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Monday, December 31, 2007

Gazelle Celebrates Most Successful Year To Date

Publisher D. Editor announced today that 2007 was the most successful year The Central PA Gazelle has ever had.

The publication began publicating on December 23, 2006, with a skeleton staff of one person.

"It all started with a dream," D. Editor said. "I dreamed I could start a blog dedicated to sexual relations with farm animals. Upon discovering that idea was taken by approximately 763 other online entrepreneurs, I changed course."

"I'd personally like to thank all of the public officials who have done stupid shit over the past year and sparked story ideas," D. Editor said. "Please keep it up."

"Oh, we will," the public officials responded, in unison. "We will."

(Click here to read the first-ever lame-ass article published in The Central PA Gazelle.)

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

State Auditor General Appalled At Results Of Self-Audit

(HARRISBURG) - Pennsylvania Auditor General Jack Wagner today released findings from a recent review he conducted of his own personal finances. In doing so, Wagner issued himself a scathing rebuke for a range of concerns including pricey health club memberships and the amount of money he has spent this year on Christmas gifts.

"I can't believe it," Wagner said, in a self-reprimanding tone. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking."

The auditor general said he had not realized until this audit that he was spending $165 per month for a gym membership. "I mean sure, I have this kick-ass body to show for it, but that's still too much money."

In a written report, Wagner urged himself to implement several corrective actions. They include developing and implementing standard operating procedures for reviewing purchases and enhancing vigilance over the use of his checkbook.

Wagner vowed to take his own recommendations, and to perform a follow-up audit of himself in six months.

Sunday, December 9, 2007

Records Show Paterno Paid In Student Blood

(STATE COLLEGE) - After a five-year court battle, the Pennsylvania State University was forced to admit that it pays football coach Joe Paterno, an apparent vampire, not in cash but rather in blood extracted from freshman students who are kept chained up in his basement.

According to the Pennsylvania State Employees' Retirement System, Paterno's base salary this year will amount to 1,100 pints of blood -- or roughly three servings a day.

System records on the salaries of Paterno and other Penn State administrators were released after The Patriot-News sued, persevering with the tenacity of a lap dog who stubbornly refuses to stop humping your leg.

"We knew they were trying to keep this information secret for a reason," said Patriot Executive Editor David Newhouse. "But even so, this shit is pretty whacked."

It is not clear whether his life as a vampire will affect Paterno's recent induction into the College Football Hall of Fame.