Linda Thompson's Giant Beaver Blamed For Water Problems

(HARRISBURG) - Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson's giant beaver as the cause of last week's water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government.

An employee with United Demolition and Excavating, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Thompson's pet beaver was to blame for the snafu.

This is not the first time Thompson's beaver has been pounded. Among those who have come down hard on it is former mayoral spokesman Chuck Ardo, who has previously cited Thompson's giant beaver as being among his reasons for resigning.

"To be sitting in one of those early morning prayer sessions in [Thompson's] office with that giant beaver staring you down -- that was some scary shit," Ardo said. "It was like a car wreck. You didn't want to look at it, but you couldn't help it. It was grotesque."

"I could deal with the prayers, incense, and goat sacrifice rituals that took place each day in Linda's office," said former mayoral spokeswoman Joyce Davis. "But there were many times in the course of conducting the people's business that the mayor's beaver interjected itself and I simply didn't feel it was appropriate. She dragged that thing everywhere."

Among those on the other side of the fence is attorney James Ellison, a close friend of the mayoral beaver. Ellison, whom Thompson has hired to defend her beaver, calls the claim from United Demolition and Excavating "a silly, baseless mischaracterization of a warm, friendly creature."

City officials have also filed a preliminary claim with the insurance company representing the mayor's beaver. Thompson said she began insuring her beaver "decades ago, even before I started letting people pet it."

Man At Wine Kiosk Can't Make Up His Fucking Mind

(CAMP HILL) - A trip to the grocery store took a lot longer than expected today for Alex Benner of New Cumberland. That's because Benner, whose wife Jeanne sent him to the store for milk, Frosted Flakes and tampons, ended up stymied by his spontaneous decision to purchase a bottle of wine at the wine kiosk.

"I figured it'd be easy to just grab a bottle and go," Benner said. "At first, I was going to get a chardonnay. But then I shifted toward the reds and thought a cabernet sauvignon looked good."

As of the deadline for this article, Benner was still standing at the kiosk, holding a box of tampons and trying to make up his fucking mind.

Wagner Releases Whacked-Out Report, Just To See If Anyone's Listening

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.

Wagner's report said the Commonwealth is "$12 kajillion in debt;" prostitution is "running rampant" in the Department of Public Welfare; drillers tapping into the state's Marcellus shale gas formation are hiring midgets "at alarming rates;" Pennsylvania "wasted a fortune turning the Capitol water fountain pink for breast cancer awareness;" and "autism is the new Herpes."

The document went on to recommend that the General Assembly be reduced from 253 to 12 lawmakers; that the name of "Wednesday" be changed to "Wagsday;" that all casinos be required to install stripper poles; and that Wynonna Judd be named the state dog.

Several individuals implicated in the report were contacted for this story, but said they had heard of neither the report nor Wagner.

"The name rings a bell," said acting DGS Secretary Michael Nardone. "Is he a professional golfer?"

State Attorney General Tom Corbett, a row officer like Wagner, said he is "not sure what the hell the auditor general's job is," but he pledged to find out before becoming governor.

Dingell-Baehre Wedding Planned

(HARRISBURG) - Former Harrisburg Area Community College President Edna Baehre has announced plans to wed Congressman John Dingell of Michigan.

Baehre, who recently accepted a job as president of Napa Valley Community College in California, said she will hyphenate her new last name, which will be Dingell-Baehre.

The couple met on a quail hunting expedition in Montana. "It was love at first gunshot," Dingell said. "That chick can really down some birds." He said her "cool, spiky hair" was also "a major draw."

Baehre said she has always had a crush on Norman Fell and that Dingell reminds her of him. "Much like Mrs. Roper, my sexual appetite is insatiable," she said.

Corbett Changes A.G. Moniker To "Office Of The Future Governor"

(HARRISBURG) - Just days after scoring a victory in the Republican primary, Attorney General Tom Corbett today changed the name of his office to "Office of the Future Governor of Pennsylvania."

Corbett said the change "better reflects what my main focus will be between now and November."

Corbett also unveiled a new website, announcing that www.attorneygeneral.gov has been replaced by www.onoratocansuckit.gov.

When asked by reporters about a possible conflict of interest posed by the changes, Corbett answered with a blank stare. "Why are you folks always out to get me? Can't you see I'm doing the people's business here?"

The general election will be held on November 2.

In unrelated business, Corbett announced that another round of indictments in the "Bonusgate" corruption probe will be made public on November 1.

Jesus Rises From The Dead, School Cancelled Monday

(Jerusalem) -- Jesus Christ again rose from the dead today, causing midstate school districts to cancel Monday classes and Biblical scholars to speculate as to why He chose this year to make a big return.

"It's probably the economy," said Josiah Dirk, a professor of resurrectional sciences at Messiah College. "My guess is He figures He can stir some shit up and get things back on track."

Christ spoke to reporters at a news conference later in the day, at which time He confirmed that He was troubled by high unemployment rates and continued market instability. However, He also cited other issues including ongoing tensions between Israelis and Palestinians, the ongoing earthquake relief effort in Haiti and Lindsay Lohan's "downright hellish instability."

Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson said she was hoping to find some time for Christ to meet with her and what's left of her staff so that He could share some ideas for digging out of the city's multi-million-dollar debt. Christ told reporters He was familiar with Harrisburg's financial troubles, but added that selling off city assets "could come back to bite Harrisburg in the ass."

Linda Thompson Dresses As Linda Thompson For Halloween

(HARRISBURG) - City Council President and Democratic mayoral candidate Linda Thompson dressed as herself this Halloween, instilling fright in young and old alike throughout the city of Harrisburg.

At first, many residents offered Thompson candy when she appeared on their doorstep, only to have the mayoral candidate explain that her visit was related to campaigning and not trick-or-treating.

Thompson was not the only Linda Thompson running around the streets of Harrisburg for the fright-filled holiday. Stores throughout the city reported running out of Thompson costumes earlier this week, with many offering a free broomstick with every such purchase.

"This was the first year that the [Linda] Thompson costumes even sold better than the 'Slutty Patty Kim' costumes," said Charlotte Beemyer, owner of All About Costumes on State Street. "We've still got plenty of Nevin Mindlin left, though."

"There was a time when Freddy Krueger scared the hell out of people," Beemyer said. "Nowadays, the thought of Linda Thompson as mayor does the trick."

Intercourse Lands 2016 Olympics

(INTERCOURSE) - The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2016 Olympics will take place in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.

Key to its decision, said the IOC, was the Lancaster County community's rural setting and the slogan submitted by Mayor Levi Stoltzfus: "Intercourse 2016: The World Is Coming."

In his passionate appeal to the IOC at its meeting in Denmark, Stoltzfus conceded that his mostly Amish village of roughly 1,000 people has no athletic facilities and that until last year, he had never heard of the Olympics. He followed up with a promise to hold a series of "stadium-raisings" in late 2015 to prepare, and that -- along with a detailed explanation of Amish workmanship -- seemed to satisfy the international panel.

The games will mark the first time that coed naked rakefighting will be sanctioned as an official Olympic sport.

A Message From D. Editor

Dear Readers:

After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in service, and be assured that ridiculousness shall indeed resume.

Humbly yours,
D. Editor

Economic Woes Cause Cutbacks At Gazelle

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.

The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:

• accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.
• eliminate all spontaneous contributions to homeless people.
• downsize his daily Starbucks coffee from a "Vente" to a "Grande."
• cancel his subscription to Guns & Ammo.

We are confident that these reductions will enable the Gazelle to maintain its grueling production schedule of two to four articles per month.

TMI Planning Radiation Release To Mark Accident's 30th Anniversary

(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant.

"We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the 28th, we'll arrange it so that a sleeping guard somehow hits a bunch of switches and causes at least one water pump -- and maybe several -- to malfunction. The result should be radioactive water that seeps into several areas of the plant and into the Susquehanna River."

Residents will be encouraged to line the banks of the river to watch the event. "They won't see much, but those standing downwind of the radiation cloud should feel a flash of uncomfortable heat when it passes over them," DeSantis said.

"In order to add to the effect," DeSantis said, "TMI workers will run around with glow-in-the-dark paint on their faces, screaming their heads off."

"It's sure to be an event for the whole family. But then, you're going to want to get the hell away," DeSantis said.

Beers & Spears

SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St. Patty's Day.)

BEERS to Sandi Vito. Because I hear she likes her beer. (Then again, everyone at L&I apparently does.)

SPEARS to Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed for luring all of us into buying those simply adorable bobblehead dolls bearing his likeness, only to later pull the plug on the Sports Hall of Fame idea. So now what's all of that money going to be used for? Wild West artifacts?

More BEERS to Sandi Vito...because even after the last ones, she's still walking upright. Dang, that chick can hold her booze.

Letters To D. Editor

Love the site. So, are you guys going to do something about the giveaway of Riverfront park and those hideous Capital Blue Cross signs?
C.D.

We were going to take on this story -- that is, until we were approached by Capital Blue Cross with $50,000 in hush money. That made us realize all of the tremendous things that this fabulous non-profit is doing in our community each and every day.

I'm worried that cutbacks in the newspaper industry are affecting the Gazelle. Are they? What can you say to put my mind at ease?
H.M.

I'm afraid that we did recently have to eliminate several positions on our editorial staff. They include Chief Hairstylist, Assistant Fluffer and Executive Vice President of Bullshit. We hope that these layoffs will be only temporary, since each of the positions -- especially the fluffer -- is important to our operation.

Is it just me, or does hearing the words "federal stimulus" make one thing of his penis?
G.P.

Yes, every goddamn time. And tragically, that's only going to make the economy worse.

Ag Secretary Tragically Euthanized At Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.

According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell.

"What veterinarians initially thought was a hairline crack in the Secretary's femur in fact proved to be much more serious and beyond repair," the statement said. Wolff was euthanized at 6:52 p.m. via a poison dart delivered to his left buttock.

Wolff was 92.

Reed Deputizes Bobblehead Version Of Self

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.

Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also appointed the bobblehead to serve as the on-scene spokesman at all major crime and fire calls in the city.

The mayor emphasized that taxpayer money was not used to purchase the $75 doll, but rather funds from the Harrisburg Authority. Reed spoke of a little-known clause in authority bylaw 7(a)(c) part 5, which allows for "expenditures on bobblehead dolls, either for use as city officials or for mass purchase so as to prepare for an eventual National Bobblehead Museum."

City Council President Linda Thompson said she intended to introduce herself to the new deputy mayor and invite him to lunch in the near future. "I have a feeling he's going to give me a lot less grief than his boss," Thompson said.

Popular "Chia Pot" Recalled From Store Shelves

(UNDATED) - With just days left in the holiday shopping season, retailers across central Pennsylvania have pulled the marijuana-on-ceramic Chia Pot due to a voluntary recall by the manufacturer.

California-based Joseph Enterprises Inc. says the recall came after several consumers complained that the product attracted their loser friends who would bring over all of their bootlegged Phish CDs and camp out on the living room sofa while devouring all salty snack foods to be found in the house. The product has been especially popular on and around college campuses.

Individuals who already bought a Chia Pot can return it for a full $300 refund, according to company spokesman Herb Gittlemore.

Santa Claus Arrested For DUI At Midstate Airport

(MIDDLETOWN) - Santa Claus was arrested for DUI Saturday night while practicing various maneuvers in the skies over south central Pennsylvania.

State Police said they received numerous complaints from residents about Claus flying "erratically" and dangerously close to several homes in the Middletown area.

Joanne Delancey, who lives in Highspire, reported hearing such a clatter that she sprang from her bed to see what was the matter. “What to my wondering eyes did appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer. Back and forth in the sky they thrashed, I knew in a moment that Santa was trashed.”

Police took Claus into custody shortly after he landed on the airport's runway.

"He was very visibly intoxicated,” said Trooper Charles Mugglebeam. “His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry. In fact, his behavior was so erratic that I laughed when I saw him – in spite of myself."

Claus was charged with DUI, public drunkenness and possession of marijuana with intent to deliver. “He had a one-pound brick of pot in his suit and a four-foot water bong riding shotgun in his sleigh,” said Mugglebeam.

A spokesman for Claus said the elf-in-chief regularly practices takeoffs and landings at HIA because the facility is used by "few, if any, airplanes."

As for the arrest, the spokesman sounded a skeptical tone. "This is just another example of police targeting someone because he's black."

Knoll's Body Embarks On Final Farewell Tour Of PA

(HARRISBURG) - The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.

The late lieutenant governor's body was the grand marshall in last weekend's Holiday Parade in downtown Harrisburg, then lied in repose for several days at the state Capitol building. Today, in a rare trip across state lines, she participated in the coin toss at the beginning of the game between the Pittsburgh Steelers and the New England Patriots in Massachusetts.

On Monday, Knoll will be present for the ribbon-cutting ceremony at a new electronics store in Pike County. Her body will lie in repose for a few hours each at several Catholic churches on Tuesday and Wednesday, but will be busy again on Thursday as she introduces the band Nada Surf for their evening appearance at the Trocadero club in Philadelphia.

"She's always been a busy, dedicated woman," said Gov. Ed Rendell. "I guess it should come as no surprise that she's been this busy in the first couple weeks following her death."

Letters To D. Editor

It's been a while since your last post. Are you still there? What happened?
E.W.

What gives? Did you go the way of the beehive lady, D. Editor?
C.K.

It's good to be back. As is my practice every four years, I went into hibernation about a month before the presidential election. I achieve this by hauling out a contraption made of a clock radio and an old I.V. machine loaded with a big ol' bag of Jack Daniels and valium. Let's just say it worked a little too well, as I conked out on October 8 and just woke up yesterday. But damn, do I feel refreshed! Now, if only I could get this fork out of my ear...

If you're really serious, and you actually have Central PA Gazelle stickers, I would proudly display one on my lovely working mom/football mom/can't afford to pay for oldest's college tuition mom van.
M.D.

I think they're around here somewhere. Let me get some clothes on and I'll see if I can scrape one up for you.

Financial Experts: 'Okay, Go Ahead And Panic'

(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.

Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries.

"Obviously, that non-panicking psycho-babble we were preaching for a while didn't do a hell of a lot of good," said George DeLauria, with the Edward Jones investment firm in York Township, York County. "So now, I'm advising those who seek my counsel to sell all of their stock, cut up their credit cards, stop making mortgage payments and board up all doors and windows to keep banking representatives and the sheriff's office out."

"As for retirees, they're totally fucked," said Gwendolyn Hennypeck, president of Wachovia Securities in East Pennsboro Township, Cumberland County. "If I were old, I'd probably rob a bank. That way, you'll either emerge with a lot of money or rent-free housing courtesy of your local prison for the rest of your dwindling life."

Most advisers were quick to note that, because the economy is cyclical, anyone who has been waiting for an opportunity to panic should do so now -- before the markets recover in a few months.