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.

Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries.

"Obviously, that non-panicking psycho-babble we were preaching for a while didn't do a hell of a lot of good," said George DeLauria, with the Edward Jones investment firm in York Township, York County. "So now, I'm advising those who seek my counsel to sell all of their stock, cut up their credit cards, stop making mortgage payments and board up all doors and windows to keep banking representatives and the sheriff's office out."

"As for retirees, they're totally fucked," said Gwendolyn Hennypeck, president of Wachovia Securities in East Pennsboro Township, Cumberland County. "If I were old, I'd probably rob a bank. That way, you'll either emerge with a lot of money or rent-free housing courtesy of your local prison for the rest of your dwindling life."

Most advisers were quick to note that, because the economy is cyclical, anyone who has been waiting for an opportunity to panic should do so now -- before the markets recover in a few months.

Campaign Urges Strangers To 'Fondle My Funbags'

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - A non-profit group today launched a breast cancer awareness effort designed to rival the "Feel Your Boobies" campaign.

Participants in "Fondle My Funbags" wear t-shirts emblazoned with the title slogan, encouraging other people to give them spontaneous breast exams.

"This all started when I was at the Eclipse nightclub in Harrisburg a couple weeks back," said founder Suzie Ralston, 24, of New Cumberland. "This drunk guy grabbed my left tit, only to pause and say, 'Uh oh, I think I feel a lump.' Sure enough, it turned out I had a tumor. But it was caught early, thanks to that creep's classless and sex-starved act."

"The best part is that this removes the stigma from grabbing a total stranger's tits," said Schuyler Ralston, Suzie's husband, who is believed to be the most vocal backer of the campaign. He has also taken preliminary steps toward starting a similar testicular cancer awareness effort for men, entitled "Jostle My Junk."

Reason For Blue Cross CEO's Departure: Torrid Affair With Blue Man

(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.

Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads.

"Several people on the set reported that Smith and Blue [Man] had a lot of trouble keeping their hands off of each other between takes. Then after the shoot, the two were seen making out passionately on the hood of Ms. Smith's Mercedes right there in the parking lot," Lehr said. "We found that to be conduct unbecoming of a CEO."

Some coworkers who declined to give their names said Smith often found herself struggling to explain bright blue marks which seemed to surface out of nowhere on her neck, face and hands.

One woman who called herself a member of Smith's "inner circle" said the top executive often spoke of being sexually attracted to Gumby and other plasma-like figures throughout her life. "But," the woman quoted Smith as saying, "once you go Blue, you never go back."

Capital Blue Cross spokesman Tim Reeves would not confirm nor deny the allegations. "But I think it goes without saying that when you spend that much time together taping commercials, that breeds a high-stress environment that could easily bring sexual tension to the surface," he said.

Reeves said the Blue Man was unavailable for comment, noting his lack of a mouth.

Stuffed Likeness Of McCain Visits Lancaster

(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said.

"There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to Lancaster," one Palin aide told the Gazelle on condition of anonymity. As the aide secretly talked with our reporter, he removed his shirt and began whipping himself on the back with a cat o' nine tails. It was "out of penance to Jesus Christ and his direct disciple, Sarah Palin," the aide said.

"So we decided -- OWWW! -- that no one would notice it was actually -- AAARGH! -- a stuffed likeness of the senator because of their sheer -- OHHH OWW! -- excitement for Gov. Palin," the aide said.

Terry Madonna, a political science professor at F&M, was shocked to learn of the switch. "You're shitting me," he said. "I thought his stump speech was a little more wooden than usual. But other than that, he had me fooled."

A McCain staffer -- who also spoke anonymously -- confirmed that the campaign considered the appearance to be such a great success that it would double-book the Arizona senator on a frequent basis between now and the election.

"Thinking long-term, the taxidermied [version of] McCain would also be ready to step into the presidency on a moment's notice should something happen to the real president," the staffer said. "That's more than we can say for Sarah Palin."

Bristol Palin To Serve As PLCB Spokes-teen

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.

The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."

Stapleton said he hoped a series of television commercials and print advertisements could be produced "before Bristol starts showing." He said the mother-to-be would not be expected to drink a substantial amount of alcohol, but rather "a few shots here and there to make sure it looks real."

The outreach effort targeting teens comes as the PLCB undergoes a "renaissance" in its retail operations, part of which Stapleton said involves "doubled-up efforts to better tap into the under-21 crowd."

"At a time when the economy appears to be slowing, the best way for us to build our business is to bolster underage and binge drinking," Stapleton said. "After all, some of our most loyal customers are dying off, and we need to replace them as quickly as possible."

The Gazelle Not Above Shameless Promotion, D. Editor Says

What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.

Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water resistant. Thanks to our low-cost production techniques, the cost to you is totally FREE!

How do I get one? Wow...you're serious. You actually want one? Well, email us a request and include as an attachment a picture of yourself riding a sheep. (Picture optional.) Be sure to include your mailing address, and we'll snail-mail you one of these collector's items within days.

Disclaimers:
* Limit 2 stickers per request, please.
* Your mailing address will be discarded as soon as the sticker is mailed (unless we get a really good offer in the near future from junk mail distributors).
* Offer not valid for residents of Rhode Island or Puerto Rico.
* Offer expires once we run out of stickers and/or young Amish children to make them.

DeWeese Urges Self To Step Down

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign.

"In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the right thing and relinquish my House seat, or at the very least, my leadership post," DeWeese (D-Greene) said. "I mean really. Who the hell am I trying to fool?"

Standing at a lectern, DeWeese laid out a case against his own plans to seek re-election. "A true leader does not unnecessarily put his troops directly in harm's way for purely political gain," the lawmaker said. Occasionally, he would pause to take a swig from a large jug of Gatorade and scarf down a few pork rinds, only to continue lambasting himself for what ended up being a 47-minute tirade.

In an interview after his floor speech, DeWeese said he thought he had made several good points, but ultimately brushed aside his own calls for his resignation. "I can not let this type of gibberish keep me from doing my job," he said.

Crooks Plan To Sneak In Your Back Door On National Night Out

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well.

"While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar who calls himself 'Hellboy.' "It's even better when they go out to one of those community events at a park, because then we're pretty much guaranteed to have the whole place to ourselves. Dumbasses."

Police acknowledge their efforts on National Night Out are focused on community outreach and not on patrols. "It's a chance for us to take a break from chasing bad guys for a night and not actually have to do any hard work," said Susquehanna Township Police Chief Robert Martin. He said his department plans to hold an event that will feature, among other activities, a public demonstration on how tasers work, using homeless men rounded up from nearby Harrisburg earlier in the day as targets.

York Police Commissioner Mark Whitman said his department will have costume characters on-hand offering free samples of certain street drugs, including cocaine, heroin and methamphetamine. "That's mostly for adults, though, as we'll steer children toward samples of the less-addictive substances, like marijuana," Whitman said.

Meantime, Camp Hill Borough Police plan to offer free child fingerprinting kits and a demonstration entitled "How Racial Profiling Makes Our Community Better."

Boscov's Forced To Lay Off That Old Lady With A Beehive Hairdo

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo.

The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such woman employed by Boscov's.

Chief Executive Officer Ken Lakin declined to comment on the rumors of multiple old women with beehive hairdos working for the company and on the firing, other than to say it was a "difficult personnel matter."

Deceased Man Remembered As Total Prick

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole.

"He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor.

"He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted around me all the time," reflects Esther Ruthbaum, Ralph's widow. "He also left the toilet seat up a lot."

"I hated him because he gave out grocery store coupons each year for Halloween," said 10-year-old neighbor Justin Pratt. "What a dick."

Others recalled Ruthbaum as someone who would regularly borrow tools and other items without giving them back and as a neighbor who would call the police on even the most civilized of neighborhood parties.

There are no memorial or burial services planned, his wife said. "I doubt anyone would show up."