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Thursday, July 31, 2008

Boscov's Forced To Lay Off That Old Lady With A Beehive Hairdo

(READING) - Boscov's announced today that it laid off that old woman with a beehive hairdo.

The move, which came amid rumors that the family-owned retail chain is struggling financially, came as a shock to some of the lady's fellow employees. Many said they were not sure what the woman did, as she seemed to pop up in many departments. Others speculated there might actually be more than one such woman employed by Boscov's.

Chief Executive Officer Ken Lakin declined to comment on the rumors of multiple old women with beehive hairdos working for the company and on the firing, other than to say it was a "difficult personnel matter."

Saturday, July 26, 2008

Deceased Man Remembered As Total Prick

(MIDDLETOWN) - Family members, neighbors and others say Ralph Ruthbaum, who died this past week at age 78, was a complete asshole.

"He was the kind of guy who would pull the blinds and turn off all the lights if he saw you coming toward his house," said Fred Staub, Ruthbaum's next-door neighbor.

"He never took out the trash, he regularly extinguished lit cigarettes on our cat, and he farted around me all the time," reflects Esther Ruthbaum, Ralph's widow. "He also left the toilet seat up a lot."

"I hated him because he gave out grocery store coupons each year for Halloween," said 10-year-old neighbor Justin Pratt. "What a dick."

Others recalled Ruthbaum as someone who would regularly borrow tools and other items without giving them back and as a neighbor who would call the police on even the most civilized of neighborhood parties.

There are no memorial or burial services planned, his wife said. "I doubt anyone would show up."

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Indicted Former Rep. Veon Really Digs Powder Blue

(HARRISBURG) - Former state Rep. Mike Veon (D-Totally Screwed) showed up for his arraignment on Thursday wearing an ensemble in which powder blue was the predominant color.

His powder blue tie perfectly matched the stripes in his shirt, and although his pants had a slightly gray-ish blue hue, they served to round out his ensemble nicely.

Through his attorney Robert Del Greco Jr., Veon expressed that his clothing choice was a reflection of his "affinity for the entire blue family of color, but especially powder blue." When asked why his client wore such dark shoes with such a light-colored ensemble, Veon's lawyer responded with a terse "No comment."

"I think he made the right decision," said Stacy London, host of What Not To Wear on TLC. "If you're going to be handcuffed, it's a good idea to keep the tie simple. Without your hands free, there's no chance of obscuring the tie in any way whatsoever, so it's just kind of out there, meaning that any design can easily come across as overpowering."

"His only mistake was that striped shirt," said Clinton Kelly, London's cohost. "Thin stripes can create an undesirable effect with TV cameras. But who knows? Maybe that's what he was after."