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Tuesday, September 30, 2008

Campaign Urges Strangers To 'Fondle My Funbags'

(NEW CUMBERLAND) - A non-profit group today launched a breast cancer awareness effort designed to rival the "Feel Your Boobies" campaign.

Participants in "Fondle My Funbags" wear t-shirts emblazoned with the title slogan, encouraging other people to give them spontaneous breast exams.

"This all started when I was at the Eclipse nightclub in Harrisburg a couple weeks back," said founder Suzie Ralston, 24, of New Cumberland. "This drunk guy grabbed my left tit, only to pause and say, 'Uh oh, I think I feel a lump.' Sure enough, it turned out I had a tumor. But it was caught early, thanks to that creep's classless and sex-starved act."

"The best part is that this removes the stigma from grabbing a total stranger's tits," said Schuyler Ralston, Suzie's husband, who is believed to be the most vocal backer of the campaign. He has also taken preliminary steps toward starting a similar testicular cancer awareness effort for men, entitled "Jostle My Junk."

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Reason For Blue Cross CEO's Departure: Torrid Affair With Blue Man

(HARRISBURG) - A top official at Capital Blue Cross confirms board members asked president and CEO Anita Smith to step down after she had a "rapturous, escalating and increasingly obvious sexual relationship" with the Blue Man.

Board chairman William Lehr Jr. said "there was obviously something going on there," adding that a recent commercial shoot involving the duo turned several heads.

"Several people on the set reported that Smith and Blue [Man] had a lot of trouble keeping their hands off of each other between takes. Then after the shoot, the two were seen making out passionately on the hood of Ms. Smith's Mercedes right there in the parking lot," Lehr said. "We found that to be conduct unbecoming of a CEO."

Some coworkers who declined to give their names said Smith often found herself struggling to explain bright blue marks which seemed to surface out of nowhere on her neck, face and hands.
One woman who called herself a member of Smith's "inner circle" said the top executive often spoke of being sexually attracted to Gumby and other plasma-like figures throughout her life. "But," the woman quoted Smith as saying, "once you go Blue, you never go back."

Capital Blue Cross spokesman Tim Reeves would not confirm nor deny the allegations. "But I think it goes without saying that when you spend that much time together taping commercials, that breeds a high-stress environment that could easily bring sexual tension to the surface," he said.

Reeves said the Blue Man was unavailable for comment, noting his lack of a mouth.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Stuffed Likeness Of McCain Visits Lancaster

(LANCASTER) - Republican presidential candidate John McCain did not appear in the midstate this past Tuesday with his running mate, Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin. Instead, Palin campaigned on the campus of Franklin & Marshall College with a taxidermied likeness of McCain, sources said.

"There was a last-minute change in plans that forced Sen. McCain to alter his itinerary and cancel his trip to Lancaster," one Palin aide told the Gazelle on condition of anonymity. As the aide secretly talked with our reporter, he removed his shirt and began whipping himself on the back with a cat o' nine tails. It was "out of penance to Jesus Christ and his direct disciple, Sarah Palin," the aide said.

"So we decided -- OWWW! -- that no one would notice it was actually -- AAARGH! -- a stuffed likeness of the senator because of their sheer -- OHHH OWW! -- excitement for Gov. Palin," the aide said.

Terry Madonna, a political science professor at F&M, was shocked to learn of the switch. "You're shitting me," he said. "I thought his stump speech was a little more wooden than usual. But other than that, he had me fooled."

A McCain staffer -- who also spoke anonymously -- confirmed that the campaign considered the appearance to be such a great success that it would double-book the Arizona senator on a frequent basis between now and the election.

"Thinking long-term, the taxidermied [version of] McCain would also be ready to step into the presidency on a moment's notice should something happen to the real president," the staffer said. "That's more than we can say for Sarah Palin."

Saturday, September 6, 2008

Bristol Palin To Serve As PLCB Spokes-teen

(HARRISBURG) - Bristol Palin, the 17-year-old daughter of GOP vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin, has been hired to push alcohol to young people, Pennsylvania Liquor Control Board, Chairman Patrick "P.J." Stapleton announced today.

The pregnant teen (at left in photo) was chosen due to what Stapleton called her "proven and impressive track record as a booze hound."

Stapleton said he hoped a series of television commercials and print advertisements could be produced "before Bristol starts showing." He said the mother-to-be would not be expected to drink a substantial amount of alcohol, but rather "a few shots here and there to make sure it looks real."

The outreach effort targeting teens comes as the PLCB undergoes a "renaissance" in its retail operations, part of which Stapleton said involves "doubled-up efforts to better tap into the under-21 crowd."

"At a time when the economy appears to be slowing, the best way for us to build our business is to bolster underage and binge drinking," Stapleton said. "After all, some of our most loyal customers are dying off, and we need to replace them as quickly as possible."