Hershey Med Holds Nip/Tuck Camp

(HERSHEY) - It's not pumpkins that students ages 9 through 12 are carving at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center this week. The center's plastic surgery department is hosting the teens as part of its annual Nip/Tuck Camp.

Modeled after the popular medical drama series on television, the camp is designed to give students "a look at what really happens on a daily basis in the plastic surgery field," said Dr. Donald Mackay, a surgeon.

For instance, a course entitled Necrophilia 101 will focus on how to remove body parts from women and reassemble them so as to create "the ideal woman." Another class provides tips on how plastic surgeons arrange their schedules so as to allow enough time to have sex with as many patients as possible.

"Ninety percent of what we deal with is boobs," Mackay said. "Boobs, boobs, boobs. So you can bet there will be plenty of that this week for the kids."

The week will culminate with an appearance by actor Bruno Campos who will host a seminar entitled "Why Every Practice Needs a Carver."

Senate Moves To Ban Smoking After Sex

(HARRISBURG) - The state Senate today passed a bill that would make smoking after sex illegal.

Sen. Jeff Piccola (R-Dauphin) introduced an amendment exempting from prosecution anyone who lights up after having sex with himself or herself. It passed 50-0.

Another modification came from Sen. Jake Corman (R-Bumblefuck), who put forth a successful amendment exempting those who smoke following intercourse with farm animals.

Gov. Ed Rendell promised to veto the measure and called a press conference to chastise lawmakers. "I'll be damned if Midge and I are going to break our tradition of lighting up after every time we have booty," he said.

Eat'n Park Carries On Schoolgirl Night Tradition

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - Less than two weeks after the Hooters restaurant on the Carlisle Pike ditched 'Schoolgirl Thursday' amid public outrage, the Eat'n Park restaurant on Limekiln Road outside New Cumberland has picked up the baton.

Starting this Thursday, June 28, the eatery will give a free Smiley Cookie to any woman who shows up dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl on Thursday nights.

Restaurant Manager Ben Hobblesmith said the promotion is "considerably less racy" than the 'Show Us Your Tits Tuesdays' the chain held last year, which involved female customers baring their breasts in exchange for a free slice of pie.

Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll

(HARRISBURG) - Wildlife officials fear the midstate is in the throws of one of its worst-ever invasions of gypsy moth caterpillars, as evidenced by the way the insects have attacked Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.

"She's looking more overwhelmed than in previous seasons, but she should pull through," said Eric Naguski, who coordinates Dauphin County's gypsy moth suppression program.

Experts recommend wrapping petroleum jelly-covered duct tape at the bottom of a tree trunk to prevent the insects from invading. A spokeswoman for the lieutenant governor said officials will likely take such action with Knoll should her condition not improve in the next day or so.

As for next year, the spokeswoman said Knoll will be sprayed down with a semi-diluted insecticide prior to the caterpillars' prime breeding season -- likely sometime in March or April.

Reed Unveils Initiative Initiative

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today unveiled a major initiative that calls for at least 25 major initiatives to be unveiled before the end of the year.

"We have no idea what they're going to be yet," Reed said in a press conference in front of the National Civil War Museum, where crickets could be heard chirping in the background. "But for starters, we're probably talking some groundbreakings on housing and commercial complexes mixed in with a buttload of ribbon-cuttings, along with another university or two."

The mayor said most of the initiatives will "likely target either downtown, midtown or uptown Harrisburg. I plan to keep with my tradition of staying the hell out of Allison Hill."

Two of Reed's most outspoken critics, city Councilwoman Linda Thompson and professional hobo Jason Smith, immediately called a press conference to dismiss all of Reed's yet-to-be-announced initiatives as "unrealistic and generally stupid."

Confronted by reporters later in the afternoon at the scene of a fire, Reed promised to file a lawsuit to keep all of his critics occupied while he's busy pushing through his initiatives.

Bill Would Put Slot Machines In Funeral Homes

(HARRISBURG) - In his latest attempt to expand gaming in Pennsylvania, House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese (D-Greene) announced he's drafting a bill that would allow slot machines to be installed in funeral homes.

"Slots parlors and funeral parlors are a natural pairing," DeWeese said. "What we have here is the opportunity to build tax relief from people's grief."

The Democrat was quick to add that his measure will contain important stipulations. "For example, one provision will make it clear that all gambling must take place at least 50 feet from the nearest corpse."

DeWeese said the bill will also provide for free alcoholic beverages at funeral homes with slot machines. "Only they won't be served by chicks in little frilly skirts," he added.

Governor Ed Rendell said he will fully support the proposal. "People at a funeral or memorial service are at a gray point in their lives. But you put them in front of a slot machine and they're happy. They have fun. They see the bright lights. They hear music. They forget about the dead guy in the box and are instead filled with brightness and cheer."

Asshole Sets Off Fireworks For Memorial Day

(DUNCANNON) - While most central Pennsylvanians spent Memorial Day pausing to reflect on those who died serving the United States, Bill "Sparky" Aumiller observed the occasion with a fireworks show launched off the deck of his home in this Perry County community.

This evening's 25-minute display featured mostly skyrockets, Roman candles and bottlerockets accented by frequent M-80 explosions.

"When you set aside the tackiness and tastlessness of his timing, it sure was some beautiful shit," said Aumiller's neighbor, Rustin Simmons. "Even the Vietnam vet in me, though a bit shaken at first, came to enjoy the show."

Aumiller's mother, Melba, said she was not surprised when her son's picnic took a sudden turn toward pyrotechnics. "You've gotta remember -- this is the same guy who set off a similar display at his uncle's funeral last year."

Commander Dennis Rickfultz of Duncannon American Legion Post 340 said he was unimpressed. "Every community has one asshole who thinks Memorial Day is the same as July 4th. In this town, that man is Sparky Aumiller."

PennDOT Crew Lays 12 Miles Of Cones For No Reason

(YORK SPRINGS) - A crew of 22 PennDOT workers that spent three hours laying traffic cones along a portion of Route 15 southbound on Friday have admitted they did so for no good reason.

"We're not performing road work there nor do we plan to," conceded crew spokesman Paul Gleason.

The cones, which effectively closed off the passing lane on a 12-mile portion of the highway in York and Adams counties, caused traffic delays during the busy Friday afternoon rush hour and on several occasions during the holiday weekend.

"We're sorry about that," Gleason said.

Gleason said he was not sure when the cones would be lifted and the lane reopened. "We're hoping to make some progress by noon on Thursday," he added.

Letters To D. Editor

Is the story about Rick Wagner raising alpacas and modeling underwear true? Or is this just a joke?
P.D.
Oh...my...God.

Why isn't there anything on how Wrightsville has to wait 12 minutes for an advanced life support unit when there is [sic] a few less than 10 minutes away?
L.B.
Because I haven't the foggiest notion regarding a) what you're talking about, or b) how the hell to make it funny. But if you throw in a midget, a can of shaving cream and some Neil Diamond records, we just might have something.

Where can I get Hershey's non-cramping chewable, chocolate laxatives?
A.M.
The company tells us the laxatives are the new "freebie" handout at the end of the Hershey's Chocolate World ride. They replace the Hershey's Pink Slip Suppositories, which didn't go over as well as the company had hoped.

Who are you?
W.P.
I am Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll and I'm not wearing any panties. (P.D. -- That's not really true.)

Voters Condemn Paxtang Woman To Death For Leaving Up Holiday Decorations

(PAXTANG) - Voters here approved a referendum in Tuesday's primary election that calls for Ida Mae Gallagher, 84, to die by lethal injection for failing to take down her Christmas decorations.

"She's left them up year-round for the past five years, and we just got sick of it," said neighbor Harold Webster. He gathered the 500 signatures required for the question to appear on Tuesday's ballot. It was approved 623-277.

District Attorney Ed Marsico said the referendum is legally binding. But he noted that neighbors "rarely use it to impose the death penalty on one another." He added, "It's a true example of democracy in action -- I guess."

"In my defense, they don't really look that bad," Gallagher said of her decorations, which include blue icicle lights that hang from her gutters and a replica of Santa's sleigh being pulled by 24 reindeer.

Gallagher said she may appeal the results of the referendum in Dauphin County Court. "I'm going to try to scrape the money together to pay an attorney. But if I can't, I guess I'm screwed."

Harrisburg Finishes Removing Snow From Valentine's Day Storm

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today announced that city plow crews have finished clearing snow left behind by the storm that brought the midstate to a standstill in mid-February.

"My administration has made good on its promise to have that wintry mix removed from our fine hamlet's esteemed passageways within 90 days," Reed said. "It was an especially dastardly task, but our road-clearing engineers rose to the occasion."

Rosemary Watson, who lives on Third Street in Midtown, was able to free her car from a mound of snow and ice on Monday. "I worked at it, little by little, for the past three months," she said.

Meantime, Governor Ed Rendell's office announced that state workers, who have been off work for the past 13 weeks due to the snow, should report at their normal times tomorrow.

Poll: Candidate Apathy Rate High For Upcoming Primary

(UNDATED) - A new poll indicates nearly half of the candidates that will appear on the ballot in Tuesday's municipal primary election do not care whether they win.

The Keystone Poll, conducted by researchers at Franklin & Marshall College, suggests 46 percent of those running "don't have strong feelings either way" regarding the outcome of the contests of which they are a part. A small number -- 6 percent -- are secretly hoping they will lose.

"These apathy numbers are high, even for an off-year election," said F&M political analyst G. Terry Madonna. "But then again, I gotta tell you, I don't think I'll be voting."

While some county commissioner races, such as those in Lancaster and York counties, have drawn a good deal of attention, most appear likely to generate less voter interest.

"I'm only running because my wife made me," said Monte Kemmler, a Republican commissioner candidate in Mifflin County. Meantime, in Adams County, Democratic commissioner hopeful Neil Clifford is actually not very hopeful about his chances. "When it comes down to it, I'm probably going to vote for a couple of my opponents."

Even Secretary of the Commonwealth Pedro Cortes seems less than enthused by this year's primary. His department has replaced it's "Ready, Set, Vote" campaign with one entitled "Ready, Set, Aw Fuck It."

"If you only want to vote in one election this year, wait until November," said Cortes.

Camp Hill Lifts Travel Ban To Harrisburg

(CAMP HILL) - Camp Hill Mayor Lou Thieblemont today signed a resolution lifting the 1982 ban that had prevented borough residents from traveling to Harrisburg.

Concurrently, Thieblemont trimmed back the hours during which the guard towers at all entrance points to Camp Hill will be staffed.

"I feel we're ready for these bold steps," said Thieblemont at a press conference at Cornerstone Coffeehouse. "However, please note that a midnight curfew will go into effect, meaning all borough residents must clear out of Harrisburg by that time. Remember, we're talking baby steps here, people. Baby steps."

The White Shore Chamber of Commerce voiced support for the resolution. "It's almost like we're going to be able to start doing business with another country," said President and CEO Ed Messner.

Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed said he was "eager to welcome that snooty bunch of wine-sipping elitists" back into his city.

Letters To D. Editor

I've been told that Nazareth resident and retired race car driver Mario Andretti has been approached by the State Police to become [Governor] Rendell's new driver. Have you heard that?
T.B.
The Gazelle has indeed confirmed that Andretti auditioned for the role of Rendell's driver. However, he flunked on two accounts: he didn't drive fast enough for the governor's tastes and Rendell's beer twice slipped off the dashboard -- a major no-no.

[In response to "PennDOT Chief 'Flummoxed' At Results Of Anna Nicole Paternity Test" of 4/11/07]
Gee, I wonder how many people are now looking up the word "flummoxed"?? Thanks for the "word of the day."
S.E.
Interestingly, I had more folks email wondering if a "Birkhead" was a form of acne.

I love your blog. Its funny as hell. I don't know if you accept submissions from hacks...
D.B.
Thanks for the kind words. The most helpful submissions from readers so far have come in the form of unusual photographs with a midstate flavor. Not all have been printable (for instance, the one featuring Hershey CEO Rick Lenny, a sheep and a bondage harness), but some have sparked story ideas. And in such cases, I do give photo credit when it's due (if people let me).

Thank you! Good writing - funny and current! First time I visited your site reminded me of MAD magazine! Keep up the great work!
Bill S.
I'll pass your kudos along to Alfred E. Neuman, an Editor-At-Large of the Gazelle.

Fudd, Sam Join In Second Amendment Rally At Capitol

(HARRISBURG) - Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam have added their voices to the chorus speaking out against bills that would toughen Pennsylvania's gun laws.

The famed cartoon characters took part in a demonstration today at the state Capitol and voiced opposition to legislation that would limit gun purchases to one per month.

"That would be vewy, vewy bad," said Fudd. "How else would all you wednecks be able to kill wascally wabbits?"

"Give 'em hell," Sam shouted from the podium in a voice that some passers-by initially mistook for that of Representative Camille "Bud" George (D-Clearfield). "Don't let these lily-livered varmints take away your rights to buy as many guns as you want!"

Fudd and Sam, who have been life partners since a 2005 ceremony in Massachusetts, travel the country together, appearing at events to advocate for gun owners' rights.

Rendell: I've Broken 140 Separate Laws In My Time As Governor

(HARRISBURG) - In response to a Freedom of Information Act request from the Gazelle, Governor Ed Rendell today released a list of local, state and federal laws he has broken during his time in office. The 317-page document seemed to indicate that the governor's recent admissions about speeding were just the tip of the iceberg.

Included in the list are several traffic violations Rendell has committed through orders to his state trooper escort, including failure to yield to pedestrians, tailgating and a litany of aggressive driving-related offenses.

In addition, Rendell said he once urinated from the top of the reserved section bleachers at a Harrisburg Senators game. "I should note that I was high as a kite at the time, so I guess that's another one," he wrote.

The governor said he has only committed one capital offense to date. "I murdered a hobo with my bare hands. But I assure you that he had it coming."

Among the lesser offenses Rendell has committed: wiping boogers under the rear passenger seat in several state-issued vehicles, stealing numerous beer mugs from Zembie's and ripping the tags off of various articles of furniture in the Governor's Mansion.

Perzel Promoted To Master Milker

(MOUNT JOY) - Three months after starting a job as a cow-milker on a farm in rural Lancaster County, state Representative John Perzel (R-Philadelphia) has landed a key promotion.

Placid Meadows Farm outside Mount Joy has named Perzel a "master milker," a move that will result in a raise from his starting farm union pay of $55,000.

"The amount of milk he's able to glean from each cow is simply amazing," said farmer Eli Stoltzfus, Perzel's boss. "And his teat technique is exemplary. When it comes to that motion, he's a real natural, for some reason."

The former House speaker decided to moonlight as a cow-milker in order to supplement what he calls the "meager" salary he receives as a lawmaker. Compensation for his farm job is expected to reach a salary of just over $61,500 this year, along with per diems worth another $5,750.

As Perzel pointed out during the legislative pay raise debate of 2005, cow-milkers are paid generously in Lancaster County, coming in behind only taxi drivers and sewage sludge technicians. Doctors and lawyers round out the top five.

Neighbors Recall Parking Ticket Scofflaw As Quiet Loner

(ETTERS) - Neighbors of Randy Geller, who was arrested over the weekend on warrants for 723 outstanding parking tickets across five municipalities, said the Etters man has always been shy and reserved.

"He wasn't a troublemaker if that's what you're asking," said Howard Ralston, who lives next door to Geller. "He just isn't the kind of guy you'd expect to do this sort of thing."

"Randy didn't go around bitching about parking meters or anything," said Judith Riviera, who owns the house across the street. She added Geller mostly kept to himself and "was very much a loner."

"It just goes to show that if someone like this was living here, his type could be living anywhere," said Ralston.

PHEAA Unveils New Name And Logo

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to rebuild its image, the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency, or PHEAA, has adopted the new name of Pennsylvania Helping University-bound and College-bound Kids, or PHUCK.

"We feel the new moniker better reflects what we do on a daily basis," said PHUCK Chief Dick Willey.

He added the switch also reflects a transition toward a more accountable and transparent spending process, vowing to "keep tight reins on all PHUCK money."

"Bottom line," Willey said, "is that we want students to know they have options. That's why we're here to remind them that if they can't afford it, they can always PHUCK it."

As the agency launched its new image, officials also used the occasion to unveil a new website or "information network," PHUCKin.org.

Neighborhood Curmudgeon Wishes Rain Was Snow

(HALIFAX) - Mabel Higgenbottom, known to her neighbors on South Union Street in Halifax as a generally cantankerous woman, said today she wishes the rain that has been pummeling the midstate since Saturday night was snow.

The 86-year-old lifelong borough resident said she was "pleased as punch" when original predictions pegged this weekend's storm as a Nor'easter that could dump as much as a foot of snow. "But when it was downgraded, it was a real pisser," she added.

"It's more fun when it snows," Higgenbottom said. "For instance, during the big Valentine's Day storm, I was watching out my window as my neighbor fell and broke his ankle," she chuckled. "It made my day -- hell, my week."

"Then there was that time someone's car got stuck outside my house and the poor bastard was left twisting in the wind for at least an hour before help came. Good times, indeed," she said.

Higgenbottom said her therapist recently put her on medication to curb a condition he diagnosed as "chronic schadenfreude."