tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78672042010936284632011-11-27T19:13:24.451-05:00A look at what isn't making news across the midstateD. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comBlogger1361100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-68105937686860090352011-04-27T20:41:00.000-05:002011-04-27T21:33:46.263-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson's giant beaver as the cause of last week's water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government.An employee with United Demolition and Excavating, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Thompson's pet beaver was to blame for the snafu.This is not the first time Thompson's beaver has been

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-88854374893094815102011-04-25T20:04:00.007-05:002011-04-25T20:42:56.608-05:00

(CAMP HILL) - A trip to the grocery store took a lot longer than expected today for Alex Benner of New Cumberland. That's because Benner, whose wife Jeanne sent him to the store for milk, Frosted Flakes and tampons, ended up stymied by his spontaneous decision to purchase a bottle of wine at the wine kiosk."I figured it'd be easy to just grab a bottle and go," Benner said. "At first, I was going

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-3576479764956069972010-10-08T20:08:00.008-05:002010-10-08T20:41:26.853-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General and former soap opera hunk Jack Wagner today released a broad report on topics ranging from the state budget to sexually transmitted disease, apparently just to see if anyone was paying attention.Wagner's report said the Commonwealth is "$12 kajillion in debt;" prostitution is "running rampant" in the Department of Public Welfare; drillers tapping into

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-24824109483703883812010-09-23T20:25:00.000-05:002010-09-23T20:38:53.807-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Former Harrisburg Area Community College President Edna Baehre has announced plans to wed Congressman John Dingell of Michigan.Baehre, who recently accepted a job as president of Napa Valley Community College in California, said she will hyphenate her new last name, which will be Dingell-Baehre.The couple met on a quail hunting expedition in Montana. "It was love at first gunshot,"

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85318210653579454532010-05-22T19:52:00.007-05:002010-05-22T20:21:14.903-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Just days after scoring a victory in the Republican primary, Attorney General Tom Corbett today changed the name of his office to "Office of the Future Governor of Pennsylvania."Corbett said the change "better reflects what my main focus will be between now and November."Corbett also unveiled a new website, announcing that www.attorneygeneral.gov has been replaced by

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-77162609533724952822010-04-04T07:00:00.004-05:002010-04-04T12:44:45.803-05:00

(Jerusalem) -- Jesus Christ again rose from the dead today, causing midstate school districts to cancel Monday classes and Biblical scholars to speculate as to why He chose this year to make a big return."It's probably the economy," said Josiah Dirk, a professor of resurrectional sciences at Messiah College. "My guess is He figures He can stir some shit up and get things back on track."Christ

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53780421761628761062009-10-31T21:52:00.007-05:002009-10-31T22:18:48.144-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - City Council President and Democratic mayoral candidate Linda Thompson dressed as herself this Halloween, instilling fright in young and old alike throughout the city of Harrisburg.At first, many residents offered Thompson candy when she appeared on their doorstep, only to have the mayoral candidate explain that her visit was related to campaigning and not

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-58303737933836109522009-10-04T20:17:00.004-05:002009-10-04T20:24:58.399-05:00

(INTERCOURSE) - The International Olympic Committee has announced that the 2016 Olympics will take place in Intercourse, Pennsylvania.Key to its decision, said the IOC, was the Lancaster County community's rural setting and the slogan submitted by Mayor Levi Stoltzfus: "Intercourse 2016: The World Is Coming."In his passionate appeal to the IOC at its meeting in Denmark, Stoltzfus conceded that

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-30826693382281956422009-10-04T19:55:00.003-05:002009-10-04T20:02:52.441-05:00

Dear Readers:After a lengthy hiatus caused by the need to obtain a full-time position as shopping cart return boy in order to pay the bills, I am happy to report that Gov. Ed Rendell has finally bestowed upon me a no-work job. As a result, I plan to once again sit on my ass and resume publication of the Central PA Gazelle. Please accept my sincere apologies for the months-long interruption in

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-32274868663718687472009-03-24T21:37:00.005-05:002009-03-25T20:01:56.295-05:00

(UNDATED) - In response to the economic downturn that is pummeling newspapers everywhere -- not just us, okay?!? -- the Central PA Gazelle today announced several belt-tightening moves.The publication's sole employee, D. Editor, announced several steps designed to offset losses in revenue, including plans to:accept a no-work state job to help pay the bills.eliminate all spontaneous contributions

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-58215625084814673592009-03-14T17:09:00.003-05:002009-03-14T17:31:20.012-05:00

(MIDDLETOWN) - Officials with Exelon Nuclear today unveiled plans to allow Three Mile Island Unit One to malfunction on March 28, in honor of the 30th anniversary of the famous accident at the nuclear plant."We plan to trigger the partial meltdown through a series of events that meld nostalgia with the problems of today," said TMI spokesman Ralph DeSantis. "So in the early morning hours of the

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-39258915384406185962009-03-14T16:49:00.005-05:002009-03-14T17:07:48.818-05:00

SPEARS to Patriot-News Editorial Page Editor Heather Long for her JEERS to Acting Labor and Industry Secretary (and apparent Boozehound) Sandi Vito. Long chides Vito for her drunken escapade, adding "It's a little early for St. Patrick's Day celebrations" -- as if to say getting piss-drunk in public on select holidays is okay. (Note to self: Find out where Heather Long plans to party on St.

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-84634122526091045662009-02-28T13:33:00.003-05:002009-02-28T13:49:18.824-05:00

Love the site. So, are you guys going to do something about the giveaway of Riverfront park and those hideous Capital Blue Cross signs?C.D.We were going to take on this story -- that is, until we were approached by Capital Blue Cross with $50,000 in hush money. That made us realize all of the tremendous things that this fabulous non-profit is doing in our community each and every day.I'm worried

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-49875551103330161322009-01-14T21:44:00.003-05:002009-01-14T21:58:07.459-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell."What

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-61876043007888773382009-01-10T15:20:00.002-05:002009-01-10T15:41:07.307-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-30132038680417832982008-12-23T23:08:00.006-05:002008-12-23T23:37:49.004-05:00

(UNDATED) - With just days left in the holiday shopping season, retailers across central Pennsylvania have pulled the marijuana-on-ceramic Chia Pot due to a voluntary recall by the manufacturer.California-based Joseph Enterprises Inc. says the recall came after several consumers complained that the product attracted their loser friends who would bring over all of their bootlegged Phish CDs and

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-27805777134797638282008-12-07T23:45:00.003-05:002008-12-08T00:12:10.570-05:00

(MIDDLETOWN) - Santa Claus was arrested for DUI Saturday night while practicing various maneuvers in the skies over south central Pennsylvania.State Police said they received numerous complaints from residents about Claus flying "erratically" and dangerously close to several homes in the Middletown area.Joanne Delancey, who lives in Highspire, reported hearing such a clatter that she sprang from

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-31544166854957286422008-11-30T17:07:00.001-05:002008-11-30T17:26:18.775-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The interment of the late and very popular Catherine Baker Knoll has been delayed so that her body can make one last round of appearances across Pennsylvania.The late lieutenant governor's body was the grand marshall in last weekend's Holiday Parade in downtown Harrisburg, then lied in repose for several days at the state Capitol building. Today, in a rare trip across state lines,

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-82136014809234770062008-11-30T16:26:00.001-05:002008-11-30T17:08:36.127-05:00

It's been a while since your last post. Are you still there? What happened?E.W.What gives? Did you go the way of the beehive lady, D. Editor?C.K.It's good to be back. As is my practice every four years, I went into hibernation about a month before the presidential election. I achieve this by hauling out a contraption made of a clock radio and an old I.V. machine loaded with a big ol' bag of Jack

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85912092717336458592008-10-07T21:06:00.010-05:002008-10-16T15:11:30.560-05:00

(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries."

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-37153150703167800302008-09-30T20:30:00.005-05:002008-09-30T21:17:29.525-05:00

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - A non-profit group today launched a breast cancer awareness effort designed to rival the "Feel Your Boobies" campaign.Participants in "Fondle My Funbags" wear t-shirts emblazoned with the title slogan, encouraging other people to give them spontaneous breast exams."This all started when I was at the Eclipse nightclub in Harrisburg a couple weeks back," said founder Suzie

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-21707376285341429232008-09-21T20:58:00.006-05:002008-09-21T21:48:47.044-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads."Several

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-90425451263478311072008-09-14T06:28:00.003-05:002008-09-14T14:11:57.610-05:00

(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said."There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-28394928762943685222008-09-06T14:04:00.004-05:002008-09-06T14:21:46.606-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."Stapleton said he hoped a

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-29593730876748598292008-08-19T14:09:00.003-05:002008-08-19T22:32:02.309-05:00

What's black and white and probably won't get you laid? The new Central PA Gazelle bumper sticker! Yes, this is your chance to slap the name of the website that makes fun of everything Central Pennsylvania onto your bumper, your ass, or any other wide, flat surface.Despite the fact that they're cheaply made by Amish sweat shop labor in Rheems, Lancaster County, the stickers are amazingly water

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-73475467918685497142008-08-15T22:24:00.005-05:002008-08-15T22:43:49.862-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - State House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese was seen standing alone today on the floor of a darkened and otherwise vacant Pennsylvania House of Representatives delivering a speech in which he called upon himself to resign."In light of the fact that nearly everyone I've dealt closely with in the past couple years has been indicted or probably will be soon, I urge myself to do the right

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-45941830382487093992008-08-03T13:19:00.004-05:002008-08-03T13:45:06.342-05:00

While communities across the midstate are warming up for Tuesday's National Night Out Against Crime, burglars said they were poised to step up their efforts that night, as well."While people are sitting on their front porches with their lights on in an attempt to 'send a message' to us, we'll be quietly slipping in through the back door and robbing them blind," said a veteran Harrisburg burglar

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-12528337395613880342008-07-31T20:59:00.000-05:002008-07-31T22:09:56.094-05:00

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo.The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-20415107900848859602008-07-26T12:47:00.002-05:002008-07-26T13:03:40.549-05:00

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole."He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor."He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted around

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-78168863424143554852008-07-12T14:17:00.004-05:002008-07-12T14:44:51.468-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Former state Rep. Mike Veon (D-Totally Screwed) showed up for his arraignment on Thursday wearing an ensemble in which powder blue was the predominant color.His powder blue tie perfectly matched the stripes in his shirt, and although his pants had a slightly gray-ish blue hue, they served to round out his ensemble nicely.Through his attorney Robert Del Greco Jr., Veon expressed

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53542766645452644312008-06-30T20:34:00.004-05:002008-06-30T21:00:27.692-05:00

(RIKERS ISLAND, NEW YORK) - Former midstate shock jock Bruce Bond is up to his old antics again, this time as morning host at the official radio station at the Rikers Island jail.Days after Bond was incarcerated for allegedly running a $4.3 million international check-forging scheme, star disc jockey Farnsworth "Sharky" Johnson was released, creating a morning drive opening on KLINK 104.Bond's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-65871727069418133002008-06-23T15:05:00.000-05:002008-06-23T20:55:02.658-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Prostitutes who work the streets of Harrisburg report that gas prices have forced many of their clients to cut down on the number of hummers they purchase."Some of our best customers who were coming by for 8 or 10 hummers a week are now having to settle for 2 or 3," said Trixie Van Wilburstamp, a hooker who frequents State Street.For some prostitutes, the most drastic change is

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-43910312626428497672008-06-23T10:56:00.002-05:002008-06-23T20:56:18.274-05:00

Wonderful stuff as always. I just heard WGAL report that a new study shows that teen tobacco use affects their brains. Another thing to blame on cigarettes. Seems like everything bad today is caused by cigarettes.N.B.Unless it was a report from George Lettis (a.k.a. "The Tom Brokaw of WGAL"), be skeptical. Either way, please be assured that there are indeed numerous other sources of evil aside

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-41788076121271829682008-05-27T04:00:00.005-05:002008-05-27T06:26:00.002-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - State legislators from all four caucuses held a ceremony today to sign a pact vowing to pass a new budget for the upcoming budget year by June 30, 2009, which will be the final day of said budget year."We feel we owe it to the people of Pennsylvania to set reasonable goals," said Senate Majority Leader Dominic Pileggi (R-Kinda' Shady). "Plenty of bills are in line awaiting action

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-71464650671240757232008-05-20T21:17:00.000-05:002008-05-20T20:26:08.923-05:00

(STEELTON) - After 41 years of living a heterosexual lifestyle, Dan Maddox of Steelton became gay this week. The switch and subsequent declaration to family and friends came within days of his recent purchase of a red 2008 Mini Cooper.Maureen Maddox, his wife, said she grew suspicious when Dan was watching television one night recently. "He has always been a humongous hockey fan. But instead of

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-466675498614611322008-04-28T21:04:00.003-05:002008-04-29T07:29:03.539-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The Roman Catholic Diocese of Harrisburg today entered into an agreement that makes Cheez-It crackers the official Communion wafer of all 89 parishes within the diocese.Kellogg Co. landed the contract, the terms of which are eternal, by edging out a competing bid from Nabisco, which had put forth its famous Ritz brand crackers for consideration.Among the deciding factors for Bishop

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-88564605269233668292008-04-28T19:14:00.002-05:002008-04-28T21:35:32.679-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - A Gazelle analysis of primary election results from across Pennsylvania shows Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton had beer-and-whiskey-swillin' country-music-lovin' God-fearin' Perry-County-type folk in her court on election day.Meanwhile, voters most loyal to Barack Obama were largely latte-sippin' too-good-for-you-academic-type upper-crust-and-well-learned once-upon-a-time-hippies."We

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-32281354107412764392008-04-22T08:30:00.001-05:002008-04-22T08:57:01.416-05:00

(LEWISBERRY) - Arthur Nestler, a poll worker at the Lewisberry Park Building polling place, just crapped his pants.Nestler, 89, said the incident occurred a short time ago when he leaned over to pick up a stack of provisional ballots that had fallen onto the floor. "Sonofabitch," said Nestler.Brenda Nestler, Arthur's wife, is bringing a new pair of briefs and a pair of freshly-pressed slacks to

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-49671315369051531392008-04-13T13:36:00.008-05:002008-04-13T13:59:03.705-05:00

BEERS...to Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama for agreeing to take part in the Compassion Forum, an event right in our back yards that will focus on religion. If there's one thing we small-town Central Pennsylvania folk cling to more than our guns it's the baby Jesus, and the lack of mentions said savior has been receiving on the campaign trail has been a sin. Health care, the economy and the war

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85575140572149293122008-03-30T13:50:00.002-05:002008-03-30T14:10:57.230-05:00

(HANOVER) - Presidential candidate and Illinois Sen. Barack Obama will transform a Ku Klux Klan rally planned here for Monday into a "Rally For Change."A campaign official said it is part of Obama's larger goal of winning over some of the county's high concentration of white supremacist voters. "If we're going to win over Central Pennsylvania, we're going to need a good chunk of the hate vote,"

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-50341167633662374832008-03-30T13:36:00.003-05:002008-03-30T13:49:40.964-05:00

I'm hoping there have been no posts to your site because you are vacationing somewhere warm. If not and your mind has been erased, well that's a bummer. I miss your biting humor!S.S.Are you terminally ill? If not, I need my monthly fix of outrageous Harrisburg satire. Otherwise, so sorry!P.M.I feel you deserve an explanation in the form of the truth, so here is what caused my hiatus:One day, in

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-91088816366410931002008-02-18T20:44:00.004-05:002008-02-18T21:11:11.563-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In a move rarely seen in the political arena, Governor Ed Rendell today announced he was withdrawing his endorsement of Senator Hillary Clinton and would instead throw his support behind Congressman Dennis Kucinich, D-OH, who dropped out of the presidential race last month."After I recently noted that Barack Obama's electability is limited in Pennsylvania because he's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-9921560226647254082008-02-12T20:10:00.000-05:002008-02-12T20:29:42.453-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - PennDOT shut down a stretch of Interstate 81 in Dauphin County this evening and transformed it into a paid-admission skating rink, much to the chagrin of motorists who were forced to find an alternate route."I heard about it on the TV [news], but I didn't realize it was for real," said Carlisle resident David Jarrens. "I just assumed the reporter was using the same old tired cliche

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-28178713618054602782008-01-30T21:49:00.000-05:002008-01-30T22:12:40.108-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pittsburgh Steelers Quarterback Ben Roethlisberger today disclosed that, in addition to being sacked 47 times this past season by players from opposing teams, he has also been sacked at least that many times in the bedroom by Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll.The pair announced to reporters that they have been "fooling around, on and off" for at least two months. "It's

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-42170823365731864892008-01-21T21:15:00.000-05:002008-01-21T22:10:10.053-05:00

You must retaliate for the "Jeers" given to you by the Patriot-News [...] for the Horse-to-Glue piece.C.S.First, C.S., thank you for pointing this out. I missed it entirely, as I seldom read Mr. Troutman's column. For those of you who were also lucky enough to overlook it, Mr. Troutman refers to my "fake Farm Show spoof" and laments that the editor of this site remains anonymous, therefore "

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-4679564335684123362008-01-14T21:47:00.000-05:002008-01-14T22:15:31.103-05:00

(PENBROOK) - A Penbrook man has changed his stance on abortion from "extremely pro-life" to "vehemently pro-abortion," the apparent result of a recent blow to the head."I don't know what the hell I was thinking all those years," Ted Small said. "This incident has made me stop and realize that abortion can be a beautiful thing."Small was pushed from the hood of his car while protesting at a

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-32803153320669041382008-01-14T21:30:00.000-05:002008-01-14T21:44:38.935-05:00

(HARRISBURG) -- Mayor Stephen Reed today declared a state of emergency for the city of Harrisburg due to the appointment of Linda Thompson as City Council president."This day is on par with the Rapture, only much worse," Reed said.In an interview from his home, Jesus Christ agreed with Reed. "Yeah, this is definitely a setback for Harrisburg," Christ said. "Lord knows, I'll be praying for you."

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-79075297710479322112008-01-06T10:55:00.000-05:002008-01-06T11:33:36.296-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In a move state agriculture officials said is designed to "throw a new twist" into the Pennsylvania Farm Show, the Sheep-To-Shawl Contest is being replaced this year by the Horse-To-Glue Contest."Much like the name would suggest, teams will be on the clock to turn a horse into a quart of glue as quickly as possible," said Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff.Each team's first task

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-75791434341929741692007-12-31T00:03:00.000-05:002007-12-30T22:54:55.520-05:00

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had.The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person."It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-17688173749330579192007-12-19T20:24:00.000-05:002007-12-19T20:40:27.551-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts."I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-74876443630304767172007-12-09T15:03:00.000-05:002007-12-09T15:44:27.381-05:00

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement.According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints of

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-35894269504493181442007-11-17T14:57:00.000-05:002007-11-17T15:10:49.182-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - A former 10-term Democratic state lawmaker was arraigned this week on charges that he failed to shave before having his official photograph taken for the state House of Representatives website."Frank LaGrotta desecrated the American flag by posing in front of it with a blatant 5 o'clock shadow," said Pennsylvania Attorney General Tom Corbett, flanked by a four-foot-by-five-foot

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-69507520889510239072007-11-17T13:57:00.000-05:002007-11-17T15:21:11.573-05:00

(DALLAS, TX) - Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today auctioned off his concept of building a museum full of western artifacts to a man from Cheyenne, Wyoming, who purchased the idea for $1.75 million."I'm a huge history buff and I love the Wild West," said John Steil, who cast the winning bid. "It just never occurred to me to build a museum about the West. In fact, I don't think it occurred to

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-68238454216754133062007-11-05T21:26:00.000-05:002007-11-05T21:38:12.733-05:00

(LANCASTER) - Dozens of people took to the streets here today to run for a good cause: other people who run for a good cause.The First Annual Lancaster Charity Run Walk/Run is designed to raise money for individuals who take part in walking or running events for various charities."I'm out here in memory of my dad," said Brent Houlihan of Gap. "He was taking part in an American Cancer Society Run

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-25181643254202110952007-11-04T21:05:00.000-05:002007-11-04T21:55:52.261-05:00

The editorial board wishes to thank those who entered submissions in the inaugural Central PA Gazelle "Add A Caption" Contest. The above photo drew scads of entries ranging from delightfully clever to downright whacked-out-on-crack.And the winner is..."Man, Woman, Dog Donate Organs to Keep Knoll Running." It was submitted by J.K. Nice going, J.K.! You have won the right to tell all of your

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-17442162264527953872007-10-28T19:26:00.000-05:002007-10-28T19:47:02.087-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In preparation for the winter months, the entire fleet of vehicles used to plow snow from Pennsylvania roads has been outfitted with plastic dashboard Jesuses, PennDOT officials announced today.Transportation Secretary Allen Biehler said his department purchased a total of 2,787 figurines of Christ to outfit its fleet of 2,250 dump trucks, 520 front-end loaders and 16 snow blowers.

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-40721121200105299942007-10-16T21:21:00.000-05:002007-10-16T20:38:19.065-05:00

(Washington, D.C.) - A doctor who recently performed a colonoscopy on former U.S. Sen. Rick Santorum, R-Wherever He's Pretending To Live Now, says the politician has a small village of indigenous people living in his ass.The individuals appear to be a group of die-hard supporters who are "staunchly in denial" that Santorum lost his Senate seat, the former lawmaker's physician, Dr. Clint

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-52878277212727639272007-10-05T09:51:00.000-05:002007-10-05T09:53:59.638-05:00

(There's no article, we just couldn't resist that headline.)

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-40834738001768368992007-10-03T21:14:00.000-05:002007-10-03T21:33:46.883-05:00

(LANCASTER) - With arms flailing and a Bible in-hand, President Bush today turned a planned appearance before some 400 business representatives in Lancaster County into a full-blown tent revival.“I believe in the Lord! I buh-LIEVE,” the president proclaimed, running around the stage frantically with sweat dripping from his brow. “He will deliver us into salvation!”A host of spiritual selections

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-54107702457138188242007-09-26T20:07:00.000-05:002007-09-26T20:19:54.741-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The board of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today tapped Mahmoud Ahmadinejad to succeed Dick Willey as president and CEO.PHEAA Board Chairman Rep. William Adolph, R-Delaware, conceded the pool of applicants has been "thin so far." But, he added, "anything's bound to be an improvement."Gov. Ed Rendell applauded the selection of Ahmadinejad, saying he was just

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-75096972616750587162007-09-16T13:31:00.000-05:002007-09-16T13:57:03.709-05:00

Dude, I grew up in Selinsgrove and went to college at F&M in Lancaster. This is one of the funniest things I have ever seen! You had me laughing so hard today I could barely breathe. Especially like the Katherine Baker Knoll and Rendell digs, he was my commencement speaker and I'll never forgive him for that.Thanks again, N.L.You're a good man, N.L., for staying for the speech. Many college

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-34018893379889770962007-09-03T18:54:00.000-05:002007-09-03T22:17:23.340-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Citing growing interest in the subject since the airport bathroom arrest of Idaho Senator Larry Craig, the Pennsylvania Department of Conservation and Natural Resources today unveiled the "State Park Guide For Anonymous Sex Encounters."The pocket-sized book features glossy pages to prevent sticking and contains suggested rendezvous locations as well as tips on gestures and signals

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53275231067735758892007-08-29T20:44:00.000-05:002007-08-29T21:11:42.118-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The wife of Pennsylvania Education Secretary Gerald Zahorchak announced today that her husband is meeting more benchmarks in bed than he was one year ago."Don't get me wrong. I'm not ready to start jumping up and down, singing 'Let's Hear It For The Boy,'" said Betty Zahorchak. "But Gerald has shown a proper level of attentiveness to performance targets related to my sexual

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-26599005745590093592007-08-23T21:53:00.000-05:002007-08-23T22:29:26.188-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The head of the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency today conceded that PHEAA actually stopped awarding college loans three years ago."With regular retreats, bonuses and all to worry about, loaning money to students in need just became too much of a distraction," said President and Chief Executive Officer Dick Willey. "However, we haven't ruled out the possibility of

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-9669713957468272952007-08-19T21:24:00.000-05:002007-08-19T21:41:25.264-05:00

(LANCASTER) - Perpetrators approached WGAL-TV Meteorologist Matt Ritter in a city alley over the weekend and robbed him of his lips, police said."It's one of the more unusual crimes we've seen lately," said Sgt. Bill Gleason. "It ranks right up there with the guy in a [commissioner] Dick Shellenberger mask who holds up pharmacies, stealing their entire supply of KY Jelly. At least we think it's a

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-72803044311234177542007-08-13T19:32:00.000-05:002007-08-13T22:21:51.621-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In a reversal of last week's stunning announcement that they would close up shop, the owners of The Spot said today they will keep the establishment open as The Pot Spot."The new name reflects the addition of marijuana to the menu," explained owner Billy Kaldes. "Now, folks can line up for some pot, then come back 30 to 60 minutes later when the munchies set in and get their fill

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-68773918961977168752007-08-09T22:36:00.000-05:002007-08-09T22:49:35.624-05:00

(UNDATED) - Media Mogul Rupert Murdoch has succeeded in his bid to take over the Central PA Gazelle.Murdoch paid $15 for the publication, according to sources in the newsroom who asked not to be named due to shame and embarrassment resulting from their new-found relationship with Murdoch."On his first day, he came into the newsroom and made us put on lipstick and called us girly whores," one male

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-6178154546679882322007-07-29T21:44:00.000-05:002007-07-29T22:13:01.543-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Jim Strayer of Lemoyne attended the Pride Festival of Central Pennsylvania this weekend, but only because he really likes the food, he said."It's all about the kabobs and the funnel cakes," Strayer said. "I really like the fresh-squeezed lemonade, too. But I'm not into dudes or anything, so I'm not really here for the gay stuff."Strayer was among thousands who decended on

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-27575531734407543732007-07-24T22:18:00.001-05:002007-07-24T22:31:35.221-05:00

(LANCASTER) - Mayor Rick Gray checked himself into a rehabilitation center for what one aide called his "uncontrollable propensity to wear tacky bowties every blessed day.""My wife and some other folks had an intervention with me the other day," Gray said as he exited City Hall this morning. "They showed me that I really need to get this bowtie thing under control. I mean, I don't even own any

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53540771133308690282007-07-18T21:49:00.000-05:002007-07-18T22:13:01.866-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Calling it the latest in a series of innovative revenue initiatives, Harrisburg Mayor Stephen Reed today approved a new ordinance taxing all proceeds on robberies and muggings."From this point forward, all perpetrators are on the honor system to submit 4 percent of all funds they garner through illicit means to the city of Harrisburg," announced Reed. He noted half of the levy will

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-22174117851020159052007-07-15T21:45:00.000-05:002007-07-15T21:19:39.521-05:00

(LEBANON) - Wal-Mart clerk Rodney Esbenshade said he had lost what at one time were feelings of "animal lust" for coworker Ashley Collins after hearing her fart today."She was stocking shelves when she bent down to grab a few more cans of Alpo Prime Slices in Gravy [dog food] and that's when she let one fly," said Esbenshade. "She must have thought no one was within earshot, but I just happened

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-22605028972148355342007-07-12T23:45:00.000-05:002007-07-12T22:58:12.028-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to increase Pennsylvania's relevance in the presidential race, the General Assembly today passed a measure that moves the commonwealth's primary up from next April to tomorrow.Gov. Ed Rendell added his signature to the legislation moments after it was approved by lawmakers. "While we realize it's short notice, we shouldn't have trouble finding old people to work the

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-11521648113815690002007-07-12T21:57:00.000-05:002007-07-12T22:13:38.661-05:00

[In response to "Gypsy Moth Caterpillars Take Toll On Knoll" of 6/18/07]That's got to be a sight! I imagine the security forces at the Gap can't wait for the swim season to begin. Knoll in her thong bikini at the pool -- covered with caterpillars.B.S.I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.WonderCum was developed by a group of committed professionals focused entirely on the enhancement and

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-44925506938653646932007-07-06T22:01:00.000-05:002007-07-06T22:36:59.682-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Hookers on the commonwealth's payroll said they plan to work overtime and turn as many tricks as possible this weekend in anticipation of a partial government shutdown.The Rendell administration has declared the prostitutes to be non-essential state personnel, meaning some 200 ladies of the night could be laid off come Monday morning if a budget agreement is not reached."But in the

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-54894479507230666022007-07-05T20:50:00.001-05:002007-07-05T21:56:09.175-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - State System of Higher Education Chancellor Judy Hample said her recent decision to resign her post is rooted in a desire to spend more time spending money."Here I've been making approximately $3,466,101,012 a year, yet I haven't been taking the time to spend it," Hample said. "Well, that's about to change.""I also wanted to give my underlings plenty of time to plan my going-away

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-91546542516229719712007-06-30T12:09:00.000-05:002007-06-30T11:29:22.474-05:00

(HERSHEY) - It's not pumpkins that students ages 9 through 12 are carving at Penn State Milton S. Hershey Medical Center this week. The center's plastic surgery department is hosting the teens as part of its annual Nip/Tuck Camp.Modeled after the popular medical drama series on television, the camp is designed to give students "a look at what really happens on a daily basis in the plastic surgery

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-16539791431944110382007-06-26T20:46:00.001-05:002007-06-26T21:22:36.729-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - The state Senate today passed a bill that would make smoking after sex illegal.Sen. Jeff Piccola (R-Dauphin) introduced an amendment exempting from prosecution anyone who lights up after having sex with himself or herself. It passed 50-0.Another modification came from Sen. Jake Corman (R-Bumblefuck), who put forth a successful amendment exempting those who smoke following

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-88728684531009656492007-06-23T21:12:00.000-05:002007-06-23T21:00:58.109-05:00

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - Less than two weeks after the Hooters restaurant on the Carlisle Pike ditched 'Schoolgirl Thursday' amid public outrage, the Eat'n Park restaurant on Limekiln Road outside New Cumberland has picked up the baton.Starting this Thursday, June 28, the eatery will give a free Smiley Cookie to any woman who shows up dressed like a Catholic schoolgirl on Thursday nights.Restaurant

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-87315199231218898672007-06-18T22:01:00.000-05:002007-06-18T22:23:55.977-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Wildlife officials fear the midstate is in the throws of one of its worst-ever invasions of gypsy moth caterpillars, as evidenced by the way the insects have attacked Lieutenant Governor Catherine Baker Knoll."She's looking more overwhelmed than in previous seasons, but she should pull through," said Eric Naguski, who coordinates Dauphin County's gypsy moth suppression

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-45476591579830027592007-06-08T22:02:00.000-05:002007-06-08T22:32:43.972-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today unveiled a major initiative that calls for at least 25 major initiatives to be unveiled before the end of the year."We have no idea what they're going to be yet," Reed said in a press conference in front of the National Civil War Museum, where crickets could be heard chirping in the background. "But for starters, we're probably talking some groundbreakings

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-83698652062827872542007-06-05T20:21:00.000-05:002007-06-05T20:45:41.382-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In his latest attempt to expand gaming in Pennsylvania, House Majority Leader Bill DeWeese (D-Greene) announced he's drafting a bill that would allow slot machines to be installed in funeral homes."Slots parlors and funeral parlors are a natural pairing," DeWeese said. "What we have here is the opportunity to build tax relief from people's grief."The Democrat was quick to add that

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85452093810502042452007-05-28T20:55:00.000-05:002007-05-28T20:14:12.755-05:00

(DUNCANNON) - While most central Pennsylvanians spent Memorial Day pausing to reflect on those who died serving the United States, Bill "Sparky" Aumiller observed the occasion with a fireworks show launched off the deck of his home in this Perry County community.This evening's 25-minute display featured mostly skyrockets, Roman candles and bottlerockets accented by frequent M-80 explosions."When

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-9944819966041865332007-05-28T17:28:00.000-05:002007-05-28T20:13:32.268-05:00

(YORK SPRINGS) - A crew of 22 PennDOT workers that spent three hours laying traffic cones along a portion of Route 15 southbound on Friday have admitted they did so for no good reason."We're not performing road work there nor do we plan to," conceded crew spokesman Paul Gleason.The cones, which effectively closed off the passing lane on a 12-mile portion of the highway in York and Adams counties,

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-31231793951812831792007-05-23T21:38:00.000-05:002007-05-23T21:54:44.531-05:00

Is the story about Rick Wagner raising alpacas and modeling underwear true? Or is this just a joke?P.D.Oh...my...God.Why isn't there anything on how Wrightsville has to wait 12 minutes for an advanced life support unit when there is [sic] a few less than 10 minutes away?L.B.Because I haven't the foggiest notion regarding a) what you're talking about, or b) how the hell to make it funny. But if

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-53785818325481854352007-05-16T20:36:00.000-05:002007-05-16T20:57:32.482-05:00

(PAXTANG) - Voters here approved a referendum in Tuesday's primary election that calls for Ida Mae Gallagher, 84, to die by lethal injection for failing to take down her Christmas decorations."She's left them up year-round for the past five years, and we just got sick of it," said neighbor Harold Webster. He gathered the 500 signatures required for the question to appear on Tuesday's ballot. It

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-62153694593457966952007-05-16T20:05:00.000-05:002007-05-16T20:55:47.902-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today announced that city plow crews have finished clearing snow left behind by the storm that brought the midstate to a standstill in mid-February."My administration has made good on its promise to have that wintry mix removed from our fine hamlet's esteemed passageways within 90 days," Reed said. "It was an especially dastardly task, but our road-clearing

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-85056517784248682382007-05-08T21:47:00.000-05:002007-05-08T22:16:40.560-05:00

(UNDATED) - A new poll indicates nearly half of the candidates that will appear on the ballot in Tuesday's municipal primary election do not care whether they win.The Keystone Poll, conducted by researchers at Franklin & Marshall College, suggests 46 percent of those running "don't have strong feelings either way" regarding the outcome of the contests of which they are a part. A small number -- 6

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-67310965806645594452007-05-05T10:58:00.000-05:002007-05-05T11:25:35.064-05:00

(CAMP HILL) - Camp Hill Mayor Lou Thieblemont today signed a resolution lifting the 1982 ban that had prevented borough residents from traveling to Harrisburg.Concurrently, Thieblemont trimmed back the hours during which the guard towers at all entrance points to Camp Hill will be staffed."I feel we're ready for these bold steps," said Thieblemont at a press conference at Cornerstone Coffeehouse.

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-83121315124798720712007-05-05T10:37:00.000-05:002007-05-05T10:56:13.957-05:00

I've been told that Nazareth resident and retired race car driver Mario Andretti has been approached by the State Police to become [Governor] Rendell's new driver. Have you heard that?T.B.The Gazelle has indeed confirmed that Andretti auditioned for the role of Rendell's driver. However, he flunked on two accounts: he didn't drive fast enough for the governor's tastes and Rendell's beer twice

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-29877722989250536302007-05-01T21:42:00.000-05:002007-05-01T21:59:21.209-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - Elmer Fudd and Yosemite Sam have added their voices to the chorus speaking out against bills that would toughen Pennsylvania's gun laws.The famed cartoon characters took part in a demonstration today at the state Capitol and voiced opposition to legislation that would limit gun purchases to one per month."That would be vewy, vewy bad," said Fudd. "How else would all you wednecks be

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-81759885110794019382007-04-27T19:43:00.000-05:002007-04-27T20:13:11.915-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In response to a Freedom of Information Act request from the Gazelle, Governor Ed Rendell today released a list of local, state and federal laws he has broken during his time in office. The 317-page document seemed to indicate that the governor's recent admissions about speeding were just the tip of the iceberg.Included in the list are several traffic violations Rendell has

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-62376844334882623122007-04-24T21:14:00.000-05:002007-04-23T21:45:45.498-05:00

(MOUNT JOY) - Three months after starting a job as a cow-milker on a farm in rural Lancaster County, state Representative John Perzel (R-Philadelphia) has landed a key promotion.Placid Meadows Farm outside Mount Joy has named Perzel a "master milker," a move that will result in a raise from his starting farm union pay of $55,000."The amount of milk he's able to glean from each cow is simply

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-51536777606815393792007-04-23T15:58:00.000-05:002007-04-23T21:14:12.451-05:00

(ETTERS) - Neighbors of Randy Geller, who was arrested over the weekend on warrants for 723 outstanding parking tickets across five municipalities, said the Etters man has always been shy and reserved."He wasn't a troublemaker if that's what you're asking," said Howard Ralston, who lives next door to Geller. "He just isn't the kind of guy you'd expect to do this sort of thing.""Randy didn't go

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-7756123415315958632007-04-18T21:05:00.000-05:002007-04-19T06:35:57.787-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - In an attempt to rebuild its image, the Pennsylvania Higher Education Assistance Agency, or PHEAA, has adopted the new name of Pennsylvania Helping University-bound and College-bound Kids, or PHUCK."We feel the new moniker better reflects what we do on a daily basis," said PHUCK Chief Dick Willey.He added the switch also reflects a transition toward a more accountable and

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-68975907811783304712007-04-15T14:34:00.000-05:002007-04-15T21:32:40.566-05:00

(HALIFAX) - Mabel Higgenbottom, known to her neighbors on South Union Street in Halifax as a generally cantankerous woman, said today she wishes the rain that has been pummeling the midstate since Saturday night was snow.The 86-year-old lifelong borough resident said she was "pleased as punch" when original predictions pegged this weekend's storm as a Nor'easter that could dump as much as a foot

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-90449564930754482452007-04-11T21:17:00.000-05:002007-04-19T06:36:27.434-05:00

(HARRISBURG) - After bragging to friends and coworkers for more than two months that he fathered Anna Nicole Smith's baby, PennDOT Secretary Allen Biehler is expressing disappointment upon hearing that he apparently did not.It was announced this week that the late model's now-seven-month-old daughter was fathered by photographer Larry Birkhead."Wow, color me flummoxed," said Biehler, who

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-37877927567711032892007-04-08T11:16:00.000-05:002007-04-08T11:37:08.322-05:00

(CAMP HILL) - Hershey Company Chairman and CEO Rick Lenny personally fired the Easter Bunny last night, immediately following the rabbit's final shift of the season at the Capital City Mall."We made the tough decision to cut Mr. Bunny as we hop forward with our comprehensive strategic agenda focused on increasing our marketplace leadership and developing a global footprint for our iconic brands,"

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-62211545289465670262007-04-04T19:30:00.000-05:002007-04-04T20:09:27.616-05:00

Every now and then, I like to pause to answer a few reader inquiries. Okay, so this is the first time, but if you keep emailing, we'll turn this into a regular feature.[In response to "Probe Launched Into Possible Redneck Cluster In The Midstate" 4/1/07]Wonderful!!Signed,Perry County LadyMa'am, you have no idea how hard I struggled to keep Perry County out of that article. But in the end, it all

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-75362648149557898232007-04-01T22:09:00.000-05:002007-03-31T21:27:35.467-05:00

(JONESTOWN) - Three state agencies have agreed to look into reports of a potential redneck cluster in Union Township, Lebanon County.The action comes after an eight-month investigation by the Central PA Gazelle. It involved interviews with rednecks and non-rednecks alike, demographic observations at local bingo halls and an independent review of dental records, which showed the average township

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7867204201093628463.post-1188364849536317982007-03-29T21:35:00.000-05:002007-03-29T22:37:36.952-05:00

(LOS ANGELES) - Harrisburg City Councilwoman Linda Thompson has been eliminated from ABC's "Dancing With the Stars."Thompson and her professional dancing partner were kicked off during this week's results show, after a foxtrot that met with mixed reviews and a mambo that was panned by judges and viewers alike.Judge Bruno Tonioli told Thompson she danced as though she "had a broomstick lodged

D. Editorhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/05554764171265576466noreply@blogger.com