(UNDATED) - Financial advisers across central Pennsylvania are reaching consensus that the nation's financial turmoil has reached levels that cannot be dealt with through rational actions and that Americans should begin to panic.
Unemployment is spiking, the stock market is plummeting and many banks have stopped giving lollipops to children in a last-ditch effort to pay their CEOs' salaries.
"Obviously, that non-panicking psycho-babble we were preaching for a while didn't do a hell of a lot of good," said George DeLauria, with the Edward Jones investment firm in York Township, York County. "So now, I'm advising those who seek my counsel to sell all of their stock, cut up their credit cards, stop making mortgage payments and board up all doors and windows to keep banking representatives and the sheriff's office out."
"As for retirees, they're totally fucked," said Gwendolyn Hennypeck, president of Wachovia Securities in East Pennsboro Township, Cumberland County. "If I were old, I'd probably rob a bank. That way, you'll either emerge with a lot of money or rent-free housing courtesy of your local prison for the rest of your dwindling life."
Most advisers were quick to note that, because the economy is cyclical, anyone who has been waiting for an opportunity to panic should do so now -- before the markets recover in a few months.