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Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Linda Thompson's Giant Beaver Blamed For Water Problems

(HARRISBURG) - Sources are fingering Harrisburg Mayor Linda Thompson's giant beaver as the cause of last week's water-main break that shut down several businesses along with city and state government.

An employee with United Demolition and Excavating, speaking on condition of anonymity, said Thompson's pet beaver was to blame for the snafu.

This is not the first time Thompson's beaver has been pounded. Among those who have come down hard on it is former mayoral spokesman Chuck Ardo, who has previously cited Thompson's giant beaver as being among his reasons for resigning.

"To be sitting in one of those early morning prayer sessions in [Thompson's] office with that giant beaver staring you down -- that was some scary shit," Ardo said. "It was like a car wreck. You didn't want to look at it, but you couldn't help it. It was grotesque."

"I could deal with the prayers, incense, and goat sacrifice rituals that took place each day in Linda's office," said former mayoral spokeswoman Joyce Davis. "But there were many times in the course of conducting the people's business that the mayor's beaver interjected itself and I simply didn't feel it was appropriate. She dragged that thing everywhere."

Among those on the other side of the fence is attorney James Ellison, a close friend of the mayoral beaver. Ellison, whom Thompson has hired to defend her beaver, calls the claim from United Demolition and Excavating "a silly, baseless mischaracterization of a warm, friendly creature."

City officials have also filed a preliminary claim with the insurance company representing the mayor's beaver. Thompson said she began insuring her beaver "decades ago, even before I started letting people pet it."

Monday, April 25, 2011

Man At Wine Kiosk Can't Make Up His Fucking Mind

(CAMP HILL) - A trip to the grocery store took a lot longer than expected today for Alex Benner of New Cumberland. That's because Benner, whose wife Jeanne sent him to the store for milk, Frosted Flakes and tampons, ended up stymied by his spontaneous decision to purchase a bottle of wine at the wine kiosk.

"I figured it'd be easy to just grab a bottle and go," Benner said. "At first, I was going to get a chardonnay. But then I shifted toward the reds and thought a cabernet sauvignon looked good."

As of the deadline for this article, Benner was still standing at the kiosk, holding a box of tampons and trying to make up his fucking mind.