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Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Ag Secretary Tragically Euthanized At Farm Show

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Agriculture Secretary Dennis Wolff had to be put down this evening after breaking his leg at the state Farm Show.

According to a statement released by the Department of Agriculture, Wolff was walking toward the Sheep to Shawl Contest from a demonstration by Howard Helmer, the world's fastest omelet maker, when he tripped on a pile of animal excrement and fell.

"What veterinarians initially thought was a hairline crack in the Secretary's femur in fact proved to be much more serious and beyond repair," the statement said. Wolff was euthanized at 6:52 p.m. via a poison dart delivered to his left buttock.

Wolff was 92.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Reed Deputizes Bobblehead Version Of Self

(HARRISBURG) - Mayor Stephen Reed today presided over a ceremony at which he officially created the position of deputy mayor, then appointed a bobblehead doll of himself to the new post.

Reed said the proportionately thinner and whiter-toothed version of himself would help to relieve part of his heavy workload, and would immediately begin serving as his official liason with City Council. He also appointed the bobblehead to serve as the on-scene spokesman at all major crime and fire calls in the city.

The mayor emphasized that taxpayer money was not used to purchase the $75 doll, but rather funds from the Harrisburg Authority. Reed spoke of a little-known clause in authority bylaw 7(a)(c) part 5, which allows for "expenditures on bobblehead dolls, either for use as city officials or for mass purchase so as to prepare for an eventual National Bobblehead Museum."

City Council President Linda Thompson said she intended to introduce herself to the new deputy mayor and invite him to lunch in the near future. "I have a feeling he's going to give me a lot less grief than his boss," Thompson said.